Russell's Old Journal

[Russell]

Jan 25 2012, 2:23 PM EST

35 minutes this morning. I got maybe 3 hours of sleep last night due to a huge storm and my kids waking up/being scared. But the sit was much better because I did it after fully waking up and showering etc... Immediately when I sat and closed my eyes my thrid eye/forehead area started to tingle and feel like pressure (I can still feel it now.) Usually I get this but much later in the sit and it usually doesn't last during the day. I was still distracted by thoughts a bit but not nearly like the previous morning. My current sits have all been like this: I don't feel like I cycle through the nanas at all. I go from what feels like access concentration in about 2 cycles of counting 1-10 breaths straight to lower EQ. I can note with ease, like when i hear something, i immediately note hearing, then imaging thought, then the emotion i am feeling in rapid succession. But this goes away fast and the noting slows down on its own and i go in to what I can vibration mode where I can feel everything as vibrations. i.e. - When I feel the pressure on my forehead and it feels like thousands of little tingles acting up all at once. It was very pronounced in everything on my last few sits. I still feel like I am efforting though for some reason and I am trying to just be. Also, sometimes I feel like I can see the whole room with me as a part of it and I am no different than anything in the room. It is a nice calm time on the cushion but difficult nonetheless.

[Russell]

Jan 26 2012, 9:02 AM EST

45 minutes this morning. These sits are not nearly as good as the afternoon but I am still gettting used to it. I seemed to phase or snap out of EQ every once in a while, but I didn't get causght up in as many thoughts as I have been in the past couple of days. Lot's of good vibrations, noticing them in more and more things like sounds and not just physical feelings.

Replies:

mumuwu
Jan 26 2012, 9:21 AM EST

"These sits are not nearly as good as the afternoon"
How so? How are you gauging the goodness of a sit?

Russell
Jan 26 2012, 9:33 AM EST

I guess that is a good question. I guess there is no such thing as a "bad" sit. There are just certain things that I am noticing such as: It is just easier for me to concentrate when winding down after a long day of work/kids/responsibilities than in the morning when I have the whole day ahead of me. It does give me more material to note that is for sure, but sometimes I can get caught up in thoughts moreso in the morning. I hardly ever get caught up in them in the evening. Also, its takes a bit longer to settle and become concentrated and the vibrations, it seems are not as intense in the morning. In the evening it seems I can expand my awareness more. Not sure if that makes sense. It is new to me to sit first thing in the morning, and every day I have gotten more used to the seemingly added turbulence.

[Russell]

Jan 27 2012, 8:59 AM EST

Had a great sit last night, albeit a bit short, but I really got into EQ fast and was rapid fire noting, then it slowed on its own and I was just thinking to myself, wow, this is awesome! Then I had a chat with Ron, which was great BTW. Thanks Ron, it always helps.

This morning I have had 2 sits so far. Once early sit, with lots of planning thoughts and frustration again. So then I decided to just leave and come to work early. So, I just did another sit at my desk before anyone else got here and had another fantastic high EQ sit. Almost clocked an hour so far today. Going to try to get some more in later. I am just trying to ride the EQ groove when I can. The only new thing that came up during this last sit was, a moment of studdering (best way I can describe it) it was like the vibrations started slowing down and I could see things like chop, chop, chop, slowing more and more. almost like if you took a stop motion movie and started slowing it down and you could see every frame.

[Russell]

Jan 27 2012, 5:36 PM EST

OK, this is going to sound a bit weird, but I gotta tell it how it is. Felt like a near-miss but I have no idea. So I was meditating again (snuck away for some fresh air at work) and got to EQ very fast. I am assuming from momentum from earlier sits today. At one point I notice that I was thinking in Spanish, and I hardly know any Spanish, but it sounded like good fluent Spanish. I just kind of looked at it from a distance, a bit perplexed and then bam, chill/shiver up my spine. No idea what the heck that was.

Reply:

RonCrouch
Jan 28 2012, 12:02 PM EST

ooooooh - sounds promising! Man you are blazing. Keep it up. It is all about letting go at this point.

[Russell]

Jan 28 2012, 1:46 PM EST

Thanks Ron, I am still not sure if that was a near-miss or path but I can tell you I did feel 'lighter' afterwards and my normal dizziness, etc didn't feel like it mattered or caused anxiety. But today, I am slammed with anxiety, worse so after a sit. I feel like my sit today was not as calm and more like my heart was racing and breathing was a bit weird. Felt like I could get into EQ but couldn't really get calm. Have my doubts either way. Last night a may have felt like it was significant, today, things feel terrible. I'll try to have another sit and see how that goes. At least today I can totally relax. Nothing much to do today, except for spending time with my family, but no plans to do anything which is good.

[Russell]

Jan 29 2012, 10:19 AM EST

Still unsure if that was stream entry or not, only time will tell. All I can say is I probably had the worst anxiety day in a while yesterday until the evening last night about 24 hours after that event. Things have calmed down it seems but I haven't had a sit yet today to see what the heck is going on.

[Russell]

Jan 29 2012, 11:23 AM EST

Just sat for 35 minutes. Not sure what is going on. Sits are somewhat similar to before. It feels like I get to EQ, but I have much more energy going on it seems. Lots of swirling lights with my eyes shut, my eyes seems to shift and flutter more, also, i was shaking a little bit, almost like a nervous energy, could feel my body tensing. I can't incline myself into certain states (I tried) Still may be too early to tell.

[Russell]

Jan 30 2012, 8:58 AM EST

Pretty sure it was a near miss. Whatever it was, brought on a whole bunch of energy and anxiety. Anyways continuing like it was a miss. So, last nights sit was much more "normal" as far as how my sits have been going. High EQ buzzing, finally got my groove back on, was really nice. My mind seems to want to just focus on the breath when I get there. Either that or the third eye area. Lots of vibrations. Keep on keeping on.

This mornings sit was a typical morning sit. Much harder to get concentrated. Planning thoughts get in the way, try to note them as much as possible, but its an onslaught. Going to try to get a bunch more short sits in today when I can sneak away for a break. I almost feel like I need to take a day off for a mini self-retreat. Hrmm...that is starting to sound like a good idea.

[Russell]

Jan 30 2012, 5:18 PM EST

A couple more shorts sits so far today. Seems like I power right up to EQ fairly quickly like before. I haven't re-experienced anything like I did last Friday, not that I am expecting to. Just trying to steep in EQ as much as I can.

[Russell]

Jan 31 2012, 8:07 AM EST | Post edited: Jan 31 2012, 8:07 AM EST
One last sit last night before bed. Total time yesterday: 2 hours. Really groovin last night but It's still hard to let go and drop expectations, or at least it feels that way.

Replies:

RonCrouch
Jan 31 2012, 11:04 AM EST

It sounds like it might have been a near miss. Which is really good, because that happens when you are getting close to SE. Right now it is best to just enjoy high EQ as much as you can. Soaking it up and letting go is the right combo for where you are.

Russell
Jan 31 2012, 12:15 PM EST

Thanks Ron. I feel like the only time things are OK are when I am sitting. Having a really tough time off-cushion again. Anxiety like crazy. Maybe its some kind of built up tension like a balloon filling up waiting to pop, but it's affecting me pretty badly.