Russell's Old Journal

[Russell]

Jan 17 2012, 3:02 PM EST

Having a "desire for deliverance" type of day. AHHHH MAKE IT STOP!

[Russell]

Jan 17 2012, 8:37 PM EST

35 minute sit tonight. Feel like I hang out in low EQ for a while then I think I'm trying to force things too much. I start getting vibratory and try to focus on one thing but it seems to fall apart a bit. I think I just need to get deeper into high EQ before dropping the noting. I have constant thoughts of 'I am doing this wrong' It feels calm and great and all but I think I need to culminate things more before I let go. Any tips?

[Russell]

Jan 19 2012, 8:58 AM EST

Last nights sit was 35 minutes and I sat for 10-15 earlier in the day. It was a good sit but I felt like the timer went off right when I was really getting going. Vibrations, calmness, content. So I decided I would wake up early and sit for about 75 minutes or so. Woke up, then my daughter came in the room and needed to go the the bathroom, got her back to bed. Started my sit. I remember why I don't sit in the mornings that much anymore. It was pretty uncomfortable until much later in the sit. However, I really felt like I saw the nana's clearly again. However, I was very distracted by songs in my head, planning thoughts for the day, my daughter coughing, cats meowing. Started with some breath counting, then got the itches, then lights, then difficulty noting, then anxious thoughts of my kids in the hospital (fear for no reason), then itches again, then feeling of hunger/nausea in my gut, then just general pains, lack of concentration, until finally i saw lights again and the tingling around my crown, but this is where things ended cause my daughter came back into the room complaining about something (grrr) It was 65 minutes. I'll sit again tonight for another 45 mins or so and see how it goes. I feel very lost/confused right now as things seem to have gotten harder that they should be. Almost feel stuck in some sort of distracted Dissolution type phase where I can't catch thoughts (even when I had the monkey mind pretty much under control) Kind of hard to note things really well.

[Russell]

Jan 19 2012, 9:36 PM EST

Much better sit tonight. Total sitting today 1 hour 50 minutes. Felt like I sat down and was immediately concentrated. A little twitchy but much better concentration that usual. Started noting. Few itches, calmness, pain, pressure, path thoughts, hearing, imaging thoughts etc.. Felt like I could note again with speed and accuracy. Felt chilled out. Then my mind wanted to stop noting again, so I tried focusing on one sensation, the vibrating in my hands, Seems like I was jumping around still, because I would jump to another sensation. At one point I felt like I was part of the room that I was in. Almost like I became part of the floor, etc..

Do any of you just go back to focusing on the breath during EQ while still watching all the vibrations all around?

[Russell]

Jan 20 2012, 1:58 PM EST

Had another short sit just now and after 15 minutes or so this same phenomenon happened again as above, where i focus on the vibrations in my hands and then they "dissapear." Like I can't sense them at all, they may as well be any other object.

Reply:

JLaurelC
Jan 20 2012, 2:20 PM EST

All of that sounds very familiar. When I'm in Eq I do "open awareness."

[Russell]

Jan 20 2012, 9:11 PM EST

Tried to be very open in my sit tonight, lots of vibrating at the crown and at the hands and legs. They go almost numb, but they aren't 'asleep'. Realizing this is about doing nothing at this point really. Trying to just observe all the vibrations and open space without looking for anything.

Replies:

RonCrouch
Jan 21 2012, 10:09 AM EST

"Realizing this is about doing nothing at this point really"

This is the hardest part of the whole thing for a lot of folks. Up until this point things have been all about wise effort. Now it is switching to wise non-effort. Doing this skillfully can be so tricky and a real shift in attitude is needed. I know I struggled with it at first and I'm sure a lot of folks on the forum are struggling with it too.

Russell, your practice is coming along beautifully!

Russell
Jan 21 2012, 11:37 AM EST

Thanks Ron. It always helps to hear inspiring words! And also to wake up to see JLaurelC's good news! Truly inspiring. Time to go sit.

[Russell]

Jan 21 2012, 1:19 PM EST

Quick 35 minute sit. When the kids are in the house it is always a bit harder for me to concentrate. But I shot up to EQ pretty quickly. It seems, with the exception or the other morning, every time I sit, I get concentrated faster. My mind was darting around quite a bit with a few moments of very wide awareness that didn't last long, but I am very dazed after that sit. I'll hopefully get one more in tonight but I have to go out for a Birthday dinner.

[Russell]

Jan 22 2012, 9:24 AM EST

I'm not sure if it because I am spending more time in EQ lately but my off cushion anxiety seems like it is more manageable. This could rapidly change I am sure but it feel better right now. I just tried to sit in various locations yesterday, even if for only a couple minutes. And right when I sit things seems to pulse a little bit and my hands start getting tingly right away. Not sure what to make of that. Will be trying again today for sure. Also, forgot to mention, but for about 2 weeks i have been having intermittent tingling in my solar plexus chakra area when off the cushion. I have no idea what that means.

[Russell]

Jan 23 2012, 10:03 AM EST

Sat later in the evening last night. Set my timer for 35 mins but sat for 50. I get instant tingling in my hands right away and get concentrated very quickly. Then begin noting with ease but it drops away on its own so fast that i dont even realize it. Feels like I am doing deep concentration practice now and things feel really good. Lots of vibrations everywhere. Actually when I decided to get up, I went to bed but couldnt sleep so I continued to meditate for at least another 30 minutes in bed. I was just tingling all over. Off the cushion has been hit or miss and I still get my anxiety but I am starting to feel like I see it and I know it won't do me harm, whereas before I felt like I was going to pass out or what not. I was wrong about my solar plexus (i dont know much about chakras), thats not what is vibrating during the day, it is my spine, right in the middle of my back. It is tingling almost all the time now.

[Russell]

Jan 24 2012, 8:37 AM EST

Had a good sit last night with similar experiences as the previous post. Not quite as vibratory because I didn't sit as long I guess.

I also already sat for 45 minutes this morning. For some reason the mornings are tougher for me. I need to keep doing it though because it is starting to be the best time for me. It is harder to concentrate and my sinuses are usually really stuffy. I seem to note planning thought, over and over again I guess because I feel like I am getting ready for my day. Going to keep trying this morning thing and see if I can make it work.