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Re: Russell's Journal

Postby Russell » Sun Mar 17, 2013 3:37 pm

Apr 24 2012, 11:39 AM EDT

Had a quick 30 minute sit this morning. And by quick, I mean it felt like about 10 minutes. Body felt like it was disappearing into the vibrations. Tried to really work with my thoughts too because they seem to get very distracting lately.
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Re: Russell's Journal

Postby Russell » Sun Mar 17, 2013 3:37 pm

Apr 25 2012, 10:09 AM EDT

Don't even know how to describe my last nights sit. Felt very one pointed focus in the center of the head sort of, but my awareness was very wide. Almost felt like I gave myself a headache.
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Re: Russell's Journal

Postby Russell » Sun Mar 17, 2013 3:38 pm

Apr 26 2012, 10:14 AM EDT

Sat for well over an hour yesterday. Could see the jhanic arc pretty clearly for the first time in a while, very intense kind of ear clogging, pulling up at the head later in the sit which felt like I was going to have a fruition but nothing came of it. Already sat in my car for 30+ minutes this morning. Starting to feel like this is all deja vu but I forgot everything I learned last time. Having insights into my thoughts has being completley fabricated and not me. This is the stuff that got me over the hump last time, but its having a hard time sinking in for some reason.
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Re: Russell's Journal

Postby Russell » Sun Mar 17, 2013 3:38 pm

Apr 27 2012, 11:48 AM EDT

Last nights sit, lots of strobing, sleepiness, thoughts running rampant. This morning, VERY SLEEPY, felt like arms and hands disappeared less vibratory. Lots of wandering thoughts. Feel like I can't get them under control.
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Re: Russell's Journal

Postby Russell » Sun Mar 17, 2013 3:39 pm

Apr 28 2012, 11:01 AM EDT

Cutting edge on the cushion seems to be high EQ, however off-cushion I cant seem to cultivate EQ and it's the worst DN crap I have ever been through. Trying to curb it because I have my sister-in-law's wedding to go to tonight. I am just all kinds of aggravated with everything and I want to lash out. Trying my best to be mindful of it and not let it bleed through. Even though it sucks, I just looked at my log before stream entry and it was exactly like this when I was in EQ last time. I guess it's not all hunky-dory for everyone at this stage. Sitting is the only thing that feels good right now and I'm not going to get much in today with the wedding. OK, enough ranting.... :)

Saw this on DhO, gonna have to take this attitude for a bit here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YtJr5ZpH ... re=related

Replies:

giragirasol
Apr 28 2012, 11:38 AM EDT


Hang in there! :) I was in a similar state at a business conference once. Had to go into the ladies room now and then just to have some silence and let the throbbing in my brain ease up. But I also found that sometimes being involved in an event was a nice break, as I could just pay attention to the music and clothes and food and other people talking and get out of my own head a bit.

JLaurelC
Apr 28 2012, 11:55 AM EDT


Personally, I find weddings to be an exquisite form of torture. I sometimes wonder how much of such a reaction is path related and how much of it is a reasonable response to an unreasonable situation. But I'm not helping, I'm afraid ;-) The truth is I'm in an even worse mood than you are---yuck! I'm off to ***** on my own thread for awhile.

Russell
Apr 28 2012, 1:09 PM EDT


Hahahaha. That actually made me feel better.
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Re: Russell's Journal

Postby Russell » Sun Mar 17, 2013 3:41 pm

Apr 30 2012, 9:47 AM EDT

Saturday I literally only got like 10 minutes in. Yesterday, got a little over an hour. 1st sit very sleepy, got up half way and did walking meditation for a few minutes and sat back down and it was better. Got a few weird sensations, still having lots of thoughts flooding me and all of a sudden they all seemed to come at me at once like a zombie hoard about to attack and then I got another bliss wave. Very odd. 2nd sit was more alert, still lots of thoughts to note. Trying to work with them the best I can.
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Re: Russell's Journal

Postby Russell » Sun Mar 17, 2013 3:42 pm

May 1 2012, 10:58 AM EDT

Regular nights sit last night and talk with Ron which always makes me feel better. I have been much better (whatever that means) off-cushion for the last few days. Still not sure what my fruition-like phenomenon are but I remembered from several nights ago a strong sensation that I don't think I journaled about. I had that typical rising energy feeling that you can get when you feel like you are getting absorbed, but instead of staying in my head and expanding out, it felt like it pulled me up, rising and pulling like there was going to be a huge pop, but nothing happened. Like the top of my head was being pulled up. Anyways, just writing it down for my own purposes. Likely more near miss type stuff. Onwards we march.

Replies:

JLaurelC
May 1 2012, 11:54 AM EDT


Keep this up and you're going to get another path soon! :-)

Russell
May 1 2012, 3:49 PM EDT


Thanks for the support Laurel. I'm trying not to think about it too much. Been gaining some nice insights over the last few days, so regardless if I get path or not soon, I am really enjoying my new (profound for me) insights.
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Re: Russell's Journal

Postby Russell » Sun Mar 17, 2013 3:42 pm

May 2 2012, 10:59 AM EDT

Sat around 1.5 hours yesterday and 30 min so far this morning. Not much new to report. Thoughts are still an issue though at certain points during each sit. I am trying to let go and just watch all the vibrations buzzing around but I find myself lost in thought a bit more than normal. Frustrating, but I'm just noticing and moving on.
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Re: Russell's Journal

Postby Russell » Sun Mar 17, 2013 3:43 pm

May 3 2012, 9:29 AM EDT

Did better noting the thoughts last night and got some mild absorbed states where everything was flickering in and out. Overall, off-cushion, I am feeling less anxiety and more aware when negative thought patterns arise and what a joke/fairy-tale they really are.
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Re: Russell's Journal

Postby Russell » Sun Mar 17, 2013 3:43 pm

May 4 2012, 11:10 AM EDT

Again with the off-cushion changes - Something in my baseline has changed for sure since last Saturday/Sunday when I gained some insights into my thought patterns. I do not think this was path, because there is no sign of a clear Review, but somethign has changed. It's like a big weight lifted. I can still feel some anxiety sneak in, but there is a clear shift in perception of buying into my own bulls**t. Getting more aware of my thoughts (not getting cought up as much) when I sit and also getting more pleasant absorptions and strong vibrations.
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