Russell's Old Journal

[Russell]

Mar 26 2012, 9:34 AM EDT

Last nights sit was very similar to the previous night. noted pressure/tingling at the 3rd eye immediately when i sat, very hard to note, frustration, spaceiness, however still calm, got one moment of crazy fear thoughts related to my dizziness, did my best noting through the rough stuff. Feels like concentration is out the window and all the great insights I had during 1st path are gone. Fun times. Off cushion = awful tiredness, sluggish, dizzy, crap

[Russell]

Mar 27 2012, 9:44 AM EDT

I'm not going to use the word "better" but last nights sit was less harsh. Although it started out with the normal rising, falling, gross itches especially on my face in different parts, then clarity of mind, lights in visual field, could see thoughts arising and thinking to myself "I am not making these thoughts happen", speed and accuracy of noting was improved, then it slipped, got caught up in thoughts again, felt sluggish, lazy, then my cat made a loud noise right behind me (i didn't know she was there) and I got a full body scare like, really scared. Then itched started up again but I was less inclined to move or scratch them but they kept poping up and going away quicker. Then I got up and did a little shamatha in bed before falling asleep.

[Russell]

Mar 29 2012, 10:25 AM EDT

Is it bad when my wife ask's me if I'm in the Dark Night again?

[Russell]

Mar 30 2012, 9:48 AM EDT

Last nights sit: started with the usual itching in various areas, lots of negative thoughts and frustration. Lights in visual field, and kind of rising flushing of the skin/body. Then it got very hard to note everything, distracted by thoughts, etc... Feels like slipping back a little as I only got to sit for a very short time 2 days ago.

[Russell]

Mar 31 2012, 9:16 AM EDT

Sat for 45 min yesterday and its hard to even pinpoint a lot of sensations. Started with itching, some so much that I had to scratch. but after the itches were gone it just got more open expansive and hard to catch sensations while sometimes getting caught in thoughts. Nothing super uncomfortable or pleasant other than the mild tingling and warmth in my hands.

Replies:

nadavspi
Mar 31 2012, 1:04 PM EDT

When the itching happens, try to stay with one and really pay attention to it. See if it changes, moves, swells, etc. See if you can notice exactly when it stops. You might be doing this already, in which case carry on.

Russell
Mar 31 2012, 6:05 PM EDT

Yeah, I do try that, watch them grow and change. I have had them almost spread out to and entire side of my face in some capacity. Not recently, but I know what you are talking about and it reminds me of how I used to watch that. Thanks for the reminder.

[Russell]

Apr 2 2012, 9:33 AM EDT

Really trying to work with my thoughts over the last several sits, they seem to be coming at me from all directions. Trying to notice then and disembed. Sits usually start with immediate itching and move towards dominating thoughts and tingling in hands/3rd eye. Not much else to report other than I have much less of a desire to sit (although I still do every day) and off-cusion I am one cranky dude. Agitated about little things that I would have been so calm about a month ago or so. Trying to minful about it and not react.

[Russell]

Apr 2 2012, 8:41 PM EDT

Tonights sit was different. Much more peaceful and relaxed. Less getting caught up in thoughts and hardly any itches. Much more tingly vibrations at 3rd eye and hands/lower body. Noted hearing, remembering thoughts, itching (would instantly disappear), swallowing, tickle in throat, coughing (I'm sick with allergies) remembering thought. tingling-pleasant, just to name a few. Makes me more confused about mapping stuff, but it doesn't matter.

[Russell]

Apr 4 2012, 11:04 AM EDT

Finally had a good chat with Ron last night which always helps. Moving along. My sit yesterday was more unpleasant, but nothing major. Stating with the typical itches, solid itches that grow and change. Then things change to more contentment and happiness with easier noting and I can watch the itches form and then go away when I note them. Then I move to the "fun" stuff where noting gets clunky, by that I mean I note stuff late, like I missed something, then realize I shuld have noted that and I get carried away by thoughts easily. Feels like I'm not doing it right. Been throught this before, I get what is going on. Fear has risen a couple times but I feel my cutting edge is closer to Dissolution moving into Fear than anything. Hey, it's progress

[Russell]

Apr 4 2012, 9:25 PM EDT

Had another sit. Getting back into the groove more. Still have a slight lack of desire to sit but this time I didn't have the desire to look at the clock, but this cycle seems to be repeating itself just as before to my cutting edge. Very sleepy and spacey after the sit.

[Russell]

Apr 6 2012, 10:14 AM EDT

Saw this quote from Kenneth in Antero's early logs:

"The transition from First Path to Second can be a very confusing time and the temptation to draw conclusions prematurely can be almost irresistible. It is so easy to "script" your own progress once you know the map. I'm not sure where you are right now, but it will become clearer over time. Keep up the excellent practice and the clear reporting (but be slow to draw conclusions)."

This rings very true to me as all of this is unfolding. I am just patiently waiting for a lot of this to make more sense. Each sit feels very different and it's a bit confusing. Follows similar pattern then kind of goes all over the place and andy real clarity fizzles out. Starts with itching and general uncomfortableness and last night moved to rapid flickering then to just "i don't know." Really lots of jumbled thoughts and visual imaging thoughts coming from all over the place. Very random and hard to note.