Russell's Old Journal

[Russell]

Feb 24 2012, 8:23 PM EST

I have to thank Laurel for telling me about Adyashanti's "The End of Your World" This is summing up my recent experiences perfectly. I feel almost bi-polar like. One minute, I feel wise and "awake" then next, in the pits of despair. Not fun, but reading this book seems to help.

[Russell]

Feb 25 2012, 10:12 AM EST

Talked to Ron last night. Thanks Ron. Seems I may be flipping back and forth between Review and next path. Didn't think it would happen this fast, but I'm on the ride again whether I like it or not. (Which depends on the day at this moment)

[Russell]

Feb 25 2012, 11:23 PM EST

Sat for 35 minutes tonight. Pretty much think I have started 2nd path cycle now. Felt like I went through the 1st 3 nanas kind of up and down throughout the whole sit and towards the end I felt like I started to get a taste of A&P (bright lights and felt like it was building to something but never came). The sit consisted of noting thoughts followed by physical sensations (mind/body) then I would get the back pain/itches all over (the solid kind, not like re-observation where they just arise all over and disappear) then it would kind of switch back down, up and down the 1st 3 nanas for a while.

[Russell]

Feb 27 2012, 8:59 AM EST

Trying to decide if I want to start a Part II thread or not. Very confused about my practice. Feels like its easy to get concentrated but hard to note. My mind wants to just notice instead of mentally note. But I am doing my best. Cycling off the cushion has never been more pronounced. I seem to spend most the the AM in Dissolution and then the afternoon, is so much better, like I am in Equanimity.

Reply:

JLaurelC
Feb 27 2012, 4:11 PM EST

I'm glad he's been helpful--I just got "Emptiness Dancing" as well because I felt like reading more of him.

I admire you for sticking with practice even when it's difficult. My motivation is beginning to return, finally. I have no idea where I am, but I think I might be starting a new path as well, probably "Mind and Body."

[Russell]

Feb 28 2012, 9:29 AM EST

So, as I dance between review and my new path I am noticing fruitions finally. It seems as though when I flirt with the new A&P, the buildup of energy is bouncing me back and I have a 'conk out' so to speak. It has happened multiple times now. Sometimes more than once in a sit. As I sit, I start to feel some buildup of energy and see some lights then conk. No idea what happened, but I snap out of it a little more energized and continue. I know I am not dozing off and I have no real recollection of what happened. It almost feels like it happens to the side of my head. Hard to explain.

[Russell]

Feb 29 2012, 9:48 AM EST

As I continue to practice, motivation is coming back but not to the point where it was before SE where I would stop anything to sit. Still hard finding enough time, however sits continue to kind of unfold on their own. I cycle like crazy off the cushion too. When I sit I easily get concentrated doing 3 X 10 breaths then start trying to note but it still seems like I want to not note but just notice like when I was in EQ. It almost feels natural to just notice all the sensations/thoughts/emotions without proper noting. Is this ok after 1st path or whould I continue to force noting? I still do note but it slower and more like when I was in Lower EQ.

[Russell]

Feb 29 2012, 8:51 PM EST

Just sat tonight and I have no idea where I am but almost felt like EQ at some points. Got the 3rd eye tingling pressure and everything. Very odd. Kinda don't care where I am but I do keep getting lost in thought a bit even though I am heavily concentrated it seems. If I hear any noise, its stuns the crap out me and sometime I get bright strobes when the house creaks. Anyways, confusing, but nice...

[Russell]

Mar 1 2012, 10:11 PM EST

Thoughts are dominating and distracting. Just trying to note them and not get distracted. Still unsure of where I am, I got what feels like close to A&P late in my sit. Saw lights and rising energy but nothing major like Kundalini up the spine or anything. What I noticed first is my vision with my eyes closed started to break up and buzz then lights, then rising pleasure. It faded fairly quickly, but it's a start, I think.

[Russell]

Mar 3 2012, 10:32 AM EST

Very confused whether I am reviewing or on a new path. Hard to tell but no DN stuff seems to be creeping in other than off-cushion. However, my motivation to sit it continuing to come back. Tried to make a point to note really well last night. It was better than pervious sits, less getting caught up in thoughts. I feel like a beginner again sometimes.

[Russell]

Mar 5 2012, 8:45 AM EST

Saturday I did not get much paractice in but I still did. I resolved to never miss a day this year unless there were extreme circumstances. so I am still holding strong. Last night I sat twice for close to an hour total. I still have a hard time telling where I am but I feel like I may be a little further than I think for some reason. The reson I say is because I keep feeling like I cycle up through 3C's to A&P (although not super strong) I get bright lights and body flushing warmth and things buzz and vibrate a bit, then it calms down. Felt like cycled up to that 2 times then started getting some strong fear thoughts. So much so that I felt like I needed to open my eyes to make sure no one was creeping arounf in the room to get me. I never get that in meditation, so hopefully I am getting into DN territory. Sounds, funny, but I welcome it at this point.