Russell's Old Journal

[Russell]

Dec 22 2011, 11:24 AM EST

Only had a quick 10 minute sit yesterday when I snuck away at work. Horrid anxiety and nausea yesterday and this morning. Feel like I am getting sick. I think a lot of it has to do with our lovely cedar trees starting to pollenate and that mixed with my inner ear problems. I have a chat with Ron tonight so I hope I can get some more clarity on some things and report back later.

[Russell]

Dec 23 2011, 4:45 PM EST

Had a great chat with Ron last night. Thanks Ron! It always makes me feel better to talk to someone about this tough stuff. Looks like I am moving along swiftly, I just have to hunker down and push though. Going to add more concentration practice at the beginning of my sits and see how that goes. Also, going to try some Metta practice during the hard times as well. Will post after my sit tonight.

[Russell]

Dec 23 2011, 10:50 PM EST

As I sat tonight I tried to get strong concentration and it did feel like i could note better once I was concentrated. I did get to the point where I was mostly noting itching, tension in my jaw, lower back etc… then i noticed my face muscles around my nose start to twitch, and so I was grimacing quite a bit. I did have a pretty miserable day until later this evening. Still trying to hang in there. This whole dark knight thing reminds me of a song called "The Way Out is Through" it repeats - "All I've undergone, I will keep on" I've just got to remember to keep on keeping on. I wish I could have felt more clear minded and accepting like this earlier today when I was feeling miserable though.

[Russell]

Dec 24 2011, 9:54 PM EST

2 sits today. One 15 minute and one 30 minute. Felt like I slipped back, didn't have as much DN stuff going on. It may be because Ron wanted me to so concentration before beginning insight meditation, not sure. It seems like the only thing that helps my off the cushion "stuff" right now is sitting though. Almost felt like I just started to get some of the misery type stuff in my 15 minute sit today but the 30 minute one almost felt like I just hung out in a chilled out Dissolution for a while. I was very sleepy and distracted.

[Russell]

Dec 25 2011, 8:48 PM EST

Let's see, Merry Christmas to those of you who celebrate it. Long day of presents and kids and in-laws. Was a much less stressful day which is odd. Anixiety is decreasing for some reason, could be weather related.

Sat for 35 minutes tonight and started with concentration practice till I saw the lights and slight raptures (A&P is much less pronounced now) then started noting. This is the first time where I really noticed the Knowledge of Fear nana. Ron thinks since I have such a high tolerance for anxiety, I got through it straight to Misery without too much problem other than the off-cusion stuff. I still feel more foggy and things progress smoother (harder to notice the nanas) and slower when I start with concentration practice.

The Fear came on this way. All of a sudden, although I was sitting like normal, I got the feeling something was terribly wrong with me and then I heard (in my head) my mother law saying "Russell, Russell, are you ok? are you ok?" almost like I had lost consciousness and someone was trying to wake me up. (I do have a fear of passing out in public, dunno why) after that stage I got foggy agin but started noting terrible back pressure/pain, itches, but not as much as I have in the past (note: smoother transition into Misery I think)

I am really trying to focus on noting when things get foggy and I think it helps me push through the nanas, albeit slower than normal it seems.

[Russell]

Dec 26 2011, 8:59 PM EST

30 minute sit tonight. Not much new territory other than I feel like 'misery's more prominent. It seemed like itches and, jaw tension and lower back pain were fighting for each other. I would note itch, itch , itch but they would all be in different places as well as adding pain - unpleasant in there too. Also, any house creak or fridge turning on etc would startle the hell out of me too. A&P type stuff is still very faded. I seemed to spend less time in Dissolution and could note a little better and didn't get lost in many thoughts. Timer went off and I wanted to keep sitting to investigate the territory but my wife came into the room and I stopped.

[Russell]

Dec 27 2011, 9:17 PM EST

Probably sat for over an hour today. 10 min in the morning. about 30 min when I had acupuncture and then 30 min just a few minutes ago. The 1st 2 sits were mostly concentration, my vipassana sit tonight was interesting. Started with concentration until I saw lights basically, then noticed definite sinking dissolution, then I felt like I went straight into almost a different jhana like place but it was a bit fearful. I felt a strong pulsing and ringing in my ears then i felt like I started spinning which cause anxiety but I felt a rising like I was being absorbed by the state, the spinning stopped, I calmed down then the scrunching of the nose began. This whole time is was hard to keep noting, but I did my best. Then I felt like things calmed further back down to dissolution and then I got very startled by a sound. Not sure what all of that was all about. Felt like I cycled through the DN stuff pretty rapidly, from what I can notice. Some if it is hard to see and its not all unpleasant to watch. Hrmmm.

[Russell]

Dec 28 2011, 1:14 PM EST

After my sit last night I had these weird profound questions going around in my head as I lay trying to sleep. I just lay there wondering to myself why our brains become the way they do, and why we have to cling to things and create our own suffering unbeknownst to us. I made me almost want to figure out how it all works and raise my children differently. Hard to explain (as most of this is) but I wanted to note it here so I can come back and read through all of this later.

[Russell]

Dec 28 2011, 8:54 PM EST

35 minutes tonight. Got concentrated more quickly than usual it seemed so I started noting and I got the pulsing heartbeat like sound in my ears and loud tinnitus type ringing again, noted itching like crazy all over, it was moving everywhere. Finally notice grimacing, tensing around my nose and then noted ringing and stayed with it because it grabbed ahold of my attention then my nose and facial muscles started spasming uncontrollably and my breath increased dramatically. Very strange and anxiety inducing but I let it happen as it was happening. When it finally stopped my face felt like it was still very grimaced but I gradually sunk back down, ear ringing stopped and itching started back up, so bad that I had to scratch my face once, which I never feel like I have to do.

Man, this is getting interesting really fast.

[Russell]

Dec 29 2011, 9:10 PM EST

Longer sit tonight. Pretty close to an hour. Frustrating sit with lots of phone call interruptions, dogs barking etc, noted them but ughh. It seems that I get to a point where the only things to note are my breath and the loud ringing in my ears which turns to pulsing when i move my attention to it. I still got the grimacing and twitching in my nose, its weird, like I know I am doing it but I cannot relax my face. At one point my stomach started hurting and a burped. (sorry I know thats gross) Not sure what to make of all of this. It becomes hard to find anything to note at certain points in the sit. Like I said before, ringing is predominant, I hear it but it feels like it is behind me. What do I do when I find it hard to find anything to note other than one particular thing?