Russell's Old Journal

[Russell]

Dec 16 2011, 10:07 AM EST

Another day, another sit last night. I still have the strong desire to practice, but it is seeming less interesting when i do sit. Still feels like cycling happening when I sit but buiding slower. When I was done with 30 minutes or so, I still felt "un-done" but relaxed. I was planning to sit again after i read a bit at night but I got too sleepy.

Reply:

Rob_Mtl
Dec 16 2011, 12:31 PM EST

I can't know for sure where you are, but if you're passing through A&P, it would be natural to go into a calmer and spacier place afterward.

Furthermore, that calmer, spacier place involves a kind of natural panoramic attention.

When you first encounter that, you'll think that you're losing all your concentration, because it's very easy to be distracted, when data comes from all directions. It's actually progress, but at first it feels like backsliding.

See what happens if, when you feel like you're losing the thread, you open yourself up to sound from all over. See if hearing seems more "3D".

At this point, you'll probably have to get used to the idea that a sitting session won't necessarily "stabilize" you or provide you with calm.

In fact, you might start to feel roadbumps in the couple of hours after you sit, because you'll still keep arcing through the "nana" trajectory even after you end a formal session. You might need to practice a bit of extra patience with people around you.

Keep in mind: when you decide to get up from a sit, you're stepping off of a moving train

[Russell]

Dec 16 2011, 1:47 PM EST

Thanks for the suggestions Rob, I will try that tonight.
I emailed Ron about this this other day. I am one cranky dude during the day lately and I really have to watch it and realize what I am doing. I don't necessarily "see" the cycling all day, but I think I am going through it all day. There will be moments where I am very calm and relaxed and then moments where the littlest thing will frustrate the hell out of me. He suggested I take a step back and ask myself where the emotions are coming from etc... and also noting during the day helps me get out of the self fulfilling feedback loops.

Reply:

Rob_Mtl
Dec 16 2011, 2:31 PM EST

"but I think I am going through it all day"

Yes, I think so- we like to formalize this thing with the insight maps and all, but the fact is, once you crack the eggshell of your perception at A&P, you can cycle- actually, I would even say zigzag- all over the territory. The sense of "progress" on the maps, and patterns in your practice, is something you only really get to see in retrospect.

Everything you've reported above is a sign of solid, effective practice. Keep it up!

By the way, I love Laurel's very apt golf analogy, above. I would just add this nuance: later on, you'll realize that you got a hole-in-one at every stroke, and just didn't know it

[Russell]

Dec 17 2011, 10:57 AM EST

Hah, I love the golf analogies.

Another 30 minute sit last night. You are right, I start off noting ok then it seem to get a lot harder and i start missing this and and that but then note it way after it happened, especially thoughts and mental imagery. I built up a lot of concentration over the previous months, so following thoughts etc has not been a problem for me but I noticed myself following a few thought trails. I can't seem to stay in the the A&P like moments for as long anymore, but I do become rather relaxed and blissful, although still a bit unsatisfied. Woke up this morning with what I thought was a headache and my hips aching like I was getting ready to come down with a cold or the flu, but I feel fine now.

[Russell]

Dec 17 2011, 10:05 PM EST

Another sit tonight. 25-30 minutes. Started with a little bit of concentration practice and began noting. I am starting to get less and less of the A&P like raptures and then I get into a still blissful, but very chilled out state where it seems like I can no longer note properly, or like I am lazy about it. Almost feels like I am falling asleep but I am not. I kind of catch myself, not noting things, etc... A bit frustrating but I'm not letting it bother me. It seems to line up with Dissolution but until I talk to Ron again, I'm not making any assumptions. Could be that I am just not as focused today or something.

[Russell]

Dec 18 2011, 9:47 PM EST

Had a horribly anxious day today for no reason at all. After a nice relaxed morning, I took one of my daughters to the supermarket and just about turned around because of extreme anxiety. Never been anxious like that at the store. Very odd for it to pop up randomly like that. It was hard to try to note through it with my daughter there, but I pushed through quickly and got the heck out of there. 30 minute sit tonight. More of the same for the sit. The brighter lights and raptures are still toned down but i do feel nice and blissful although frustrated during the sit.

I have a theory. I think I got to A&P about a month or 2 ago just doing concentration practices because now that i look back there was a lot of investigation and noticing sensations as they raised while trying to build my concentration. I think then I was slipping in to Dissolution until I started vipassana. Now the path is showing itself to me and i am recognizing the cycle. I can't wait to have my Skype session with Ron later this week.

Reply:

Rob_Mtl
Dec 19 2011, 1:18 PM EST

When I wrote that thing last week about appearing to lose concentration even though you are really gaining a new kind of panoramic attention, I was taking it as a working hypothesis that you were hitting Dissolution. So it'd be natural if you started hitiing Fear.

For me, when the nana of Fear hit, it hit fast- an instantaneous attack of objectless anxiety. It's quite likely that other "dark night" nanas will unfold in coming days- they tend to morph, unfolding one to the other, in a fairly short sequence, until Re-Observation. This may include feelings of sadness, nostalgia, loss of appetite and/or libido, wanting to give up everything and go off somewhere alone, wanting to stop meditating...

Do what you can to watch what happens in your body when you're experiencing the hard stuff, rather than focus on the emotional effect.


Think of qualities that you can observe that aren't emotionanlly charged, such as, "Do I feel it in my throat? My chest? Do I feel it a lot or a little?"

Of course you can't be 100% dispassionate about these phenomena, but do what you can to keep a little distance and a sense of humour.

Courage! These things can be freaky as heck, but they come and go.

[Russell]

Dec 19 2011, 3:23 PM EST

Rob, thanks so much. Your posts have been extremely helpful. I have had problems with anxiety in the past so this is nothing new, but when it is completely unwarrented and objectless is what freaks me out. Pretty much been on edge all day today as well. Not fun, and hard not to let it take me over but i'm doing my best to try to take a step back.

Reply:

JLaurelC
Dec 19 2011, 9:26 PM EST

So sorry to hear about your anxiety (or I should say I'm not sorry because it's progress; but then I am sympathizing because it feels awful). I've been having the same thing happen; on Saturday I almost thought I was suffering from agoraphobia, like getting anywhere outside of my (very narrow) comfort zone would prompt an attack. There is though as you say an impersonal quality about it, and at the time I just sat with it. I've been back and forth with this stuff a lot over the past few months. It's not only painful to experience, but also really hard to explain to other people.

@Rob: I am not yet at the point where I can see that everything is really a hole-in-one . Right now I feel like I'm off in the rough and can't even find the damn ball half the time!

[Russell]

Dec 20 2011, 8:55 AM EST

Thanks for the encouragement. After my sit last night, which really seemed uneventful. Feels like anything A&P like is a distant memory. I do get pleasurable feelings but nothing A&P like, some strobing of lights in my visual field like they start out close and move out into the distance in waves. After my sit, I watched some TV with my wife and had the most miserable jaw pain and tension that I can ever remember having. Also felt more of that hip pain/uncomfortableness that I sometimes associate with feeling like I am going to get a cold or the flu. It's that achy feeling before you are going to get sick. I had a short sit this morning. Like 15 minutes, not much to report other than afterwards I took a shower and kind of felt an acceptace about all this "crap" and that I know it will go away if I just keep at it. I re-read Ron's descriptions of the dark night stages on his site and the more and more I look at this, the more and more I keep thinking I have been Dark Night cycling for a long time (up to 2 years even) and just not "seeing" it for how it is/was until now. I feel more of an acceptance today, but I still feel like hell. Just a heavy sinking feeling mixed with dizziness, nausea, etc... I'm gonna bust through this thing no matter what it takes!!!

Reply:

jgroove
Dec 20 2011, 9:43 AM EST

Hey Russell.
Metta to you! Hang in there!

[Russell]

Dec 20 2011, 4:53 PM EST

Thank you for the support. Needing it right now. Bouncing around today between feeling ok and then definitely not ok.

[Russell]

Dec 20 2011, 10:16 PM EST

30 minutes tonight. After a bit I got major itches on my face and they would expand and change and feel like moving vibrations or pressure points moving all over like half of my face and finally dissipate. Other than that, sitting makes me feel good. I need to find more time during the day to at least have a few short 15 minute sits or so. Still have the jaw pain but its not nearly as bad and i noticed my ears ringing and the pulsing of my heartbeat in my ears, but it feel like it is literally behind me and not at the center of my attention. Wow, I just reread what I typed and it made no sense, spelling errors, wrong words...what the heck.. all fixed.

[Russell]

Dec 21 2011, 9:19 AM EST

Edit from yesterdays sit. I noticed that when any loud noise (i.e. - house creaking, door opening, dog barking, etc...) happens when I sit I get fairly startled. Not fear per say, but definite kind of started feeling and heart skips a beat.

Replies:

JLaurelC
Dec 21 2011, 10:11 AM EST

That loud ear ringing and jackhammer heartbeat are very familiar. I have at times wondered whether the heartbeat was someone hammering outside--I kid you not!

Rob_Mtl
Dec 21 2011, 3:57 PM EST

Oh yeah- I remember a couple of nights lying awake with all sorts of jackhammering and drilling going on... I guess it's the Dharma Guys in overalls and hardhats, doing their renovation work on your head.