Russell's Old Journal

[Russell]

Apr 7 2012, 10:14 AM EDT

Was very tired for last nights sit so it was a bit shorter than usual but it what happen was slightly different, or faster per se. Started with pretty deep concentration, built up faster than usual, quick itches that disappeared faster than previous sits, then got quickly absorbed in 2nd jhana-like pleasantness rising from hands up through my head and stayed like that till it fizzled out after a couple of minutes. Then I had wandering thoughts and boredom and started nodding off so I called it a night.

[Russell]

Apr 9 2012, 8:50 AM EDT

Most of my weekend sits were very unfocused feeling and sleepy. Was figting off dozing off for the last 15 minutes of my sit last night. Not sure why I am so tired because I am usually not like that. Tried to open eyes, change position, note the tiredness but my head kept bobbing. Trying to get more sits in today.

Replies:

JLaurelC
Apr 9 2012, 10:11 AM EDT

I'm getting a lot out of your thread, Russell. I'm trying to get my groove back; seems like you've been really diligent about practicing through some awkward stuff. I will be interested to see where you go next!

giragirasol
Apr 9 2012, 11:59 AM EDT

Sleepiness is often just a state that arises, nothing to do with actually needing more sleep. Besides opening eyes and bringing determination to the sit, I used to sit on the edge of a hard chair, since one then feels prone to falling off the chair if one falls asleep, which helped keep me more alert. In any case it always passed after a few sits. I may be the only one to say this, and it may not be appropriate in all cases, but I now just let whatever state come or go, including a variety of sleep-like/semi-conscious or unconscious states, and just don't worry about it. My guess is the brain is rewiring things and working stuff out, and all the various states are just side effects.

Russell
Apr 9 2012, 12:08 PM EDT

Thanks Laurel. Been a wierd ride this time around with a lot of confusion. What I thought was EQ a while back was probably me rapidly cycling in Review Phase B. Def on a new path now and Ron thinks I am in Dissolution/Fear, but the sleepiness as made it really hard to note so it feels like I lack of progress. Typical Dark Night stuff so I am not worried. Just a little frustration though, but I told myself to never go a day without sitting while I am on this journey and I have lived up to that resolution.

Russell
Apr 9 2012, 12:09 PM EDT

"Sleepiness is often just a state that arises, nothing to do with actually needing more sleep. Besides opening eyes and bringing determination to the sit, I used to sit on the edge of a hard chair, since one then feels prone to falling off the chair if one falls asleep, which helped keep me more alert. In any case it always passed after a few sits. I may be the only one to say this, and it may not be appropriate in all cases, but I now just let whatever state come or go, including a variety of sleep-like/semi-conscious or unconscious states, and just don't worry about it. My guess is the brain is rewiring things and working stuff out, and all the various states are just side effects."

Thanks for this!

JLaurelC
Apr 9 2012, 1:21 PM EDT

My experience of Dissolution in first path involved sleepiness and inability to note. So if you're following that pattern, it sounds very familiar. Good luck with it.

Russell
Apr 9 2012, 3:55 PM EDT

Yeah, me too a little, but nothing like this Most of my DN symptoms came off-cushion the 1st time around.

[Russell]

Apr 10 2012, 8:59 AM EDT

Last nights sit was less drowsy. Still there but much less. I was able to get through the sit without wondering how long I had been sitting. However, it started with brutal itches that too several minutes to go away, then I felt joy and contentment as things settled, then the sleepiness settled in, but like I said before, it was no where near what it was the last few days.

[Russell]

Apr 10 2012, 9:03 PM EDT

Getting back my groove as far as the sleepiness is concerned. No sleepiness anymore, but some disturbing imagery popping up. Cycles feel like they are speeding up: the solid itches don't last nearly as long, brightness and pleasantness follows but it is mild, no raptures, later in the sit I started getting the disturbing imagery. This is weird and graphic, but I heard a dove cooing outside, then I pictured someone picking up and snapping its neck and the dead dove completely decayed on the ground. Then itches started again but much more rapid and I would note it, focus on it slightly, it would disappear and my attention would move to another itch that popped up. Then more morbid mental imagery of a bloody unrecognizable persons face. None of this imagery ever happened to me during 1st path. Interesting.

[Russell]

Apr 11 2012, 9:25 PM EDT

Whoa, getting into some very familiar DN territory now on the cushion. Just had a 35 minute sit that ended in some major face twitching, grimacing that was quite uncontrollable along with an almost sticky hot, sweaty feeling. Wanted to jump out of my body, felt gross. Anyways, I use my phone as a timer and when it went off i tried to stay in that state and take a picture of myself and it is quite hilarious to see myself with that terrible grimace.

It is affecting me off the cushion as well but in pretty subtle ways, like I catch myself about to say a rude comment about someone, or getting agitated easily. Not as much anxiety yet off cushion. Hopefully it remains that way.

[Russell]

Apr 13 2012, 10:10 AM EDT

My sit last night was less reminiscent of the previous sit. Less pronounced itches at the beginning, calmer, but I had more frustration at the end like I was loosing focus again and was wondering when the sit would end. Strange how it can change like this daily.

After listening to a lot of dharma talks lately, it seems, while this path is very similar to 1st, that I am starting to see these patterns of how I cause my own suffering more and more off the cushion than ever before. It may be related to where I am on the path, but its almost like I can see things arise and then how I hold on to them, react and subsequently suffer. Just seeing this process is helping me, however, I currently don't have enough distance from it to not get stuck in my patterns, but that will come with time.

[Russell]

Apr 14 2012, 10:36 AM EDT

Can't describe last nights sit very well. Got concentrated very quickly. Thoughts were less dominant. Seems to get quickly to pleasant sensations and brightness in the visual field which turned more into slight loss of concentration with kind of fizzy stuff going on in the periphery. and then itches, but the kind that pop up and when noted, disappear right away as another one pops up. Towards the end of the sit, I noticed these fade away and I was very calm, relaxed and started getting the familiar tingling at the 3rd eye and sort of realized I was not noting but noticing everything. Then I tried to just focus on the tingling on my forehead. Very reminiscent of EQ in 1st path, but it seems too fast to be there already, but time will tell.

[Russell]

Apr 15 2012, 8:40 PM EDT

Several sits this weekend. Saturday I was completely physically exhausted but tried to sit anyways and started nodding off and got very tired. Tried changing positions, even lied down. Stopped the session early and took a nap. Todays sit was reminiscent of EQ from first path again. After quickly going through some fast itching. Tingling in my hand turned into the feeling of disappearing of my hands and lower body. Not much to note, noticing everything around very quickly. Slight tingling at 3rd eye. Having some very weird not-self moments off cushion that are a little destabilizing. Wife will be talking to me and I am not sure who is taking in the information, or I can almost see the steps that is happening in my mind. Also, had this happen when I have something to say. It's like I can see the whole mental process - thinking -> analyzing content -> intention to speak -> speaking. Very strange and a little anxiety inducing.

[Russell]

Apr 16 2012, 11:22 PM EDT

Sit tonight was similar to yesterday. Seem to quickly cycle up to calm, content, nothingness, bored, a little sleepy, starting to get vibrations and some absorbed pleasant sensations when I really get concentrated. I remember flickering from last night but not tonight. Seemed to be able to switch to 2nd gear a bit like I am watching certain sensations (like pressure at 3rd eye) from a distance again.

[Russell]

Apr 17 2012, 10:32 AM EDT

Talked to Ron last night. Always a great help and motivation to keep on keeping on. Still having more and more of those weird not-self moment during the day. Hard to describe and a little awkward and destabilizing, but I am sure I will get used to it and hopefully more fascinated by it.