Russell's Old Journal

[Russell]

Dec 7 2012, 1:25 PM EST

Tomorrow marks 1 year since I first chatted with Ron and started noting. Wow, how time flies! I have come a long way but at the same time, in a way, I feel like I am right where I started. Very strange feeling. Thanks to everyone, especially Ron, who hashelped me along the way so far. Many more posts to come.

Last night on the plane, after tinkering with my iPad for an hour (in flight Wifi) I tried to meditate and it was more like lucid dreaming. I remember visualizing doing all the things that I had done that day but from the perspective of awareness, like I was everyone and everything. It kept making me smile and get little mini kriyas. Just kind of jolts of energy. I "woke up" and just watched the clear night sky as we landed and realized how small the 'self' is in the big picture. When I got home (aound midnight) I still couldnt sleep. Lots of energetic stuff happening. I was having more visualizations, this time of a woman talking to me although i cant remember what she was saying. Had more energy blast little twitches and then finally went to sleep.

Reply:

RonCrouch
Dec 7 2012, 11:07 AM EST

The gratitude is all mine Russell! Thanks so much for letting me be a part of your path.

[Russell]

Dec 9 2012, 11:02 AM EST

I've been asking myself a lot lately when I have anxiety about anything "does the self want to be anxious?"

It seems like this is a way for the self to check in on itself. It is almost like it has to check in and see if it can 'feel deeply' and also check if it is still there. When things flow, it jumps and and says 'hey, I'm still here, see! Feel this!'

Watching this pattern is very revealing.

[Russell]

Dec 10 2012, 8:03 PM EST

Seems these insights integrate rather quickly lately. It is like you see something, and then it becomes the new norm so quickly that its easy to just wonder how you didn't see something as clearly before.

Deep calm settling in again, at least for the moment. More and more flow moments, with twinges of anxiety in between that can be grounded fairly easily for now.

The desire/need to sit is fading to the point where I don't even think about it until bedtime.

Who knows what the next moment with bring?

[Russell]

Dec 14 2012, 5:56 PM EST

Went through a little self-induced frustration in attempting to over anaylze things. In a miserable attempt to surrender I was watching the mind latch on and objectify things and it was very frustrating. The ego latches on and makes a story about everything (ohh this is pain, this is a thought, etc). Now the mind sees this and gets frustrated. Have to just go back and remember there is just this moment again.

Replies:

betawave
Dec 15 2012, 6:31 AM EST

Russell, I'm going to post something in my thread, it might make you feel better about what you're going through here...

cmarti
Dec 15 2012, 8:33 AM EST

Russell, I'm reading your thread as it goes along and the theme I'm getting is of intense seeking, active, looking for something, judgments about not seeing it, not getting it, and that you are just not at all what or where you want to be. My prescription, FWIW, is to chill a bit. Really chill. Drop everything for now, but especially the desire to get somewhere.

Russell
Dec 15 2012, 8:38 AM EST

I agree Chris. I keep shifting from relaxing into things and then an intense desire to get things done and all that comes with that. More of the latter unfortunately. . Thanks for the tips. I will chill

cmarti
Dec 15 2012, 8:52 AM EST

Follow betawave's thread 'cause what he is saying might help you.

[Russell]

Dec 22 2012, 11:22 AM EST

Been a week since I posted here. I have never gone that long before. My practice lately has been non-practice. The goal oriented nature of practice is getting in the way at this point. So, like Chris said above, I have been chilling out. It is a such a relief. This week has really allowed for really noticing how much I am trying to control things. Any time I start to feel strong agencylessness, I notice the mind trying to bring things back into control and that is when I get anxious. So for now, I am just watching this process and giving it some love. Fighting it would not make it stop, it would only make for more controlling. This is very interesting.

[Russell]

This is all I have of my old log. I began posting small updates about once a week until the old forum went down in flames. And right as the forum went down I got technical 4th path. Still feels weird and vulnerable to say anything about it. I posted something on the new old forum to the effect of:

"R.I.P – Here lies Russell’s expectations. Died 2013. They were complete and utter B.S."

I wrote a whole bunch right afterwards but I will not post it here. Maybe some day.

I will start a new thread eventually with any progress since then.

I hope this helps some people.

P.S. - Inside joke from the wetpaint forums:

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