Jim's practice journal

[NeverSummer]

Seemingly lots of insights over the past week.

First, blind spots: To expand on my previous entry regarding some expectations I had been carrying around without even noticing "...I feel like I may have been a bit too hung up on the fact that the dark night process is, in fact, impermanent in the long view. I realized that I was carrying quite a bit of expectations around that -- that it is a finite process"...What I did here was shift my perspective to assume that these re-observation cycles would be with me *indefinitely*, and I needed to accommodate them as such, and function accordingly. And, although there's an assumption lodged in there, this seems to have helped calm things down a bit. I was able to dis-embed from those expectations I was stuck in and "set them out in front of me."

Another blind spot: In reading about dark night stuff over at the Hamilton Project webpage, I read advice to the effect that one should, under no circumstances, believe in or give credence to the ridiculous, paranoid thoughts that arise during this process. However, in working on that, I found that disbelieving itself can carry with it no small amount of judgement and aversion. Even attempts to provide a loving vessel for all of this roiling energy coursing through me resulted in some sweeping aside and ignoring of aversion...Kenneth's advice to Laurel to "note aversion" during this process was extremely helpful in detecting this, and again, "setting it out in front of me".

In terms of daily practice, my sits have evolved into: Doing embodied vipassana, really focusing on "this is what is happening right now", and noting aversion. As I do this, however, the strata of mind and second gear practices start of their own accord after awhile. So, these two main practices of mine seem to have merged, and deepened. Through the deepening I'm noticing some things: Most of the strata is presenting very strongly -- my concentration is strong and the jhanas are extremely nice and peaceful. This is the case up to PL jhanas 3-5. I've always found it difficult to sustain concentration in this territory, but I've just kind of left it at that. As I can seem to see more deeply into it now, I realize that not only do I have difficulty sustaining concentration here, there's a tremendous amount of roiling energy, tenseness and uncomfortable physical sensations going on. It really seems like this territory has not entirely fleshed itself out. There's an incredible sense of loosening and relaxation that occurs when I drop down from PL3 to PL2.

The headaches stopped about 4 days after stopping the dis-embedding from awareness practices. Not sure if there is actually a link, I'll play with this some more after things calm down a bit more...

A really strong break into equanimity on Saturday morning (5 days ago). I spontaneously wept (tears of joy this time). The past few days, that thing where there is lots of energetic activity in the heart center accompanied by some anxiety...Again, setting it out in front of me. This is what is happening right now.