Viktor's practice journal 2

[viktorvnh]

Lately I've been sitting for 2 hours in a row, but changing my posture a few times. I first do choiceless noting for 45 minutes (covering the four foundations) sitting cross-legged, then I take up my legs and count my breathing for thirty minutes - trying to be aware of both the breath and also "I as awareness". I learned this technique on Dharma Overground - saying "I am watching breath" from time to time ... pronouncing the "I" very slowly and simultaneosly trying to feel the I as awareness.

Sometimes I get into a nice flow, but staying with the breathing is still so much harder than the choiceless noting and I often get lost in thoughts which lead to frustration. Somehow I still feel that I want to practice this.

I am starting this practice journal again to gain motivation. I hope it will somehow help since the monsters of self-doubt and wanting to give up have become so strong lately that they have almost overpowered me. Sometimes I lose all equanimity and frustration and self-doubt shakes me to the bone. I haven't been able to keep my resolutions of sitting for the whole time... sometimes just a tiny pain in the knees can make my body twist and turn, I try to remain still but it seems strangely impossible. And even if I have told myself to keep sitting the impulse to stop just overpowers me and I get up from the cross-legged pose.

I've gone to bed early instead of practicing, I've slept for too long. It's like I'm starting to lack all motivation to get enlightened, but at the same time I know I can't stay where I'm at now ... because honestly things suck. So I'm in limbo. I don't know how to gain determination and motivation again.

I see now that this post is very negative. Yup, I'm drawn to the whining at the moment...

I look forward to starting to work with Antero again and I will see him tonight. Hopefully this log and the meetings with him will get me on track again.

[catsquotl]

Thank you for your post.

After having some succes in noting practice I seem to hit the same resistance when trying to just be with the breath.
So if it's any consilation... You're not alone

with love
Eelco

[Russell]

I look forward to starting to work with Antero again and I will see him tonight. Hopefully this log and the meetings with him will get me on track again.

Good idea! Have you tried doing the concentration practices before the vipassana, instead of the other way around?