Eelco's practice

[catsquotl]

Hi everyone,

I'll start by quicly introducing myself.
I am Eelco, 41 years on this planet. I have a wonderful wife and 6 children ages 2,4,7,10,13,14.

Over the years I have had an ongoing love/hate relationship with the spiritual side's of life, but somehow never was able to come to any prolonged periods of spiritual practice. As a young child after reading the wonderful tale of Henry Sugar by Roald Dahl I tried to do some meditation lying on my back looking at the light bulb in my room.(candle's weren't allowed at that age) and tried to do some Hatha Yoga from a book I found in my dad's library.

Played a bit with ouia boards in high school and was given a book on chakra's when I was about 18 something.
Then did some new-age like courses in bodywork(reich and alexander lowen techniques) which mainly hurt but did not provide insight or clarity. Trancendental meditation for a few months until my girfriend back then had a psychotic episode and died on new-years even when she stood before a moving train.

Got a pretty good idea of impermanence then and there... Went into some sort of depressed state for a while, followed a guru called Shantimayi around europe for a while, dabbled with bio-dynamic agriculture for a year, Aikido practice (off and on for 18 years) and at age 26 met my wife and figured I might as wel try the married and normal life for a while.. Was a punk squatter before then.(mohawk, drugs and everything).

In my searches got an education as a Shiatsu therapist 2 years ago, but remained working as a "nurse?" with mentally handicapt, autistic people with so called difficult to understand behaviour.

The last few years I have been immersed in some ascension cult like group(which I broke free from) and was heavily into conspiracy theories....

About 2 months ago I decided to take a year sabbatical. That is no tv, books, internet or too much outside stimuly in order to get to know me and what it means to be a human being called Eelco. Did that for about a month until I notices my understanding of medative practices was lacking. Or anyway gave waay to many doubts for me to really get into it. I was just sitting and trying to keep my attention on the breath.. I remembered then that a few years ago I did an experimental aikido/vipassana course where we would alternate betwen an hour aikido practice, anhour sitting meditation and half an hour walking meditation. The meditations where led by this wonderful almost 80 year old buddhist nun.

Anyway I decided to look on the internet for more information on vipassana and found Daniel Ingrams mastering the core teachings of the Buddha. I started to do some noting in my meditations and worked up to 2 sits of about 40 minutes until 2 weeks ago. Then i incorporated walking and now usually do 25 minutes of walking followed by 25 minutes of sitting twice a day. Between 5 and 6 in the morning and before retiering for bed.

This morning a had the house to myself and figured that I'd do 2 rounds of that but decided to start with just sitting and focussing on the breath. After my timer went of I felt relaxed and continued sitting. where about 15 minutes into that I got really restles and found myself opening my eyes and stopping the timer at 18 minutes...

I noticed before that near the end of my sits after the walking meditation I am really struggling to get to the end of the timeslot I had set for meditating and more then once found myself breaking of the meditation just around the 18 to 22 minute mark. I am wondering where this dip in attention comes from...

Anyway thats it for now.
WIth Love
Eelco

[catsquotl]

This morning 25 minutes of walking. And 15 minutes of sitting.
When walking I try to note heel up,front(foot), toes, lifting, moving, lowering, touching,stepping, moving(weigth).
Today the noting was predomenantly absent due to wanderings of the mind which I had trouble noticing. Also like yesterday evening somehow my steps are at times really unstable So that I need to adjust and sway my body just to keep from falling.

Sitting started out ok. I was able to focus on the breath fairly quickly, My hips didn''t hurt after about 10 minutes my son came down. As it was really early stil I send him back to bed, But I was out of it en when i stood up i noticed only 15 minutes had passed.

This was the first morning I meditated before I had a cup of coffee or anything. Maybe thats why i felt clouded and unstable? Need to wake up a bit first maybe..

With Love
Eelco

[Bill29ish]

Welcome to the forum Eelco.

[Antero]

Hi everyone,

I noticed before that near the end of my sits after the walking meditation I am really struggling to get to the end of the timeslot I had set for meditating and more then once found myself breaking of the meditation just around the 18 to 22 minute mark. I am wondering where this dip in attention comes from...

Eelco

Welcome Eelco!

It is good to build a habit of not breaking the sit when things get tough. If you have read about the stages of insight, you will probably already know that all kinds of unpleasant things will show up if you keep on practicing. Therefore you can also say that discomfort, struggling, negativity, low motivation and so on are signs that your practice is going forward. Keep on noting and don't forget to journal!

Antero

[marc]

Hoi Eelco, welkom op het forum! Leuk om hier een mede-Drent te zien! (ik woon zelf in Paterswolde)
Good luck with your practice!

Marc

[catsquotl]

Thank you all for the welcome,

Just finnished tonights practice. In order to maybe make it a bit easier to sit for the 25 minutes I've set myself I switched walking and sitting around. Also I made the resolve that I would remain in the burmese position for the whole sit. Often I switch to seiza somewhere in the middle of my sit. For one because my hips aren't all that flexible yet. and seiza comes mor easily after 18 years of aikido with prolonged seiza sessions.. Anyway right after the resolve was made my left hip started to make itself know with that all familiar sting. Keeping with the breath.. Sometimes noting pain, and encouraging myself.."You can sit through this also" Time really flew by. At some point i was getting really close to moving (just the fear of more pain from that initial position) kept me seated. At that point it felt like only ten minutes or so had passed. Can you imagine my relief when the bell rung only a few minutes later? So some joy of aclompishment arose.

I stood up for the walking part. I was fairly able to keep my being near my feet. There were some thoughts, but these passed quickly enough. I noted heel up, lifting, moving, lowering, touching, placing and transfer(weight)
I used to note foot and toes aswel between heel up and lifting, but the last few days that seemed to hectic. What was good to see that in dropping these last 2 notes I was more able to feel or be with the way my foot rolled from heel to toe before lifting..

What struck me as most "insightfull" this walking session was that usually when I get fatiged during walking. I get some burning sensations in my eyes. My sight blurs a bit and my movement becomes less coordinated. I usualy have to stand still and breath for a while before going on or keep walking in a haze.. This time though these "fatiged"periods arose and passed on there own several times with a clear difference between fatige and more awake moments in sight, coordination and haze..

[catsquotl]

This morning I upped my time to 30 minutes of sitting and 30 minutes of walking.

Sitting first and making the resolve to keep seated does seem to work for now.
I also put 2 small pillows beneath my knees which made for a less painful hip experience. I was able to keep noticing the breath all throughout the sit. Although my mind wandered a bit here and there. I do notice that i feel the breath as well as noticing my thoughts, which suggests i need to go deeper into noticing one thing at the time instead of noticing breathing and thinking simultaniously. There is the feeling of slight disconectedness when i breath and thing or notice sensations at the same time..

Walking went ok for a while although i became a bit more restless 20 minutes in. ABout the same time i used to have trouble remaining seated. That said though it is easier to remain walking than it was to remain seated at those times. I feel like the act of stepping, stepping makes for lightly more diversion from the feelings of restlessnes that arise. As if the restlessness is less overwhelming than it is when sitting still.

With Love
Eelco

[catsquotl]

Last nights practice was ok. Sitting relatively painless for 30 minutes. somet thoughts but not much.I noticed though that instead of noting every breath sensation at times I was just looking at them without the mental notes. This did give rise to some thoughts of how I am practicing and if I am doing it right. Which then included thoughts about correct posture and such.. Walking was a diferent story however. Soon after I started my walking meditation I became extremely tired. during most steps i had to make gross corrctions to keep from falling over. The tiredness did not subsife and at the 28 minute mark i stopped. Having a smoke afterwards before bed I noticed how everything in my mind had cleared up. the tiredness and fogg dissipated..

This mornings meditation:
Sitting was ok. Still had some doubts about the way I practised and for the first 10 to 15 minutes my mind was all over the place. lost in thoughts and stories.. I became a little more quiet and aware towards the end. Walking went much easier then last night.

Somehow a few weeks in my practise it feels like some kind of "boredom" or automated noting has set in where even though i note the 6 phases of a step my mind simultaniously wanders... I haven't found the knack yet to minfully concentrate on just the steps and it makes me wonder if I either am more aware of the thoughtstream and thus keep seing the simultatious wanderings as wel as the steps because I am more aware or that my mind has found a way to circumvent my resolve to keep one-pointed on the steps..

With Love
Eelco

[Bill29ish]

Hi Eelco: If boredom arises note it as "boredom". Same with "doubt". The practice of noting is done so that after doing it for a period of time we begin to see the impersonal in the personal and in this way are free from falsely identifying with what was never ours to begin with. If you're not noting in a wide open way (i.e whatever is coming up for you at that moment) it might be useful to begin doing so.

[catsquotl]

Hi,

two evenings ago I came home very late after work and decided to just sit for 30 minutes. After about 15 I noticed I was sleeping, so just went to bed. Yesterday a headache all day I did my morning meditation but when I got home after work (12.5 hr shift) just went to bed..

Did my morning meditation just now. sat and walked for 30 minutes each. I am stil unsure during my meditation on the speed of noting. I read several suggestions. from noting one thing every seccond to noting up to 10 things a seccond. Somehow I have this believe that i have to have acces concentration first so during my sits and walkes I seem to be alternating between just noting the breath which is on in and one out breath every 1 to 4 seconds. during which I do notice thoughts, sensations and/or moods. I note some of them, but nor all.

In walking as I use the 6 part noting at times I find I miss some. especially the lowering sensation between moving forward and touching. At other times there seems to be so much more to note during walks. from the sensations of rolling the foot on the front foot. seeing the front foot loose and just touching with the toes before lifting the foot all together along with the small sensations in my hips and upper leg muscles, knees and then of course the thoughts, the way i hold my hands and the way that my upper back is carrying my arms and hands which make them somewhat contracted or even painfull.

As I am planning to go on my first retreat at the http://www.vipassana-dhammacari.com/main_eng.html meditation centre somewhere in febuary.I am reading and trying to incorporate Ajahn Tongs vipassana exercises, but find the way to touch various body points in such a structured manner a bit to forced for now.. Which gives rise to a whole stream of thoughts and how to meditate..

I am for now just glad i am able to keep my resolve to sit and walk for 30 minutes more and more consistently.

With Love
Eelco