Marc's practice notes

[marc]

RonCrouch
Nov 12 2011, 5:01 PM EST

I agree with JLaurelC - great reports, really sticking to just the facts without creating a lot of interpretation. Next time we chat I'll have a much better clue about what you're experiencing on the cushion.

Just a note: if the back pain is very bad you do not have to sit in a traditional posture or use a cushion on the floor. If you can maintain mindfulness and continue noting accurately, then sit in a comfy chair or even lay down (but not if you're tired).

Ron

[marc]

Nov 13 2011, 8:36 AM EST

Thanks for the encouragement, JLaurelC and Ron! About my back: the pain isn't unbearable or very bad; I think I'm also focusing on it more when I'm feeling restless and impatient, which makes it feel bigger than it actually is.

This morning I sat for 50 minutes (timer was set on 55 minutes).
Counted the breath for 10 minutes, spacing out alot, then tried to stay present with the breath without counting, still wandering off alot and getting lost in thoughts. Nevertheless, I was feeling pretty calm.
Started noting, noticed many thoughts, some wandering off, tension in my back, pressure in my legs, mapping thoughts. I opened my eyes for about a minute and saw the white wall flickering, and when I closed my eyes again, I still saw a bit of flickering. I felt some very fine vibrations in my body, and wondered if I just imagined this (still I'm not sure...). Again noticed mapping thoughts, interpreting, doubting, mental and physical restlessness, boredom, impatience. Feelings of restlessness and impatience stayed until I looked at the timer; I saw I had 5 minutes left and decided to get up. Felt disappointed for not just waiting for the bell to ring.

[marc]

Nov 14 2011, 4:01 AM EST | Post edited: Nov 14 2011, 7:50 AM EST

Sat 55 minutes this morning. First counted the breath, then kept focused on the breath without counting. Had a lot of thoughts, but was pretty concentrated at the same time.
Started noting. Still I noticed lots of thoughts, a lot of them accompanied by 'visual thinking' (remembering and imagining). Felt some tension in my upper body and a few muscle twitches in the chest and shoulder area.
Sooner than normally I noticed waves of goosebump-like tingling vibrations, which stayed longer than usual, and came back more often than usual. This felt pleasant. Tension in my back and pressure in my legs and butt were almost entirely absent during these vibration waves. Still my mind was pretty scattered. Also seeing some fine flickering, but not much.
The tingling subsided, and then I was feeling a bit cold for a short time, without much other sensations. I noticed some minor tingling sensations, and then the familiar restlessness, impatience, wanting to move, and waiting for the bell. I also felt some pressure in the back of my head and my neck, and tension and pressure in my chest/upper back. I tightened my body a bit and moved my head slightly, and after that kept my body still, while staying aware of the restlessness. When the bell rang, I felt surprised, because I didn't expect it yet, felt relieved, and got up.

I noticed during this sit that I'm a bit sissatisfied with the speed of my noting. It's not very consistent; sometimes I space out for a short time, and sometimes I'm still aware of sensations, but simply not noting explicitly. I'll try to stay aware of any judging thoughts about this and to constistently keep noting.

[marc]

Nov 15 2011, 6:05 AM EST

55 minutes sit this morning. Counted the breath first, had many thoughts, didn't feel very concentrated. After about 15 minutes I saw flickering and moving lights. Started noting and kept seeing this for a while. Still a lot of thinking, many mental images, imagining situations. Noticed a few waves of tingling throughout the whole sit. These waves felt pleasant , but didn't last long.
I heard some sounds, noticed interpreting/recognizing these sounds. Also noticed planning, hoping.
I felt tension/pain in my back, first at different places, but eventually just one spot in the middle of my back remained. One moment this tension turned broke up into fine vibrations, which felt very pleasant and interesting.
I started feeling restless, and noticed that when this started, my back pain immediately intensified. Noticed impatience, urge to move, wondering about the time, moving my upper body slightly back and forth, after which I still felt restless. Just when I wanted to change my position, the bell rang.

A few times I noticed that I had kind of stopped noting, and after realizing this, I naturally began noting again. Had a few moments of spacing out / riding a thought train without being aware of it.

[marc]

Nov 16 2011, 4:19 AM EST

Sat 50 minutes this morning. Pretty typical sit. First counted the breath for 10-15 minutes, felt pretty concentrated.
Started noting. Noticed a lot of thinking and remembering. Felt some waves of tingling through my upperbody and some mild vibrations. Saw some flickering lights, just a few times.
The usual restlessnes and impatience, accompanied by growing back ache and urge to move or get up. Eventually I changed my position. Then I became very aware of all the sound that reached me; everything I heard had a pulsing and kind of vibrating quality.
I got up 5 minutes before the timer went off.

[marc]

Nov 17 2011, 5:42 AM EST

45 min. sit this morning, most of the time really absent minded. Counted the breath for 10-15 minutes. Thinking a lot, and I didn't feel very concentrated.
I started noting: still many thoughts, wandering off a lot. Spaced out several times, forgetting to keep noting. During the whole sit I had many images from last night in my mind, remembering conversations and re-living situations.
A few minor tingling waves.
Changed my position after about 30 minutes because of back aches. Noticed many itches. I was feeling just a bit restless and impatient, but mostly just bored.
I don't feel enthousiastic about meditating lately, I guess my motivation is a bit less because it's not progressing as fast as I'd like. But I'll keep going...

[marc]

Nov 17 2011, 4:12 PM EST

Just meditated, don't know how long, probably 45 minutes.
Counted the breath for a pretty long time, then kept focusing on the breath. Felt really concentrated. Then started noting.
Noting felt quite accurate, but it seemed like I had less mental and physical input than usual. Sometimes I felt like I was spacing out, but I wasn't, because I was still noting whatever was occurring.
Thought about today, noticed some guilt and shame for not having studied enough today, self-judgement, smiling. Felt one pretty intense itch at my eye, which felt very annoying, and eventually disappeared.
I noticed that my arms and hands had started to feel very heavy and solid (sort of a statue-like feeling, which I hadn't experienced for a long time): this felt really pleasant in a strange way. After about 5 minutes the heaviness dissolved into very fine and subtle vibrations.
I didn't experience any waves of tingling or flickering lights, which is unusual. All in all it was a very different sit. This made me wonder about the stages; I tried not to hold on to these 'mapping thoughts'.

[marc]

Nov 18 2011, 4:12 AM EST

Sat 50 minutes this morning.
Concentrated on the breath for about 15 minutes. Felt moderately concentrated.
Started noting. Noticed a lot of thoughts, remembering situations, and imagining situations.
Noticed a few minor waves of tingling, but this time they felt more like chills. I also felt a bit cold during the entire sit. It was colder than usual in my sitting place, so that could be the cause of the chilly feeling.
I forgot to note many times, feeling semi-spaced out. Didn't feel really compelled to note intensively. The last part of the sit I mostly noted boredom.
I didn't have any back aches during this sit, which surprised me. Also much less restlessness and impatience.

[marc]

Ron Crouch
Nov 18 2011, 10:20 AM EST

Hang in there and don't stop, I suspect that you are getting to a place on the path where spacing out and boredom, along with a sense that "it just isn't working" or "I'm not doing it right" is a normal experience. This will change as time goes on and you will find things to challenging in a new way. Let's chat soon!

[marc]

JLaurelC
Nov 18 2011, 2:01 PM EST

Yes; I notice that as soon as I get semi-accustomed to a pattern it shifts into something else. Or else I think I'm "done" with a certain pattern and then it comes back again. As for motivation: mine comes and goes, and I guess the trick is to do it anyway. Sometimes I'm more successful with that approach than at other times (I'm about to post a complaint to that effect on my own thread!). I keep telling myself that the only way to make any progress is keep at it! You really have a lot of good practice sessions here.