Opera's prelude

[Opera]

Three months already, huh!! I would have guessed one or one and a half.

This summer's been unusual and good. Last 3 weeks not so much.

After I stopped posting, I had two more sits.
This week,
1°) I sat 15mn on the cushion, mostly calm and peaceful; some mental chatter of course but no negativity towards it.
2°) I lied down 15mn. Again, some calmness but also some chatter leading to impatience: twice, I caught myself on the brink of getting up unexpectedly, coming out from a train of thought, which was stopped just as some muscles were starting to flex.
3°) Tonight, 30mn on the cushion. First part was ok but monkey mind crept in more and more. After about 15mn, the body got stiff and calm, so was the mind. Some pleasurable sensations linked to this, especially if I allowed somewhat unnatural eye movements inside up inside the globes, and the brain sensations that come with them (instead of relaxing muscles all over the body, which would cancel everything at first). The head cleared up. After 5mn, a similar pattern repeated: more calmness came but with a stiffer body and mind, and if I stayed with it, it went a bit deeper but somehow what felt right was re-straightening the body and get back to noting.

I'm getting more and more busy and I'm afraid that, if I sit regularly, I won't have much time left for anything else!
Which would be fine, as long as there's no avoidance strategy thrown into it, which I'm not sure of.

[Opera]

Monday, 23rd: 20 minutes

Conclusion: I think it takes about 15mn to settle the body and mind. So I'll try to sit for longer periods.

Description: The first 10-15mn were a series of mental chatters interrupted by stiffness in the the chest and belly muscles. I breathed through the mouse (instead of though the nose) for ~10mn (just like this week-end in fact).
My posture was more erect and active than this week-end. Effect: maybe I settled slightly quicker (I'm not even sure of that), but I the uncomfortable body sensations were more present.

Other thoughts about practice:
Sometimes I think that I should practice as Nick did at some point: kasina practice for 15mn and then shoot aliens for the rest of the sit.
Some other times, more gentle practice like Kenneth's one-note-every-two-or-three-seconds is more appealing.
Or take up MuMuMuWu's offer.

Post-it: the first proximate goal is to establish a daily sitting practice: it should help reach SE and trod a path.

[Opera]

I was sure I had reported Tuesday's sit! Oh well, I guess I previewed it instead of submitting it. Here's what I recall:


Tuesday, September 24th: 30mn.

I started by counting the breath. It was pretty ok, I didn't miss many breaths, but between them I was noticing plenty of thoughts.
So, when I stopped counting the breath, for a while I would just get lost in thoughts.
The posture was quite erect and adjusting it regularly brought more comfort, as it's supposed to.
As in every sit since the end of the long "summer break", at some point I felt the pulse (of blood) through the lower 'bones' of the skull.

Overall I didn't get much calmer after ~15mn, I got impatient after about 20mn, almost got up, and the end of the sit was a mix of impatience and short calmer phases.



Yesterday, I went home late and tired, so I didn't sit.



Thursday, 25th: 35mn.

This time counting the breath didn't work. At first, in-between breaths I noticed again tons of quick thoughts, which eventually led to missing a few breath, which eventually led to missing more than a few breaths!! The other, and in fact dominant, scenario, was to find the myriads of body sensations much more interesting than the breaths, but I couldn't keep a general awareness on them, and if I focused on one then another, eventually I got lost in thought.

Basically, there was no continuity of attention during the sit.

When the posture was 'slouching' (?), I tried to let it as it was, to see if it would lead to interesting results, and of course it didn't not, a vertical spine is advised for a reason. I'm feeling like a total beginner all over again.

When the head starts spinning and there is tension building in the muscles encircling the eye globes, can it lead to interesting results?


I got impatient, not restless, in the last 5mn. I was more relaxed about the many failures (as I think of them) of the sit, and concentrating anew felt refreshing, relaxing.
I still can't physically relax tense muscles (around the spine for instance) though. Facial muscles are much easier to let go of. After the first few dozens counts, counting the breath didn't disturb them.


I still think MUCH too much. Hard to just be in the moment, not washed over by swirling or obsessing thoughts. So I'm too far removed from basic sensations (other than thoughts).
"Deliver us from Stuff!"
Or rather, Keep striving

[Bill29ish]

"I still think MUCH too much. Hard to just be in the moment, not washed over by swirling or obsessing thoughts. So I'm too far removed from basic sensations (other than thoughts)."

Hi Opera,

Isn't this itself a thought? If conceptualizing/thinking/ideas are a problem than how can you invest in the one above? I empathize though.

But yo, what I really wanted to ask is what the picture is by your user name? I can't see it well, but it looks beautiful.

Metta,
Bill

[Opera]

Saturday, 28th: 25mn
I tried to note with the most usual method: breath is the anchor, note anything that takes over the center stage and return to the breath once it's gone.
It did not improve things, but at least, thanks to Bill, I was less judgmental about myself when I came mental wanderings.

[Opera]

"I still think MUCH too much. Hard to just be in the moment, not washed over by swirling or obsessing thoughts. So I'm too far removed from basic sensations (other than thoughts)."

Hi Opera,

Isn't this itself a thought? If conceptualizing/thinking/ideas are a problem than how can you invest in the one above? I empathize though.

Hmm, thank you.
I'll let thoughts be, in a more detached way. Taking in the phenomena for whatever it is, and leaving the content aside. During sits, at least (since I disconnect them from the rest of my life).

But yo, what I really wanted to ask is what the picture is by your user name? I can't see it well, but it looks beautiful.

It's a Japanese Ukiyo-e from Hiroshige, 'Fireworks at Ryogoku Bridge'.

The first time I saw it, it was small too. In the top right corner, I thought it was birds. I would picture the white streak as a meteoritic self, arising, sharing with fellow travellers and then passing away, back to the ground from which a 'witness' was contemplating its own trajectory.

When I learnt they were in fact fireworks, it evoked bliss-out experiences, ligthing-bulb insights, taking height from pre- self-discovery worldview, and then, coming back down to the markeplace, or to the laundry, albeit upon which a different light had been shed, once the path had been ignited.

...


Ukiyo-e are woodcut prints, hence colors & shades can vary:
https://www.google.fr/search?as_st=y&tb ... &tbs=isz:l
https://www.google.fr/search?espv=210&e ... 1%E7%81%AB

[Opera]

Sunday, 29th, 20mn (I was interrupted):

More sounds and lights than usual, some heat and lots of muscle tensions if I stopped to notice them. Little continuity of attention, 'slices' no more than 5mn-long I think.

The belly was, again, pretty solid and it was not comfortable, as usual. So, my anchor is not neutral.

[Bill29ish]

Hey: Thank you. And thanks for the links. I think I'd like to order one for the house.
Regarding thoughts, work in whatever way allows you to be most open to your experience, but my experience is that judging thoughts is self-defeating, as well as illogical in a funny way. Or irritating way;)

Bill

[Opera]

Monday, 30th, 20mn, lying down after waking up
First ten minutes spent counting the breath, with good consistency. Next ten minutes: stopped counting; during the last 5mn I often got lost in thoughts.

Monday, 30th, 30mn, lying down before sleep
First ten minutes spent counting the breath, with good consistency, up to 100 instead of up to 10. Next ~5mn: stopped counting, then I fell into torpor until a couple of minutes before the bell.

Tuesday, October 1st, 25mn
I freaked out during this sit:

At first, it took me about 2mn to realize that I had sit down to meditate. Instead of counting the breath or of taking it as anchor, I decided to pay attention to whatever was coming up, since there was a lot, sights, sounds, tensions, thoughts.
Thoughts were not considered as disturbances from my noting: they would not take over the mind, and instead their content 'flew off the caption' as if blown gently away by the wind, and once empty, the 'caption' would leave too.
It felt nice, like a little insight. Well, some thoughts were still sticky, for instance: is it time to note the feeling tone of thoughts in my practice? As one way to disembed from the fact that the content of most of them -and, until the previous sit, my relationship to their rising- was negative.
The pleasure gotten from observing thoughts pass away as almost any other sensation continued for a while; then my posture felt a bit tense, tension rose in the belly and the chest, with contractions at the level of the eyes and things in the brain, nothing unusual. The pain in the chest increased, like if the heart was under heavy pressure. It had happened several times already in my sits early this summer. I decided not to intervene. But the pain and the pounding located at the heart increased in intensity to a level that panicked me, and I interrupted the sit abruptly (about 5mn before the bell).
Next, in the kitchen I had a slight nausea but did not vomit, then my head started spinning so I got on the ground to prevent from falling down/passing out. I didn't stay on my knees long though, maybe 20 seconds. Then I recovered pretty quickly.
But it reminded of a little bad trip I had say 5 years ago, from smoking hash (which I was not accustomed to anymore) with the usual accompanying alcool, in a little party at a friend's; I didn't feel well and passed out, and I got anxious enough to actually ask the firemen (here they can suppleate Emergency doctors for such things) to come over check me out!! I slept at this friend's place and noticed very erratic heart rythm, and started to anguish 'oh my god should i go to the hospital probably for nothing but strong anxiety, or should i risk dying of a heart attack in my sleep', that kind of thing, till dawn.

Soooo, yesterday, I had a frightening physical experience during a sit, and I'm wondering: is this kind of symptom common or not (among meditators in the early stages)?
I don't have any known cardiac pathology, but I ve fell unconscious on occasions (like, around 7 times), often because of hypoglycemia, or strong skull massage!

[Bill29ish]

Good to see you are getting results from your practice and that thinking is becoming more objective. I have had experiences of serious anxiety while meditating with somewhat similar symptoms, but not to the level you are describing.