Giulio B. pre-practice journal

[Russell]

Wow Giulio, this sounds like great progress. (even though it may not feel like it) Seeing that aversion, sticking with it, and noting it is the name of the game. Good work. Keep up the momentum!

[Giulio B.]

Seeing that aversion, sticking with it, and noting it is the name of the game. Good work. Keep up the momentum!

Thank you.

This is a special post (out of the weekly report program): I'm about to note for 30 minutes, I'm feeling some aversion towards it, and this is how it is:

It seems the fear arises out of memories of past experiences with noting. Images of me short of breath, lips dry, feeling hot all over and somewhat aching are glancing here and there. There are thoughts that say "I'm f*ed", "Negative emotions/phenomena cannot be prevented or stopped so what's the point", *fear of failing at this/ of being too f* up to be ever able to succeed in meditation" etc. No I've learned that I don't have to believe these things. Again thoughts about being "hopelessly messed up". Again. Noting randomly and *frustration because "this is not deep at all"*. *Sadness because "bad stuff is essentially unavoidable". A slight self-recrimination: "I should think more positively". A similar one: "I'm not even able to sort this out!". Worry because of a complex cause, that manifests as a repetitive pattern however. Thought: "I'm blocked in a maze! the same stuff comes up over and over!". Among other phenomena, a split-second emotion arose... I can't remember it anymore. Aversion is building up because of this. Aching. Getting nervous because of aching. Complex (known) fears.

It looks like that thought is constantly seeking a way out, and when it says that there isn't any, there emotions come to strike. It looks like aching (of the spinal column) is making split-second thoughts and images to arise, and these are projected to the future ("will I feel aching forever?"), and this tastes like "I don't want to decay!". Now worries about real-life duties. Tension. Heat. Doubt whether to note "aching". "I'm messed up". *Not wanting to write down irrelevant notes*. *Frustration because you can't modify the world". Fears. Thought: "Aching/tension is mounting up, in a minute i'll snap". Verbal thoughts. Fears. Images representing decay. A very repetitive fear, somewhat complex and embarassing. "I said 'somewhat' to many times" -> embarassment -> self-bashing -> embarassment. Image representing decay. Thought: "I'm f*". "I'm going to snap in a short time". *Guilt* for imaging the snap. A social-oriented emotion. Specific fear. Thoughts that try to justify the situation. Conflicting thoughts. Thought again. Again: "this is useless". Judgement -> frustration because "I note a lot of 'judgment', but nothing changes!". "This is crazy". Curiosity arising. Emotions, thoughts, frustration. Thoughts. I'd like to say a "fuck you" to my own mind.

Ok I'm going now.

Update.
Done, what happened: more or less the same stuff as above. I noted calmly and slowly, on purpose. It worked better. Thoughts and thoughts and thoughts... saying crazy things, all sort of things. Tomorrow evening is the next appointment.

[Ona]

I used to find spiders so loathsome I couldn't even stand to look at a photo of one. But even something as revolting as a spider is actually quite a fascinating creature if you study it closely. They have iridescent eyes, multi-colored hairs, they can spring and jump in amazing ways, they shoot webbing out of their bodies (which is just bafflingly miraculous, if you ask me), and the way they hunt and catch things is really clever. You have a fascinating set of mental experiences to study. Even if they feel unpleasant, they are really interesting! They will be less unpleasant, eventually, as you become more fascinated by the incredible workings of the human mind.

[Russell]

Boo!

[Giulio B.]

I used to find spiders so loathsome I couldn't even stand to look at a photo of one. But even something as revolting as a spider is actually quite a fascinating creature if you study it closely. They have iridescent eyes, multi-colored hairs, they can spring and jump in amazing ways, they shoot webbing out of their bodies (which is just bafflingly miraculous, if you ask me), and the way they hunt and catch things is really clever. You have a fascinating set of mental experiences to study. Even if they feel unpleasant, they are really interesting! They will be less unpleasant, eventually, as you become more fascinated by the incredible workings of the human mind.

Thank you O. All I can say is that I'm keeping the 30-minutes/day on for sure. And they'll be serious as they've been up to now (as much as I can afford...). For what concerns everything else I'm coping as usual.

Just wanted to say a thing: some gentle persons have asked if I were on therapy of some kind. The answer is no, because I've been in therapy since I was a child, just with the wrong people (in relation to me...) and got somewhat demotivated. Two psychologists and three psychiatrist in total. Some were very deluded (two of them, to whom I was sent by my parents, were hardcore psychoanalists...), scared, all of them powerless in front of me. I swear it's not me, it's that at least in Italy good therapist are VERY hard to find, and therapist who would at least understand me when I say "to me it's about to completely uproot suffering" or similar (without attempting to quote anything of dharma/buddhism) is around impossible. I've asked to two T. certificated for MBCT/MBSRT (among the very few in all Italy), one said no and the other wasn't good. Again I think I'm not deluding myself in giving these judgement. It could not be their fault though, the stuff I have inside is quite hard to handle and some of them could be successful with easier people anyway. I'm also not on any antidepressant (putting the holy herb aside for the moment lol). Honestly I'd like to start seeing a T. again and start with psychopharmaceuticals again but for the said reasons this could not be feasible. That's it.

"Weekly report":
From Sunday June 30, I've practiced noting aloud every day before dinner for 30 minutes, but two days on a row (I had somewhat urgent matters, feel justified ). About the actual thing, nothing to report as of now (not quite in the mood ). It's been a solid month anyways and I'm satisfied of it, actually I could accomplish this extent of regular practice time just once in the past 5 years. The actual schedule is more solid than ever. High-aversion states no longer stop me. Absolutely keeping this going, time will pheraps show more stuff. I'm seeing Kenneth every 2-3 weeks. Finally, i'm arranging to buy a good back brace (in pheraps a few weeks) so i will be able to attend retreats.

[Giulio B.]

Occasional report:

This evening I have had that "sinking in the chair" perceptual distortion again, just more intense. It was a little like tripping (funny and attachment/desire to have more was there). The noting (aloud) was relaxed, but phenomena were well caught. Fears/worries that were fastly recognized did much less damage, and I typically would laugh after such an episode. High-suffering charged moments sort of alternate with these, but i have felt a little more equanimity towards them, for this session only and as an average - "bottomless" pits arise frequently.

A very good step i should be taking next is to add other 30 minutes in the morning, which I'm sure would make a huge difference. My mind is not too ready yet though, since a couple of years ago I was and still am not able to get up in the morning before 10 a.m. without having major duties/appointments to force me to do it. I think that in some time the evening practice could unlock something, that will make me to get up in time in the mornings to double the dose. I think that this could happen in 2-3 months.

[Giulio B.]

Weekly report (only 4-days to re-establish the sunday-reporting routine):

I've skipped one appointment (had an important exam the following day, so it's ok) and aborted one at 20 minutes (instead of the usual 30 minutes, that time too i had an exam the following day and was litterally sleeping on the chair). The other two sessions went correctly.

Today's one:

Routine, lots of fears and aversions to begin with but they got noted and were no major problem. After a couple of minutes when the rhythm set in, the initial fears (of failing the session, mainly) subsided to be taken over by the normal noting-time baseline. Noting was good, i once distinctly felt the lack of control, began sleeping on the chair the last 10-15 minutes though, while in the last 5 minutes i was literaly dreaming and once in a while bounced up to discover "oh i should be noting...". The momentum is very nice, mind's a little less, but absolutely continuing this. Now I think this is my all-time record for what concerns regular practice.

My external life is getting better too (and so the internal too a little), I managed to terminate two major anxiety sources (pertaining to my education / duties).

Next report this sunday.

Thank you to everyone.

[Dan G]

Giulio,

This sounds like really great progress. Fear was (and still is in different ways) a big thing for me. For me it felt like my equanimity "muscle" kept getting stronger with each sit and allowed me to just watch it. Keep up the good work.

Dan

[Giulio B.]

Thank you Dan.

I'm now experiencing some entertaining neck pain/headache with all the rest, just wanted to say that I'm going into the ******* meditation room and do the job as it should be done (saying this publicly makes me feel better).

Update one the former:

- Noting was above the surface (of worthiness) for about 15-20 minutes, then gradually dropped below that point. At 29 minutes i gave up, looked at the clock and saw only 1 minute was left, so for the sake of self-satisfaction resumed and then the bell rang.

- What was there in the "above the surface" phase:
Heat, headache (compounded of 1 main sensation + a few secondary), neckpain (peculiar sensation with shared qualities with respect to the headache, in fact the boundary between the two seemed a little ragged for how much similar they were), some very intense suffering-charged stuff, hopelessness, two laughs, aversion to verbalize aloud (i guess due to the lack of energy for the ill-like state), lots of judgements and general thoughts (considerations, plannings, imaging/images, verbalizations [mostly untold/anticipated notes when my lungs were deflated], self references), worries, nausea, high resistance to do the thing.

- What was there in the "below the surface" phase:
I was at a sort of boiling point (and effectively gave up in the end), so basically sleepiness, aversions to most sensations, resistance etc.

It comes in mind that I should start some kind of non formal practice during the day. Doing only formal noting could get me stuck, considering that I'm usually not in the best conditions. Also comes in mind that in peculiar situations like the one described above (suffering-ridden, let's say) a different approach than general noting might be better. I know about the single parameter evaluation, the next time i'm going to try that for aversion.

Next appointment today at 19.

[Giulio B.]

A report for today.

I returned to the gym after a few months and so this evening I was a little more energetic than usual.

How did the session go: some profound pits of sadness, hopelessness et c., but surprisingly noting was good. O.k. precision and "catching it", I'm now somewhat accustomed to this superficial level of the mind. It works like this: sensation --> unpleasantness --> (fast) aversion --> hopelessness/images or verbalizations about --> sadness --> other things (usually judgements, various types of thought (foreseeings, plannings, considerations, speculations, self-references), --> cycle re-starts. Every phase of the cycle may be interrupted by neutral physical sensations (usually dryness of the lips, pressure, hearing, seeing, pulsing). This is not really precise (it is a draft), but I believe there are major repeating patterns with some variations, so this cycle thing has some foundation.

I don't know what will happend next, I'm sticking with this though.

This evening out of formal practice I'm going to do a little exercise, maybe just for fun, and see how much various kind of phenomena last with a chronometer.