Giulio B. pre-practice journal

[limbic]

Can you give a concrete example? Such as if you feel an itching sensation on your left knee, noting "itching" seems in doubt? or is the doubt about what to note not related to physical sensations but only to mental activity, such as not being sure if you should note "doubt" or "annoyed" or "impatient" etc because it isn't clear what you are feeling without thinking about it a lot (by which point the moment is gone)?

Yeah, it is about the mental activity I think. What you described makes for a pace of meditation that has difficulty apprehending the kernel of the sensations. At least in my experience, it was disempowering. I would have to have decide confidence in what I'm doing in a general way, that my sits would eventually build up.

And I think one way to help is physical practices, but by "physical practices" I mean meditation with those activities. For instance with me I have a tendency to be very tense. I've been doing a fair bit of yoga, but the challenge isn't just doing yoga. It's more like being able to keep up consistency in my meditation and body awareness while doing yoga, and in the process my meditation, or just awareness of consistency in the body from moment to moment, deals with my tendency to be aversive and contractive from doing two things at once on a physical level.

I have to go right now but I'll write more later

[Giulio B.]

Thanks again for everybody intervening.

A little change of plans:

Instead of adding another 30' of noting in the morning, I'll start doing 45' minutes every evening from 6 p.m. to 6:45 p.m. starting from monday, 12 august. The first 30 minutes will consist in sitting like always, then I'll get up and do walking. The most important point will be not to discontinue the noting (a note every 1-3 seconds), and not stopping the whole thing whatever happens.

There is another little problem (alluding that the above isn't going to be exactly pleasant but lol, what has to be done...) that is *noticing/noting* in daily life. Kenneth recommended artificially starting it (not relaxing into thinking it would eventually become a natural expansion of formal practice - it would require too much time, depressed time), being particularly watchful for *rumination* and *worry*. Daytime (non formal) "practice" is instinctually perceived as scary. I don't know why (in this very statement there is a failure in trying to conceptualize). It is a fact that there is something very scary about it anyway. I've noted "scary" right now. Ok the starting poiny could be to remind myself that there's this exercise once in a while (completely forgetting about it is an issue too).

This last point is not something I should continuously postpone... yes because that is the natural attitude...

I'll update again monday after the first session.

(Extemporary update)
Little discovery: I don't have to be *not worried*. I can STAY worried. I can stay fearful. That I have to be *not this* is an assumption I had all along and didn't recognize. Although many people mentioned it, i never really understood it because I didn't notice it in myself, seeing the process, finding its meaning (for the sake of transparency, the credit goes to m.j. - "creative mode" ). I'll probably lose it by tomorrow, though (retaining the concept, but losing the sight of what it's pointing to).

(Extemporary update 2)
About the previous question, "what is scary"? The disliking quality hidden in phenomena. In fear and worry, particularly. So do ALL fenomena come with a grade of liking *themselves*? Apparently yes...

[Ona]

I'd suggest there *may* be a relationship between extemporary updates 1 & 2 - sometimes we are so familiar with the pattern of how we do things (even if it is unpleasant) that the thought of doing anything different is scary simply because it provides this: "What might happen?" which leads to "I don't know!"

I mean, what if you weren't - at some unexpected moment - worried? Then what????

[Giulio B.]

I'd suggest there *may* be a relationship between extemporary updates 1 & 2 - sometimes we are so familiar with the pattern of how we do things (even if it is unpleasant) that the thought of doing anything different is scary simply because it provides this: "What might happen?" which leads to "I don't know!"

I mean, what if you weren't - at some unexpected moment - worried? Then what????

This is somewhat difficult to catch, even if there is some intuitive grasping of it. Thank you.

Update:

"Practice in daily life" is not working. I mean that It's not going on at all. If It keeps like this it'll end up that weeks will pass and I'll find myself having done nothing. So I thought that I could add a little discipline in there too. So to begin with the plan is: silent noting (1-3 notes/s) is mandatory at the times I walk outside (to go for lunch and back, to the library and back, to the adjacent building and back). Not on the insides of any building. If there is exasperation i shall continue to note "exasperation, exasperation, exasperation et c.".

It also comes in mind that, probably, in the future I will have to rely on daily (non formal) practice more than formal, so a little at a time It's best to forcibly start.

Yet another thing: some of the problems derive from the fact that I have a (somewhat) skeletal vocabulary, and so noticing phenomena that can't be appropriately named starts off a chain reaction of frustration, *sense of failing*, self-judgments, culminating with hopelessness and giving raise to aversion to noting again (talking about the next note). I shall sort these blocking things out more accurately, perhaps reserving a noting time in which I don't note as it classically should be done, but actively think about which note would be best to give to a particular phenomena (so to settle this matter once and for all). This will be a lot of fun because it's my type of thing. I'll think about a daily time to do this in a few days (I'm overloaded right now).

Update: It's partially working. So I'll continue with the plan. (the 'partially' lies in the fact that, after a while, it's really tiring...)

[limbic]

I had the same problem for a while with thinking that my notes were too narrow, my vocabulary too rudimentary. I think the best thing to do is forget about it. I think what would have helped me is trying to develop an ability to physically relax. when the body is relaxed, emotions come more clearly and in greater variety.

I was in an irritated state from which it was difficult to slow down and I think it hindered the range of things I could note. I would suggest it could be good to you to develop an interest in trying to feel relaxed in your body, even if it's just the thought occurring to you a couple times throughout the day. when the thought occurs, try feeling your posture for ten seconds and see if relaxing into your posture makes any adjustments to it that might feel good. maybe take a seat for a moment and see what happens, see if you can relax your jaw and shoulders. it doesn't matter if its only 20 seconds at first, but I think inclining your mind to the possibility of relaxation is probably a good thing. try to give space to any tension or irritation in your experience - give those things extra space to flow into and dissolve. so if there's a tension in the neck, try feeling it in association with your upper back and shoulders too

[Giulio B.]

I had the same problem for a while with thinking that my notes were too narrow, my vocabulary too rudimentary. I think the best thing to do is forget about it. I think what would have helped me is trying to develop an ability to physically relax. when the body is relaxed, emotions come more clearly and in greater variety.

I was in an irritated state from which it was difficult to slow down and I think it hindered the range of things I could note. I would suggest it could be good to you to develop an interest in trying to feel relaxed in your body, even if it's just the thought occurring to you a couple times throughout the day. when the thought occurs, try feeling your posture for ten seconds and see if relaxing into your posture makes any adjustments to it that might feel good. maybe take a seat for a moment and see what happens, see if you can relax your jaw and shoulders. it doesn't matter if its only 20 seconds at first, but I think inclining your mind to the possibility of relaxation is probably a good thing. try to give space to any tension or irritation in your experience - give those things extra space to flow into and dissolve. so if there's a tension in the neck, try feeling it in association with your upper back and shoulders too

Thank you L.
I'll stop thinking about it now, and tomorrow see what it's like.

Addendum: Today and yesterday I got up very late in the morning, and both the evenings I was practically sleeping and feeling no energy (in meditation too). So I'm going to go to sleep quite early this night and tomorrow get up no later than 8.00 am (including the sofa), if not, I'm NOT going to do any meditation during the day both formal and non. Saying this publicly so later I can report.

Little update:

A few depressive thoughts (more or less in a row) were recognized, naturally. Interesting. I can tell it almost never happens.

[Giulio B.]

- I was successful in getting up at 8.00 am. I'll continue with this (infrangibile) rule then, "If I get up (including sofa) later than 8.00 am, then there will be no meditation whatsoever that day". This will also oblige me to go to sleep at reasonable times.

- Today I have done for the first time the 45' noting, compounded of 30' of sitting plus 15' of walking, without interruption in the noting rhythm between the two. I slowed down the noting to (I think) a 1 note/3 seconds to begin with, because I was somewhat stressed and resistant to the job. The walking meditation was fast, I mean that I walked in circles in my room at almost "leisure walking" speeds, simply noting what was there whatever it was. Most of the notes at this phase have been "worry", "sense of failure", "guilt", "fear". It was somewhat awkward but not that hard. In fact the change of posture was a relief.

- For what concerns non-formal practice, i didn't have occasions to walk outside (used the bike to move today), while yesterday I mostly forgot, and when I remembered I was too depressed/lacked energy to do anything at all. So nothing. The rule stays there anyways, noting mandatory during the times I walk outside.

- I started with venlafaxine (an antidepressant) two weeks ago and I'm climbing up to a relatively high dose (thinking about 225 mg/day), at which I'll stop and maintain it indefinitely.

[Giulio B.]

- Two months ago I said that I would have updated the diary on a weekly basis. Now I prefer to do it whenever I feel like...

- Continuing successfully with getting up at 8 am.

- It's the third time that I do the 30+15 minutes noting, and overall It's been 2 weeks of uninterrupted and 2 months of regular practice. Continuing like a train.

- Even when things are really messed up, I have the feeling that staying with aversion is good.

- I absolutely have to expand daily practice. I have the feeling that that will be the trick. Today I went out walking again (to lunch with my mother) but forgot to. After I send this message I'll print a paper to stick on the door saying something like "remember practicing in walking times".

- Opening a personal toolbox:

------------ Giulio's toolbox ----------------

- When feeling without energy, It's ok to switch to silent noting.
- It's more important to note precisely than fast.

[Ona]

Nice work.

[Giulio B.]

Thank you Ona.

- Saturday I skipped the 45 min session because of a stomachache. for the rest everything proceeded as set up.

- Noting during walking daytimes is becoming easier and less frustrating. The noticing muscle has probably grown a little. Noting in the formal setting is the same.

- I continued to get up at 8 o'clock without fail. Since it worked so well, and in this period I'm dangerously lagging with studies, I'll add a new condition: If on any given day excluded saturday and sunday I study less than 2 hours (reasonably net), then I can't practice in any form for that day. Starting from now.