Giulio B. pre-practice journal

[Giulio B.]

Today I failed at getting up in time, studying, and so practicing. All of that was "voluntary", and the cause is a video-game I got too attached too (used to be addicted, this is a little relapse/lesson after many years). It is absolutely destructive on me, so I uninstalled it and will never touch anything like that for the rest of my life.

This is the renewed "battleplan" (effective from tomorrow):

- 45 minutes of formal practice in the evening, starting at 6 p.m. precise.
- silent noting at the times I walk outside
- conditions: get up by 8.00 a.m., study 2 hours early in the morning at 9-11 and another 2 hours early in the afternoon at 2-4 (reasonably net time), with the exclusion of sundays. For the sake of completing the 4 hours/day, no different study times are allowed, with the only exception being if i'm travelling for a serious issue (I may entirely skip studying then). If any of the conditions isn't met, then no practice whatsoever is allowed that day. This is all.

The program stays until sunday 1 august. I promise to report any infraction.
(sorry if I use this place for my neurotic stuff, but it influences practice and needs to be taken care of)

[limbic]

Hey, I want float another possible provision for your practice life in response to the one you've imposed about not doing any practice should you miss studying. Since it seems you're invested in your practice, maybe instead of doing no practice at all should you not study, you could allot the extra time you had for sitting for a period of deliberately mindful studying

[Giulio B.]

Thank you very much limbic.

SO what I've been doing is trying to bind an unpleasant activity (study) with the fear of having to skip meditation. It worked incredibly well for the first times, but then the 'binding power' diminished and the method lost efficacy. It really can't work anymore so the plan is canceled . Very well! Honestly, I was very worried about an incoming deadline, and the worry left me very agitated, even unconsciously, and I wasn't in the conditions to study. Now I've settled that thing, so I'm more tranquil and very motivated.

This is what happened: monday i have skipped meditation (forcefully) because I didn't study. So it's 2 days missed in total. I've done the rest very happily. Won't happen again!

Limbic you really had a good idea. For now this method of conditioning one wanted thing to an unwanted exhausted its traction power though. I think I might re-apply it in the future, more intelligently as you put it.

Surprisingly, practice is becoming less stressful, and is somewhat slowly expanding (naturally - without any forcing of any kind) into some daily life activities. For example, I enjoy noting silently most of the times when I walk outside. The last night I was out to take a pizza home and I've noted all the time, sat waiting for it to be prepared, very naturally.

I'm noticing that I perform better in walking meditation than sitting meditation, furthermore, I can note very well during some daily life activities that don't require "processing power" (focused intelligence). I've also quit with loud noting and only do silent noting, because in the sitting position I assume, that is actually a very reclined one, the chest and diaphragm are a little compressed, so talking for half a hour can be a little tiring. Noting silently goes very well though.

"Mindful studying" seems to me to be both a concentration exercise and a vipassana one. The first is the 'return to the object' part, the second, perhaps, being aware of the aversions (and following thought chains) that pervade the mental life during the activity. I'l really have to look towards mindful studying... maybe with the aid of some notes.

[limbic]

well, it's good you're appreciating mindfulness in a general off cushion capacity. The narrow cushion only stuff can be like trying to purify water with a hammer

[Giulio B.]

Today's (30 sat + 15 walking, noting aloud):

- At about 10-15 minutes began experiencing a recurring perceptual distortion: "sinking" in the chair and blurred-enlarged field of vision. This time was intense and unpleasant. Actually at other times it was quite pleasant, this time NOT. I started worrying at a time that not enough blood was flowing into my brain. Not many distractions though, noting was fairly good. It worsened a little bit when the most intense unpleasantness kicked in. It was in the form of... A coo-presence of having a heavy and difficult breathing, a kind of nausea and a light to moderate aching of the neck.
It increased in intensity as time passed. At the 30' alarm ring, I got up in the walking position (trying to note something, mostly "fear" during the transition) and the perceptual distorsion disappeared, the unpleasant feelings also reduced. While the first didn't return (it never appears during walking anyway), the compounded unpleasantness began escalating again to a point at which surpassed the peak of the previous one when I was sat. This was at the end of the 15' walking period. After 3-4 minutes the final (45') bell rang.

- I abolished the "thinking" note, because I considered it too general and too large an umbrella. It's not detailed noting. So I tried to break down what was the meaning the thoughts brought with them, and was quite successful in that.

- Kenneth told me to study the seven factors of enlightenment (I was found ignorant about them), to try some relaxation exercizes (also brief), and to dedicate some time to note only physical sensations to boost concentration. I have done nothing of it lol, furthermore quite a few meditations were done in "sleeping mode", two missed and the general momentum went down. I'm a little nervous because the next appointment it's thursday. So a little plan: Tomorrow morning I'll wake up by 8 o'clock, and before breakfast I'm going to do 10 minutes of homework #3 preceded by 5 minutes of #2.

- I use to end my meditations with a few seconds-long sequence of imprecations, just to cool everything down.


------- Giulio's Tool Box 2.0 -----------

- Both Loud and Silent noting are very valuable techniques. Usually you can assess which of the two at the beginning of the session basing on aversion and energy levels.
- It's extremely important to note detailed, not important to note fast. A note every 1 to 3 seconds is the ideal rhythm.
- Never start formal meditation without having previously rinsed your face and neck with cold water.
- Sleep deprivation or protracting sleep after 8 a.m. is calling for meditation failure. This also includes going to bed after 10.30 p.m.

[Giulio B.]

Today's:

I got up in time, done 15 minutes of relaxation + noting only physical sensations.

Noted nicely throughout some periods of the day.

By the late afternoon mood began to degrade, and a down cycle started. It highly impacted meditation (basically disrupted it). I began a hour late; there was a lot of drowsiness first, then straight sleeping/dreaming with sudden "wake ups" and then sleep again. Uncontrollable. Walking meditation was equally disrupted (quite rough noting, a lot of tension/agitation), but still noted as good as I could until the end. My routine is stable since months anyways and pretty much nothing can stop it anymore.

[Giulio B.]

Lots of sleepiness again. Although it was sunday and I got up after nine, it was too strong to be normal. I aborted the session at 30 minutes, renouncing to the further 15' of walking because I couldn't even manage to keep my eyes open. Sessions like that, apart from the discipline training, are practically good as not done.

Somebody said: "take care of your practice and it will take care of yourself". I think it is right and that I need to be proactive. Today I took 100 mg of Armodafinil (a drug that is generally given to narcoleptics), for studying too and let's see how it goes. If I still get sleepy tomorrow morning I'm going to move formal meditation in the morning.

[Giulio B.]

Today's:

Session beginning with the usual negative-to very negative stuff, then the usual perceptual distortion jumped in (feeling like a formula 1 driver accelerating to high speeds), and at this time it reached an extremely pleasant peak. I was literally bursting in happiness (looked like the peak of a very pleasant psychedelic trip...). It went down to some extent at the first bell, alternating an happiness afterglow with despair feelings (yes, quite extreme opposites). Walking meditation somewhat sucked, a lot of negative (also extreme) feelings ultil the very end, where i had a little happiness returning. Many laughs and humor (also when surrounded by negative phenomena). Armodafinil seems to have worked (probably) so I'll take it again. Ok so I think suicide is posponed. Joking.

[Giulio B.]

Flash-update:

Because of urgent work I have to do, and also to counter sleepiness, I'm re-scheduling formal meditation from late afteernoon to the morning. It will start at exactly 8.00 and end at 8.45 from tomorrow. If I see that It's going well, i might anticipate the starting time a little further. Thank you. Giulio.

[Ona]

Updates?