Giulio B. pre-practice journal

[Giulio B.]

Today's (impressions):

- Noting seems to be a little on the automated side, that is some notes are verbalized almost instantly and these are the physical sensations; for mind-states instead there is a little more time required for interpretation, so the noting lags a bit there.
- I fear that my recline posture could hinder my mindfullness and concentration to some extent. This is the chair: http://www.beachmall.com/media/img/beac ... _0669b.jpg
I keep my eyes always open, and to say the truth these kind of fears are noted (as "fear", "worry" or "concern") and would go under the practice of not escaping aversion... so I guess it's ok... Without a brace i can't do any better though for now (i should be getting one within this september).

Starting from tomorrow morning I'm going to do 10 minutes of "texting" (at a table) at 8.30 am, in addition to the 30 minutes of noting in the evening. This is a more relaxing activity, that would also assist in getting out the bed. So it's decided, tomorrow 10 minutes at 8.30 or death.

[Ona]

Sounds like you're getting some traction and determination in your practice! Posture doesn't really matter that much, in the scheme of things. If the chair is working, use it!

[Giulio B.]

Sounds like you're getting some traction and determination in your practice! Posture doesn't really matter that much, in the scheme of things. If the chair is working, use it!

Thank you, yes and this morning has been a success too (done what I planned at 9.40 instead of 8.30 but did it).

Today's another 30 minutes of, basically, staying with aversions. Very good overall.

Tomorrow morning same schedule, at 8.30 10 minutes of 'texting'.

I'll be moving to England by the end of september for a few yesrs, and came in mind that there should be good therapists there, so that's quite a good prospect too.

Keeping the current schedule.

[Giulio B.]

Although I'm doing the noting exercise regularly (not skipping days), I'm losing "mental momentum". Basically I had a period in the past weeks where practice got somewhat exciting, because I felt I was noting quite well, and then it declined. Now I'm in "zombie mode", so just getting in the room and doing it without much interest other than wanting to hear the bell ring. The good part is that I'm very regular now (not so much with times...)

I'm not sure if this state of low motivation can be changed; probably not so this is it. I'm keeping the 30' up. For what concerns the morning 10' "texting", it has been aborted the past two days.

Plan: I want to stabilize the time schedule in order to meditate at 6 pm every day. If it'll be ok for exactly a month I'll be adding a second period in the morning of solid noting or other engaging practices (concentration, metta, et c.). But absolutely not before a month of precise uninterrupted practice starting at 6 pm. I can always do "texting" btw.

A note: I shall make an effort to note as exactly and precisely as I can, noting the current phenomena instead of cueing, remembering and noting them in a row in the desperate effort to tackle arising frustration.

Noting now starts in a few minutes.

[Russell]

Push through man. That's all you can do. I totally understand those 'zombie-like' modes where you just feel sluggish and you can't note as well. Let it happen. At least you are very aware it is happening. And despite how it feels, it is progress!

Keep it up!

[Giulio B.]

Thank you R. Now that I come off a session, the noting is still quite precise, perhaps as precise as the past "excitement" days, but it might be that this became the new baseline level to which I'm getting accustomed, and so it feels like a stale.

I uploaded this picture just to show how good I am at drawing.

[Ona]

I don't sit that regularly anymore, but when I do... it often follows more or less the same wave pattern. First I am settling in, then I'm settled in (which may or may not include some meditative state arising, or might just be just sitting there without any meditative state, it's kind of random), and then towards the end I sort of feel "the end" coming and depending on how long I've sat my leg might hurt a bit or I think "Oh, I'll make dinner now" or "I should have used my bench instead of sitting in this chair, because now my back hurts". And then it ends (sometimes I use a timer, sometimes I pray a rosary, which serves as a kind of timer in itself).

There have been times when I didn't want to sit, but sat anyway, and in those cases there was initial "Gah, I hate sitting" and then I kind of got into it, and then towards the end "yay, it's almost over, how much longer"?

So you aren't weird or anything.

[Giulio B.]

Thank you Ona.
For these three days I have noted for the usual 30 minutes at 6 pm as established, quite precisely. This morning I was feeling very well (perhaps started with finding myself recognizing mind states in the shower, it was funny), the afternoon the table completely turned over and the mood got pretty much as ****** up as it can get.
A strange thing is that i often laugh during noting, no matter if I'm wrecked or ok, some phenomena make me laugh. I think it happens when I predict the next mental formation, I'm not sure though, it has something to do with predictability anyway.

I'm counting on doing the full month precisely without skipping a day. I'll be travelling on a ferry tomorrow night, so for tomorrow noting is postponed at exactly 10.30 p.m.

[Giulio B.]

I'm actually in vacation, but I've kept the noting routine (with some stretches in schedule).

This afternoon I've had an amazing 2.5 hours down cycle, in which mood went so down that I have no words to describe. It began at around 17.20 and completely ceased at 20, both following a gradient. It would seem like the brain "bounced back" (after a severe serotonin/dopamine depletion, or whatever). I'll be drawing a graph when I have time...

When I return I'll organize myself with high-dose antidepressants and whatever thing direct and indirect I already have in mind. About the former I was resisting to them because they render psychedelics less effective, but at this point it makes no sense to keep abstaining. About the latter, determination has increased.

Anyway whatever happens, I'm doing 30 minutes of noting everyday until the flesh falls out of my bones. That "muscle" is going to be trained in any case, the state of mind doesn't matter as long as the actual exercise is done.

[limbic]

Hey, I'm happy you're continuing with your practice and its showing signs of activity.

The other day someone offered an observation that going for a walk in the middle of their sits sometimes leads to insights in seeing patterns that were happening during the sit but unrecognized.

I tried it a couple times since and it worked. Maybe you could consider adding that provision at the end of the 30 days of sitting at 6 too