Thitatto's practice blog

[thitatto]

1 hour of noting aloud today, and 20 min of walking meditation. Had some pretty strong anxiety going today. My whole being feels shaken up and my mind spins and spins looking for solutions when I feel like that. Was determined to stay with the body sensations of that state for the last sit, and at some point I could see the pleasantness of anxiety, like it has a positive aspect to it, like at least there is a lot happening in the body, the body isn't just dull, heavy and boring, and when I started to take an interest in the positive side of anxiety, the whole thing seemed to change into Equanimity (or perhaps it had already changed), and now I'm calm again. All the mental scenarios I have about the world is much more positive now, where as they have been really doomsday type of scenarios throughout pretty much the whole day. Interesting and still very surprising how there is such a clear shift.

[thitatto]

Meditated for 2,5 hour today. Just finished. Noting aloud, until concentration was doing itself, then I was staying with the vibrating light in my visual field, which became some unified vibrating whole. Back and forth between narrow focus, and wide focus. This is the deepest I've been into High Equanimity for at least a week. Don't know why this happens now, and not in weekends when I meditate much more, but it do actually seems like meditating too much creates a burnout feeling that takes the whole juice out of my meditation.

What I've done today is that I've been really determined to stay with unpleasant body sensations. I really really really do spend a lot of my daily life in the Dark Nights, and I really really really need to stay with the unpleasant body sensations in order to avoid spinning around looking for some "proxy life identity solution" that is going to give me something solid to hold on to.

I've seen deeply today how much I suffer all day long, every day, all week long, year round, year after year. Same old "looking for the proxy life identity solution" year after year after year.

So my task for tomorrow is to be really determined on staying mindful throughout the whole day.

[thitatto]

Meditated for 1,5 hour today. Didn't manage to stay as mindful throughout the day as I wanted to, probably because last nights success in meditation created so much enthusiasm in my system today that it was hard not to get carried away. One of my major challenges is to channel the energy I get from meditation back into meditation again, instead of using it to stir up a lot of social activity around myself.

[NickP]

Do you remember to be kind to yourself? That doesn't mean that you're giving yourself permission to slack off, but you don't need to beat yourself up when you realise you've been unmindful for a while.

Your mind will do what it will, and having it slip off to a thought chain is just another selfless (uncontrollable) phenomenon. Fighting it only creates suffering, whereas you can spend a lot of that energy you'd use to fight, on gently investigating your present experience.

Makes sense?

[thitatto]

Hey Nick! Thanks for your comments. Interesting that you ask these questions at this point. I've had your questions in my mind, and tried to chill down more. I don't think that I'm beating my self up, but I'm certainly rushing it. However, the problem has been that I really see to what a great extent both dark nigh stuff and A&P or Equanimity excitement carry me away, but these last two days my practice has been really integrated into my daily life. Just a few minutes of noting aloud, or doing "Who am I?" inquiry, or a few Metta phrases, can really bring me out of the momentum of unmindfulness, so I'm trying to give myself some of those pauses through-out the whole day. Well, actually now it just happens by it self. I was sitting here in my sofa earlier today, just chilling out, then I felt inclined to just note aloud a little bit, and that turned into exploring the whole specter of Just Sitting, Who am I?, Metta, Breath meditation on the various chakras, etc. There is probably the potential here of starting to explore too much, but although it is way to early to say this I'm having the feeling of developing fluency in all the three gears, and going up and down to whatever best suit my needs in that particular moment. I'm at least getting a taste of what that feels like. So yeah, this is really cool. And yeah, I'm going to continue to explore, but I'll still have noting aloud as my base.

Meditated for approximately 2 hours both yesterday and today, and now this last sit I had some really strong stuff going on in my 3rd eye. Felt like that chakra was wide open, like I had a big tunnel there sucking me in. I'll sit some more before I'll go to bed.

[thitatto]

Meditated for 1,5 hour today. Still a lot of 3rd eye activity, but it didn't capture my attention with the same force it did yesterday. Including a little bit of 2nd gear and Metta into my practice. Feeling very grateful for this community, and I'm very glad I was finally able to fully commit to this practice. Doesn't feel this claustrophobic sense of being oppressed by a meditation practice and project anymore. In fact it feels much more that I've installed a new operating system for my mind called Kenneth Folk Dharma, that seems to work much more smoothly than the old fragmented lost in a narrative focus that had gone bonkers did. Wanting to weave this practice into all aspects of my life as smoothly, gently and gracefully as I possibly can. May all beings be happy:)

[thitatto]

Meditated for 1 hour and 20 min today. I've been having strong anxiety through-out the whole day. Pretty strong contrast compared to yesterday. What is positive is that I don't spin around the same way in my mind looking for a "proxy life solution" when feeling like this. I stay with the body sensations, and I'm confident that I've chosen to follow a meditation system that I think of as my ultimate response to this aspect of life. Pretty rough day, though. Think perhaps I reached lower equanimity at the end of last sit. Still a lot of 3rd eye activity, but concentration has been too week to focus in on that area.

[thitatto]

Been having a little fever and not feeling to well today. Still the practice momentum seems strong. Done 50 min of sitting, but through-out the day I've been focusing on the sense of "I AM" and that really gets some strong concentration going. Don't know if I do it correctly, but it is my response to "Who am I?" and it makes me focus / concentrate on the sense of presence or the totality of my experience.

[thitatto]

Meditated for 1 hour and 20 min today. Momentum is pretty strong in the evenings, even though I go through a lot of Dark Night related feelings during the day. 3rd eye becomes like a strong focusing point that pulls me in. Will do a little bit more sitting before I go to bed.

[thitatto]

Meditated for 2 hours today. I'm still a little bit ill and feverish, and that made me really tune in to kindness and care for myself. Got into a very tender and kind state, noting "kindness," "tenderness," "compassion," "faith," "gratitude," surrender," "acceptance," "letting go," "ease," "joy," etc.

Interesting how being ill could be used as a foundation for what seemed like a very healing meditative experience.

Since I've also been doing "Who am I?" inquires and Metta meditation lately, I find that they blend naturally into my noting as well, when I note "I AMness" and "kindness" and "compassion". Not sure where the boundary between Mahamudra noting and regular noting is, but having regular noting aloud as my foundation, I sometimes just organically move into Mahamudra noting.

I find that being trained in noting aloud now, sometimes when I just sit in my sofa, it becomes more natural to just sit there without any plans for the day, and just note aloud for a few minutes, and then look out into the room and do 2nd gear practice. It feels very natural and like a very gentle way to integrate the practice into daily life.