Thitatto's practice blog

[thitatto]

50 min of meditation today.

[thitatto]

1 hour of meditation today.

[thitatto]

20 min of meditation yesterday, and 1 hour today. Felt some resistance towards it lately, but I was back in the groove after the first 20 min today.

[thitatto]

Haven't written here in some time, but I'm still keeping up my practice. Don't now where I am on the maps. Seems like the strong jhanic concentration I reported in the beginning of this blog was some sort of equal to beginners luck when it came to starting up again. I have relaxed a little when it comes to the energy I put into the practice, but at the same time I find new ways to incorporate noting practice into my daily life, and I find that noting is a very pleasant thing to. Generally I'm in a much better state through-out the day. Feelings of "existential panic" are much less frequent. Don't know if this is the correct way to put it, but there is much less resistance towards "the emptiness of existance" that noting practice reveals, seems to be much less of a pull to churn out mind-stuff to entertain myself away from this emptiness, even though the mind-stuff is a constant stream always running, but there is much less resistance towards this stream as well. It doesn't stop no matter what I do, but that is fine, and noting practice continuously improve my relationship towards this stream of thoughts, emotions and experience. Also I still intend to always improve my practice, and not settle with this.

[thitatto]

Been adding some more yoga to my daily practice. I've been getting ill a lot this last year. Flu like symptoms repeatedly. Been to the doctor, but the tests didn't reveal anything. Seems to come from emotional stress. I have so much life-experience to process it seems, that at times I loose all my mental and emotional space, and my system gets clogged up, and I become ill. When my practice is going well, I get that extra glow, and my health feels really good. Sometimes noting practice alone creates this, but other times it seems like I need to down-shit even more, and do more physical yoga as well. Fortunately I have a daily noting partner, and that helps with keeping the daily noting practice going. Also I'm still "in love" with noting practice, and especially noting aloud. Also I think it gives me more focus to the Dharma that I've had to pull back quite a bit from what was not so long ago an overactive socially involved life. So some adjustments, but overall I think I'm maturing into the right direction, and I think by keeping up my practice, and by keeping my involvements to a minimum, allowing for solitude and silence, I'll process this emotionall stress, and be back again with better focus and more clearity, choosing my involvements with wisdom.

[thitatto]

It's strange, but I don't experience any of those "close to stream entry" phenomena that I reported at the beginning of this blog these days.

Seems like I'm more just questioning the whole notion of any agency trying to discipline itself to get anything done.

I'm maintaining a daily practice, and that certainly is the most important thing.

But it really makes me wonder about when the energy and focus is here, and when it is not, and which periods leads to which results, and this pattern repeating itself.

And should I ramp up even more effort or should I just maintain a daily practice and be present with that, and do I even have a choice to ramp up more effort? Or should I just question the whole agency behind that?

I seem to be comfortable just maintaining a daily practice, and there is much less existential panic than when I started, and also my daily life activities are more gathered and collected and I seek out less and less company with people who are not interested in this practice.

I keep an open mind about these questions, but I can't really say whether I have any choice but to "rest in openness". Might seem like Advaita-illness to some

[thitatto]

Been back to noting aloud and more goal-oriented focus for two weeks now. I'm not meditating more than 30 min on average a day, but the benefits are obvious. Seems like I go back to "Just Sitting" both when my life is too stressful to do anything else, and also when I'm cruising in Equanimity. I think there are also periods where the whole notion of self is questioned so thoroughly that I get destabilized for a while, alternating between a huge spacious open awareness, and then also strong feelings of anxiety because it is so obvious that there is nothing to hold on to. Now my self feels integrated again, and I've been having a stable focus on noting aloud for the last two weeks.

[Dan G]

Thitatto,

Glad to see you posting an update. I feel like I can relate to the "nothing to hold onto" these days myself. But also the oscillating back and forth.

[thitatto]

Hey Dan! Good to hear from you

I did a session with Kenneth one week ago. We made inquires into both "going for it" and "not going for it", seeing them both as mental constructions that can be thrown into the hopper, as everything else. At the same time he recommended me to do at least one 45 min sit per day, so that will be my practice for a while; 45 min of noting aloud per day, preferably in the morning.

[thitatto]

Still keeping up my 45 min a day of noting aloud. Had a new session with Kenneth last friday. Feels really good to have a routine again. I know it will at times become difficult to stick with something like this, but it is exactly what I need at this point, so I will make an effort to keep it up.