Andy's Practice Thread

[AndyW]

Previously, on Andy's Practice Thread...

Here are some things that it might be useful to know to set the scene:

• - I suspect I got A&P when I converted to evangelical Christianity aged 18.
• - I started meditating in 2004, in a liberal, mystical Christian context. Then lost my faith for good in 2005.
• - I started practicing Zen meditation - mostly breath counting - in 2007.
• - I jacked it all in for 18 months between Feb 2009 and Sept 2010.
• - I restarted meditation in Sept 2010, and started working with Kenneth Folk in Jan 2011. He taught me Mahasi noting and the practice-formerly-known-as-Mahamudra-noting.
• - I started working with Beth Resnick-Folk in October 2011. She taught me non-meditation and enquiry noting.
• - According to Kenneth and Beth, I got stream entry in November 2011, when I experienced a cessation - which I described then as a 'tear in the fabric of the universe' during daily practice.
• - I hit First Path review on a hardcore Mahasi style retreat in Germany in April 2012 after a very long honeymoon period.
• - I hit Second Path on or just after retreat with John Peacock at Gaia House in August 2012 (again, according to Beth and Kenneth).
• - Since then I have been a bit directionless, but with Kenneth's help have access to soft/dynamic jhanas at least up to 6, possibly up to 8.
• - I sat two hours a day from December 2011 to December 2012, without fail, and since finishing that year, I have been somewhat lacklustre, missing entire days quite frequently, and most often only doing an hour when I do sit.

I haven't kept a thorough practice journal for a while now. Partly due to the forum upheaval, but more due to my own slight dip in commitment of late. I haven't had a lesson with Beth or Kenneth for some time, but hope to do so as soon as I can find the time and money. Hopefully this journal will put me back on the dharma wagon.

[AndyW]

Last night: 60 mins of non-meditation. Left it late so quite drowsy. Distractions from hearing housemates talking, but was able to just let it all happen without too much resistance. Pain in my upper back caused me to lie down for the last 20 minutes, at which point more sleepiness ensued.

This morning: 60 min sit. Started out trying to get into jhana. May have just skimmed the surface of one and two. Some pleasant settling down into 1, and then a few bursts of energy with 2. Then realised I wasn't getting deep, and decided to switch to noting before I got too distracted. Whispered out-loud noting. Tension. Itchiness. Prickling. Dread. Expectation thoughts. Craving. Hearing. Hearing. Planing thoughts. Holding. Resistance. Aversion. Tightness in shoulders. Release. Allowing. Then some more distraction. Checked the clock at 45 minutes, and got up to do walking meditation for the rest.

[JLaurelC]

The strong motivation on the early paths and then confusion and spotty motivation on the later ones is fully consistent with my own experience. I also note that those people who just pushed ahead (Russell, I'm talking about you) made rapid progress. That should motivate me to get my arse in gear, but so far it hasn't quite! I'm taking the "things-will-happen-when-they're-ready" approach. Anyway, good to see you, friend!

[Russell]

I did make rapid progress until I didn't. Talk to andyr about this too. I got very obsessed with sitting, no matter what. And then that became a hindrance.

I think there is nothing at all wrong with the "things-will-happen-when-they're-ready" approach, because THINGS WILL HAPPEN WHEN THEY ARE READY

[JLaurelC]

Thanks for the clarification. There's a balance to be struck somewhere between sluggishness and obsession. Not sure where that is! Andy, if you figure it out, please let us know.

[AndyW]

Yeh, andymr's experience felt similar to mine. He busted a gut with practice and then needed a two week hiatus, if I'm remembering properly. My recent tail-off has come after a year in which I spent more than a month on retreat and sat at least two hours a day. While it was enormously beneficial, and I am so glad I upped my game in this way, in the later stages of the year it felt like getting two hours done was a kind of attachment to ritual. Doing it for the sake of it.

As for figuring it out, I think all that I have learned is that tricky matter of effort vs. grace, striving vs. surrendering, pushing yourself vs. giving yourself a break, might be what this whole thing is all about.

[Andy]

It wasn't so much that I busted a gut and then needed a two-week hiatus, it's that if I had taken the hiatus, then I would not have wanted to bust a gut. When I stopped, I had sat for 790 days straight, averaging 2 hrs/day of formal and off-cushion practice (which was fairly formal by that time).

When I took a break, I completely stopped sitting, including any off-cushion practices. If I realized I was getting concentrated, or if I found myself noting, I'd turn on the radio, think about something in the future, or just let my thinking wander. After two weeks, I very gradually brought sitting back in, and found that not only had I not "lost" anything, but in fact, I got a number of new insights and good things started to happen.

Here's an analogy: I cycle a lot during the warm seasons. When I do, I usually train hard for 2 or 3 weeks, and then take an easy recovery week where I cycle no harder than I would if I was accompanied by my grandma. This is by far a faster way to get faster than simply cycling all the time. The technique is called periodization. The real gains in performance, ie. speed and strength, come mostly from the rest/recovery time. If you spend your time doing nothing by training, you never enter the rest/recovery phase, and performance suffers. This is true for many sports disciplines.

It never occurred to me that something similar might be useful for my meditation.

What comes up for you when you think about breaking your sitting streak, taking 2 weeks off, and living your life (now with all that extra time in a day)?

.

[JLaurelC]

I remember your practice because yours was one of the journals I read beginning to end when I was just starting out. It was incredibly inspiring. I hope you manage to repost the whole thing here sometime. But it's good for people like AndyW and me to hear about how you rethought the whole endeavor. I tell students who are pushing to write a big paper to take breaks from it and allow things to settle.

[AndyW]

Thanks for the response, Andy. And apologies for misconstruing your experience.

I still am not back to regular daily sits - skipping a day this week, In the few scraps of practice I have done, however, I'm increasingly struck by what I'm calling the two kinds of aversion. Most aversion, for me, arises in connection with physical pain during meditation. Sometimes this aversion is very strong and I don't see it. I'm totally wrapped up in it, noting "pain", "tension", "burning" or whatever and not seeing the aversion. Then there are other times where I'm able to snap out of this and note "aversion, aversion", in connection to the either the "tone of voice" in which I'm noting "pain", the planning thoughts related to getting rid of the pain or tension, and the way in which muscles around the unpleasant sensation contract. Now sometimes I am only barely out of the aversion when I note it. This is the first kind. The other kind is where I am more equanimous and where the observer or witness is slightly outside the sense of aversion, so that although there may be aversive planning thoughts or muscle contraction, the aversion is not really "felt by me". There is aversion, but I am not aversive. Or perhaps the second clause in that sentence is unnecessary. I can non-aversively note aversion if that makes any sense at all.

As a 100% certified, card-carrying aversive type, this interests me greatly. It's exciting to think of the potential of a non-aversive relationship with aversion that allows the whole damn thing to cool off, rather than - as the Buddha would say - a stoking of the fires. Anybody else recognise this experience?

[AndyW]

I realise that I didn't answer Andy's question. The main difference, over the last few months, has been an approach to practice that is less about forcing myself to meditate and more about allowing myself not meditate when I didn't want too. It's been interesting seeing the guilt arise when I don't sit, but also the satisfaction - as just now - of wanting to sit, and then sitting well.

Just sat for 60 mins. Didn't sit yesterday and it was remarkably focused considering. Calmed myself with the breath for first 15 mins, then switched to "rooting" myself on the cushion and the floor, feeling the pressure on my legs and at the bottom of the spine, and just allowing tension to relax without expectation or aversion. After a few minutes of this, I switched to out-loud noting, which was really engaging - noting: "release", "hearing", "expectation", "aversion", "imaging thought", "scenario spinning", "aversion", "release", "pleasant", "softening", "rooting", "rooting", "release". Had several A&Pesque rushes of pleasant energy as balls of tension melted down the spine. The hour passed very quickly, with only one moment when I wondered how long was left to go, and now I feel nicely calm and happy.