John H. Practice Log II

[jwhooper]

I don't know what happened. Some kind of shift. Along with it came Bell's Palsy and fatigue, like I have the flu. I still sit, but I wouldn't call it practice anymore. I just sit, and as concepts fall away everything becomes more 3-D and fresh, even ordinary things seem so alive. No altered states of consciousness. No effort. Despite the fatigue, I feel fine. Maybe it was just a coincidental virus. I seem to be slowly recovering. Maybe it is just some temporary weirdness. Wouldn't be the first time.

[jwhooper]

Recovered from the physical symptoms. Feeling the habitual thought moving back in, but there is nothing to do about it. Sitting is still just sitting. Pleasant, with no altered states, no jhanas, no cycling.

[jwhooper]

Now I still can't meditate, but the clarity is gone, and my mind is distracted and more caught up in thought than before this all started. It is hard not to be disappointed. I don't have any idea what to do. I guess I just keep waiting and see what happens.

[Russell]

Who is disappointed?

Isn't it very clear that the clarity is gone?

[jwhooper]

Things are really weird and unpleasant, like a purging of all my past neurotic issues, all rushing out. I do have the feeling it will be done eventually. It is clear that the clarity is gone. What is actually gone is the PCE like quality of things. Now everything seems "normal" ... only my normal meditation didn't come back. I still just sit there with nothing going on. It actually isn't unpleasant to sit there. I suppose I liked it when everything had the extra 3-D aliveness and beauty. Clingy, clingy.

[Bill29ish]

John: I shared the same experience following periods of major opening. It may be the nature of the process. It often is for me. You haven't asked for advice, so I won't pretend to be an authority, but I do know it was useful for me at such times to do a lot of bodywork or a vajrayana practice known as earth breathing. It may or may not be useful for you.

[jwhooper]

I would take any advice I could get at this point. Nothing is stable. Practice is weird. Clarity comes and goes. It is like switches being thrown on and off. Neurotic fear, then calm abiding. Aversion, then acceptance. Tell me more about earth breathing, it has to be better than what I'm doing. I tried to get into a jhana yesterday. Nothing. Then sometimes I sit in rapture. Then it is gone again.

[Bill29ish]

Hey John: I would just google "earth breathing" and reggie ray, his explanation is the clearest. Or you could skype me and I could teach you. You are probably at a point when releasing effort rather than trying anything -like getting into a jhana- will be more useful.

[jwhooper]

The long period of adjustment seems to be over. Everything seems a lot easier now. Yesterday I sat and looked out the window for an hour, doing non-dual inquiry on what things are transitory as opposed to the awareness that has never changed. The forest outside became my kasina, and the trees blurred, faces and forms appeared, then it all began swimming in a shimmering, shining tapestry, on and on. My awareness became increasingly panoramic, as though my body were in the center of the scene and my awareness was all around.

Thoughts bubbled up and faded away, quickly losing energy without the usual attachment from awareness. There was no process, no progress, as there was nothing to become, nothing to aquire. The true nature of things does not need discovery because it is always here, always now, and nothing has ever been separate from it. It was nice to sit for a while.