John H. Practice Log II

[jwhooper]

It had been a long time, but I sat for a few hours. Breathing in, just breathing in. Breathing out, just breathing out. It was very comfortable. At one point I had the sensation of cool wind on the left side of my face, even though I was indoors. The mind was quiet, very few distractions. I sat eyes closed for a long while, then opened my eyes and did some HAIETMOBA, which induced a lot of clarity, but not quite to the PCE level. Then I got into questioning whom was asking the question. In what was the question arising? What was seeking? The questions stopped, and I was left in awareness. The time passed quickly.

[kennethfolk]

Hi John,

Can you say more about what you mean by being left in awareness? What does that feel like? See if you can describe it using simple vocabulary of the five senses.

[JLaurelC]

Hi, John, glad to see you back here. Keep practicing and posting. Laurel

[jwhooper]

Hi All,

By "left in awareness" I mean that there is just seeing, just hearing, just the sensory input of what is. There is nothing going on. The mind is not telling a story or trying to do anything. It feels spacious and timeless. It feels like the familiar surroundings are new from moment to moment. There is a timeless freshness to what is seen and heard. Like a PCE, only not as intense and absorbing as the full blown ones I have experienced.

I had some time Saturday so I spent five hours in meditation. Four hours was compassion work, based on variations of:

May all beings be free of enmity
may they be free of affliction
free of distress
and live happily

Of course I start with myself and move outward to encompass all beings, trying to radiate as much compassion as I can, first in one direction, then eventually all directions. It becomes rather exhausting after a while.

To rest, I spent an hour just focusing on the breath in open awareness. Again I felt the cool breeze on the left side of my face. Again there was serenity and silence. Occasionally the mind would run through a story, a little drama of some kind, and I would watch but remain focused on the breath, letting everything run its course.

I hope your practice is going well, Laurel.
I can still feel the effects of all that compassion meditation right in the middle of my forehead. I would have expected it to be felt in the heart, but it is in the middle of my forehead just like when I first started working with the kasina over a year ago. I have moved, so now I don't have a private meditation room where I can keep a kasina on the wall. I felt the kasina work was done anyway.

[jwhooper]

I have been sitting regularly for 2, 3, and even 5 hours one day. I stopped using a timer. Chatter comes and goes. Focus comes and goes. I do NS until everything is dark and void and I have almost no breath. I go up into PL and feel the blissful waves raining down. I feel a cool breeze on my skin sometimes. Can't say that I notice vibrations much anymore. The time passes quickly. It is all very easy. I make no effort and let everything pass.

Sometimes I do some inquiry. If my mind chatters long enough I get curious. Who is speaking? Who is listening? Why would my mind need to talk and listen? Don't I already know what I am about to say? Who is asking questions? If I can answer a question with my mind, why do I need to ask it with my mind? Why am I talking to myself? It just doesn't make sense that I ask questions and give myself answers, feeling as though both the questioner and answerer are me. Weird.

[jwhooper]

Still going with the long sits on most days. I do metta for sure, usually some noting, some kasina, some mantra, advaita. It is all very effortless and pleasant. If I didn't have things to do, I could probably sit all day. Most of the time I feel very pleasantly detached. The type of practice doesn't seem to matter much. Sometimes I fall asleep for a while. Occasionally I go through some altered state or another, probably jhanas. I'm not very goal oriented at this time.

To put it in the vocabulary of the five senses, my sight goes from softly focused to PCE-like clarity. I don't really notice smelling or tasting much of anything. I hear ringing in my ears all the time, as always. Sometimes I feel a cool breeze. Most of what is happening seems to be changes in the feeling of expansiveness, which is sort of tactile. Expansiveness and focus seem to change the most. By focus I mean the clarity of my eyesight, and also the perspective shifts into different spaces, narrow or widened focus, and so on.

[Ona]

Pleasant meditation states are not a bad thing - refreshing, relaxing, helping one to rest from stressy life stuff. If you do feel "goal oriented" at some point, bringing investigation to your sits will potentially yield some interesting insights. For example "don't I already know what I am about to say?" - actually no. "What will the next thought be?" can be an interesting question to rest with.

[jwhooper]

Thank you for your suggestion, Ona. I am still sitting hours upon hours. Sometimes I just note positive or do PL to raise my mood, but I have dedicated quite a lot of time into investigation now. I keep coming back to here and now. This is it. It is already here. There is nothing to seek. Abide in awareness. Everything becomes really crystal clear. Everything is just exactly as it is. I sit with that. Then, no matter how much time has passed, shortly thereafter the same old self re-asserts itself. A self that I know is just a story. A self that I understand to be the cause of endless suffering. Yet there it is. It just drifts right back in and takes over, and before you know it I am emotionally hurt or frustrated by something related to the "me" and it seems so real. Sure, I can deconstruct whatever is causing me pain and get over it, but then the self creeps right back in. I dig at it, expose it ... but it just comes right back. Maybe I should forget about annihilating it and just try to make it less sensitive and more positive.

[Ona]

Remember the old clinging and aversion thing? That's the cause of suffering. The "self" is what generates the clinging and aversion (or, they are inextricably intertwined in any case). But what an irony. Battling the sense of self/contraction with aversion... it's like sending the arsonist to investigate the arson. The very act of trying to get rid of it simply feeds the process. As long as one tries to get rid of things one doesn't like and hold on to things one does like, one plays the self's game. So what to do? The workaround: simply allow everything that arises and passes to arise and pass, noting/noticing it as non-judgmentally as possible. The "here and now" may contain any variety of experiences, not just nice ones. If judgment arises (like/don't like), just notice that in the same way: it is simply more phenomena arising and passing. It seems non-sensical - if the point is to "get rid of the self," why "allow" these contractive or unpleasant experiences? But you can't win the game by playing by those rules. You have to change the rules. It's almost like using reverse psychology.

[jwhooper]

Thanks Ona. I sat for many hours with "What will the next thought be" and then just looking with curiousity. Sometimes there wasn't a next thought, but most often some random thought popped in. I was using a string of beads and just constantly asking "What will the next thought be?", waiting to see, and moving a bead. After a few rounds I would do something else, like inquiry, no-thought, metta, or focus positive.

At one point I felt the insights breaking in. I thought of all the Zen koans I used to practice, and there seemed to be a breakthrough on some of the ones I could never get before. I finally understood the commentaries that said "Watch out! Big thief!" The only new thing to come up was that everything became spontaneously dark for a short while. It was dark, but like outer space. Dark, but luminous somehow. Empty, but not empty. I suppose I should try to describe it better using the five senses, but it didn't seem to involve any of the five senses. In fact, I think my eyes were open, but I was experiencing a void, more or less.