John H. Practice Log II

[jwhooper]

Several days of poorly focused mind wandering meditations. When all else fails, I resort to noting or mantra, mostly noting. Then I did some advaita inquiry. Very restless. This time however I can report the five senses: restless energy stiffening the back, ears ringing as always, vision normal without altered states ... mostly too much energy and no ability to focus.

[jwhooper]

Many more hours, probably at least two hours a day. PCE-like experiences in meditation and sometimes spontaneously throughout the day. I say "PCE-like" because, like jhanas, these seem to be a soft version of a PCE. To describe them, there is a lot of clarity and immediacy, silence, peace. Everything is more vibrant and alive. There was a period of vibrations which I usually don't get during meditation, but a lot of other people seem to have them. The excess energy is gone. Some of the restlessness is still there, but not as much. Lots of energy pressure in a band across the top of the forehead -- like the third eye pressure I used to feel, but now all the way across.

[jwhooper]

I wondered if somehow I wasn't putting forth enough effort, so after 2 hours on Friday I sat for 7 hours on Saturday. This time I just did noting, quickly noting everything in my awareness. It was like an ordinary sit. It did not take any effort. Nothing notable happened. The only thing I noticed was disgusting images occasionally flitting by, which either isn't normal to me or I normally don't notice. I would get a few of these every once in a while, so I suppose I was cycling. The long sit didn't seem to build up any "momentum" or do anything other than eat up a lot of time. I think I'll just cut back to an hour a day, max. It would be nice to say sitting for 7 hours was an interesting experiment, but it really wasn't very interesting.

[jwhooper]

50 minutes yesterday, plus two 30 minute walking meditations. The sit started with a focus on the breath until I was well concentrated, then some metta, then inquiry. Eventually I became curious to see if all thought could stop, not just inner dialog, but everything, even the awareness of sensations. That seemed to lead pretty quickly to a lot of darkness and a pulsing, dropping down sensation ... which might be NS, only I didn't blank out completely. That has only happened once. Maybe I fell asleep. Then again, I never get any the blips that are cited as fruitions. Although I seem to reach the jhanas by description, I don't seem to feel a lot of great bliss. They are pleasant altered states, that's about it. I guess it doesn't matter. Maybe I haven't even cross A&P yet. Who knows. Ron thought that maybe I was stuck at the end 3rd path, where apparently it can be very hard to advance. Anyway, the 50 minutes was up in no time. My first walk I did with my old Zen training of "put it all down", meaning every time my mind grasped on any thought I gently put it down. It was very pleasant. My next walk I did using some AF pointers for inducing a PCE. Since I've had a lot of PCEs, I recalled them as I walked along, paying attention to the beauty of the trees and birds, pushing all of my senses out. I didn't reach full PCE, but it was definitely enchanting and delightful. I know that my practice is all over the place, but it doesn't really seem to matter what I do. Everything is good, but nothing seems to move me past equanimity, which is where I assume I am.

[jwhooper]

I did an untimed sit which went 1:15. Followed my breath to deep concentration. Lately, almost all the time, I feel energy at the third eye moving up, and this became very pronounced as it moved up towards the top of my head. There were a lot of vibrations, which is unusual for me. Eventually, the energy was right at the top of the head, and felt like it was shooting upward. When I wasn't fully absorbed, I did the three characteristics. There was a strong feeling of anticipation, which I let go. Then I realized that there was really no one there to let anything go, or to do anything at all, not even to surrentder. I sat with that. At one point I felt very chilled, just for a few seconds. I was interrupted by the phone, but for a long time afterward and even today I can still feel the effects of the energy, like a helmet on my head. The focal point of the energy is now about at my hairline.

[jwhooper]

50 minutes. Got concentrated, and then did no-thought for the rest of the sit. Very high nervous energy, so much that a loud noise made me almost jump out of my skin. Pressure above the third eye, at about the hairline, halfway to the crown. The vibrations were there, but I did not give them any attention. Just no-thought, then a subtle thought, then back to no-thought. I was sitting eyes closed, and at the end when I opened my eyes I was surprised to see the room in extra sharp 3-D, from an impersonal space as though I were not in my body ... not anywhere really. It was almost like being merged with the room. There was no me looking at the room. This continued for a few minutes even after I was finished and stood up. The time had passed very quickly, as usual of late.

[jwhooper]

1 hour Friday, 30 minutes Saturday, several short sits on Sunday. My daily mindfulness has increased a lot, so most of the time when I am driving, cooking, eating, and often when I am working I am not in the story, the self, and instead I am just an observer, or sometime just part of the scene as a whole. I catch myself throughout the day, particularly when emotions arise, questioning "who is upset?" "who is frustrated?" or whatever. It is very instructive. There are all kinds of little rules that my illusory self seeks to enforce upon reality. Every like or dislike brings its own suffering. I note how automatically my self takes control and draws me back into the story. It is amazingly subtle, amazingly sticky. My meditations remain very pleasant and easy. The time passes quickly. For now I am keeping my focus on the characteristic of no-self. This is the only thing that simply will not release. It comes back over and over and over. It poses as the one who will get rid of the self. It poses as the one who will surrender. It refuses to be seen as simply unreal, imaginary. So that is my practice. More and more, I am having PCE-like experiences during the day.

[jwhooper]

Unintentional 2 hour sit yesterday. I settled into deep concentration and then started on "who am I" "what am I" which eventually led to no-thought. I was thinking my time might be getting close to being up, when I don't know what happened. Maybe I just fell asleep. I don't remember anything, but it was obviously darker outside when the sound of the front door closing brought me back. I thought it was my wife leaving, but actually she was returning. It was an hour later than I thought. I seemed to be sitting in exactly the same posture as always, and my head wasn't nodded when I came to. Anyway, I felt fine but nothing special, so I'll just assume I fell asleep. I tried very hard on this sit to notice as I moved through the cycle, and I do think I noticed very subtle and quick transitions through fear, misery, disgust, ending in equanimity as always. There were some vibrations but it didn't feel like high equanimity to me. Very pleasant as always. Time passed quickly.

[jwhooper]

50 minutes, plus a 30 minute walking meditation. It happened again. I was sitting, just letting thoughts do whatever without interference, and then I came to and 50 minutes had passed. I must have been out at least 30 minutes. In my walking meditation I was trying to take "infinite consciousness" as a kasina object as I walked along. This caused a strange stobing effect, like awareness was trying to be aware of itself. My walking motions seemed to be jerky and disjointed, and I noticed how my vision dipped up and down with every step.

[jwhooper]

1:15 passed in no time. Peaceful, effortless. Vibrations, energy moving from the third eye to the crown and resting at the crown. Silent, still -- an occasional though floats by. Sounds arise throughout the house. Sensations arise in the body. No effort is made, not even to be mindful. Just sitting.