Russell's Old Journal

[Russell]

Placeholder for my journal from Wetpaint. I have all of my old logs and will be filling it in here. Leading by example. This is going to take a while.

[Ona]

Testing

[Nadav]

Journal away

[Russell]

OK, let's start from the beginning


Dec 9 2011, 9:56 AM EST

Hi. I am new here. I have been doing concentration practice for about 8-9 months and really getting into some interesting territory that made me realize how real this stuff is. I started out by reading some basic Buddhism books then, being the practical guy that I am, stumbled upon Buddhist Geeks, then Daniel's Book, then found Shinzen and Kenneth and through this is site I found Ron Crouch, who I just had my first lesson with last night (Thanks Ron!) If feel like it is time for me to get into vipassana and see where this takes me. So I will be trying to do my best to keep a log here. Next post coming soon.

Responses:

RonCrouch
Dec 9 2011, 10:37 AM EST

Hi Russel, welcome to KFD! You'll get a lot of good advice and support here.

cmarti
Dec 9 2011, 11:43 AM EST

Welcome!

APrioriKreuz
Dec 9 2011, 11:51 AM EST

"getting into some interesting territory that made me realize how real this stuff is. "
Too real! Welcome

[Russell]

Dec 9 2011, 9:19 PM EST

Alright, first true vipassana sit. About 35 minutes. Noted like crazy, it seemed to flow pretty well, but because of my somewhat limited noting vocabulary it seems a lot of the same notes were popping up. Especially physical sensations such as itching, tension, pressure, tingling (in my hands and at forehead), hearing, lights, spinning, squinting. Emotions such as self-doubt, frustration and aversion were popping up. Noting mental phenomenon is hard for me but I did note visualizing, reflection, remembering, judging. I also noted several times that I was "hunting" for things to note. I tried to add in whether the sensations were pleasant, neutral, or unpleasant when I remembered to.

All in all it was a good sit for about 25 minutes when one of my kids started playing music in their room and the baby monitor was on in the room I was meditating in. I mindfully got up and turned it off, (noting frustrating here) and sat back down and continued for another 15 minutes. I did get the nice tingling in my hands and general concentrated relaxed feel that I do get when doing regular concentration practice. I expected to be more frustrated the first time but it went pretty well.

[Russell]

Dec 10 2011, 8:58 PM EST

Note to readers, I have experienced some of this rising pleasure that I am about to describe later in this thread before while doing concentration practice. I was struggling with making it return and frustrated with no progress until tonight.
OK another 30 minute sit after a rough, frustrating day with the kids.. Had a harder time noting at first so I noted rising, falling a lot. Coolness in my nostrils, pressure on my seat. Itching, visualizing, self-doubt, embarrassment, self-evaluation, hunting. The tingling in my forehead seemed like molecules were vibrating. Started to get the numbness, tingling in my hands rather quickly, almost like they disappear. Noted tingling, pleasurable, pressure.

Then suddenly I got a tingling/itching right at the top of my head (never had this before) and noted it and stayed with it a bit, noticed it wasn't going away. Noted tingling, neutral, investigating. Then I got a wave of pleasure rising up tried to note through it but, notice a slight smile, tension, investigation, bright lights, then it calmed down, noted darkness, frustration (that it went away). Anyways, good sit this time. Can't wait to keep trying. I am also noting during the day when i can, especially when I have anxiety (it seems to help a lot)

[Russell]

Dec 11 2011, 8:42 PM EST

Another sit tonight. Not as eventful as last nights, but i did have the starts of some of the raptures I was having last night. Very pleasurable. Less itching, noted more pressure in the forehead, tingling, vibrating. Asked myself, who is noting this?
It seems when I shift my focus to the vibratory aspect and try to pick it apart, thats when the raptures and lights begin, but I quickly lose them because I tend to focus on the feeling of the raptures. After they went away noted: frustrated, self-doubt, darkness, grasping. Then acceptance and I continued until my daughter opened the door to my room. I really should lock that door or find a more private place. I'll try this again tomorrow, but something feels a bit unfinished about that sit.

Reponses:

JLaurelC
Dec 11 2011, 9:40 PM EST

Oh, the joys of meditating with a child in the house! . I've had that happen.

Russell
Dec 12 2011, 10:55 AM EST

Yeah, it can be frustrating. Speaking of frustrating. I have been pretty agitated for the last few days. I don't like to guess where I am on the path but maybe this is 3C's and a taste of A&P?

JLaurelC
Dec 12 2011, 11:10 AM EST

There are others far more able than I to address this, but I'd say your experience of vibrating on the surface of your skin is a good sign of progress. You may be nudging into A&P territory with the lights flashing--that's usually a pretty good sign.
Wishing for good experiences and getting frustrated when they don't happen is typical of all of us. People always advise me to retain an attitude of openness to whatever happens, even disappointing sits. I'm beginning to compare the path to the game of golf--you can hit a beautiful drive off the first tee, then get a lovely fareway shot, then slice it into the woods, wind up on the next shot in a sand trap, and take 10 shots getting out--LOL. Then you'll sink a beautiful putt and think you're a god again. There's always something new and different, some of it boring, some of it downright unpleasant.

[Russell]

Dec 12 2011, 10:05 PM EST

Thanks for the tips. I just sat for 45 minutes. More raptures and lights, it seems things are speeding up and i feel like I tend to note them after they happen, almost like i can't keep up. I keep feeling self-doubt, almost like I am making up all of this as a story in my head. Hard to explain. Almost like I feel like 'x' should be happening and bam there it is. Did I make that happen or are things progressing like I keep reading about?

One time I got a bright light in front of me and noticed flickering in it like little specks moving around and the rapture followed but it never last for very long. I can't just sit in that rapturous state. It usually only happens strongly once per sit and once it goes away it won't fully come back. I really do feel good after a sit though.

[Russell]

Dec 13 2011, 9:12 PM EST

Shorter sit tonight. I don't know why, but I felt like I was done for some reason after 25 mins or so. Been having a bit of a destabilizing time off the cushion so I was very eager to sit today. Been very agitated and confused at times. It seems when I sit now I get concentrated very quickly and cycle up to the bright lights and flashing rather quickly but they still fade fast. I had a stomach ache going in to my sit so it was distracting at first but i just noted it and as i noted other sensations, the stomach pain subsided. The mind is very powerful.

Noting thought sensations is still the hardest thing for me. I seem to note them way after I experience them. Like for example I imagine my wife, but I am still noting physical sensations, but then I almost go...Ohh yeah, imaging thought. Tomorrow I will be focusing on noting during the destabilizing times during the day.

Added Note for myself: Heartbeat pulsing in ears is prominent at first then ringing in ears is more prominent, then the ringing seems to change in pitch, pulsing maybe. hard to describe.

[Russell]

Dec 14 2011, 11:29 PM EST

30 minutes tonight while my wife showered so I sat in a different room than usual, it made me feel more vulnerable so It was a little bit of a disappointing sit, but I seemed to notice some cycles occurring. First start sitting, did a small amount of just concentration practice then begin noting, sometimes I start noting without realizing it. Noted tension around my eyes, then things start itching, then the itches turn to tingles and kind of grow. Started to get the lights and pleasurable feelings, then my visual field (with my eyes closed) went dark and my nose was twitching like crazy. Things calmed down again and started getting the itching then bright lights again, then darkness. Feels like some sort of cycle of the 1st 4 nanas, but its hard to tell. I'm trying not to label where I on the path am and just keep doing it. It was a little frustrating at time though this sit. When sudden noises happen my body jolts a little bit, like an electric shock, then I usually try to note 'hearing', 'startled.' I feel like something has been left on the table the last couple of sits. I need to try to find time to sit during the day too.

And so it goes....