Eric III

[Eric_G]

Practice journals for I & II - (Jayson's backup copy)

From old forum here:

January 23, 2013 at 5:35 pm #828

Practicing 30-60 minutes a day, back to daily after a post path lull, still seems like review. Today is the 9th day in a row.

Getting back into regular practice, I was frustrated by the amount of distractedness at first, but after about a week of everyday practice I feel like I have my badass chops back. (Ha!)

February 5, 2013 at 2:43 pm #1110

I thought I was back to regular practice with the last post but have fallen off again. I am just not that excited about sitting formally, although I tend to do a little bit every other day or so. I’m willing to do maintenance, I guess. A bit drifty today. Still seems like review B, I often have fruitions at night when I’m first lying down to go to sleep, and these go right back to equanimity.

For me the real “acceleration” occurred last fall, when I was in equanimity, meditating 2 hours a day and got 7th & 8th jhana. Then, the period right after path, kind of early review A, that also seemed like a real acceleration. Seems kind of stagnant since then.

February 9, 2013 at 12:41 pm #1164

Fruitions seem to be happening more frequently, noticing them in meditation as well as before bed. And elsewhere:

I had a big cessation/fruition last night. I guess I know that those are complete discontinuities, but the mind seems to generally just pick up right back where it was, so these things usually seem like minor blips. Last night while listening to somewhat loud music, I had a fruition, and the return of hearing actually scared me, because the cessation cut everything out, and so it was like from dead quiet someone just suddenly turned on a loud stereo and it was startling.

February 20, 2013 at 6:35 pm #1295

Still not practicing much formally. Review seems to be ripening, I think. Haven’t noticed a fruition in a few days. Going to bed last night there was a lot of A&P type flashing and such, haven’t really seen it like that since early review.

Sat today 35 minutes, not much there, didn’t particularly notice the review type cycling. Seemed kind of like equanimity but these days it seems like I’m pretty equanimous most of the time anyway. Might be starting a new cycle.

Spent the long weekend (US holiday) in a cabin with 5 others and 3 dogs. Living a fairly cloistered life, I found it really good practice to be amongst the chaos of regular folk.

February 21, 2013 at 1:48 pm #1304

35 minutes. 2 days in a row.

Hardness, tightness in the back, joy, peace, light, vibration, tension, pulsing, darkness, disappointment, sadness, fear. Seems like nanas 3-6. My fear was thinking of my last dark night.

Not really feeling the formless thing, wondering when easy access comes back.

February 22, 2013 at 1:27 pm #1312

35 minutes

Noticed the jhanic arc up to 4. After a few minutes of noting seemed pretty darn equanimous, although there was a moment of sadness there. Sat mainly just sitting, shikantaza. Surprisingly I’m not really that into watching all the clues for mapping, more just sitting and “detaching”. Seems to take away from the presence if I’m thinking too much about nanas and jhanas, but I try a bit at first. After getting into 2nd/3rd gear, the noting is at the ready like a gun holstered and ready to draw at any moment if the need arises.

Some occasional discontinuities here and there, generally off cushion, mainly visual, but they don’t feel particularly “deep”. Nothing like the one I posted about on Feb. 9, for example. Last path I had these light visual discontinuities more or less throughout the path.

Kind of wondering if I’m still in review or if a new cycle has begun.

February 25, 2013 at 1:29 pm #1327

35 minutes

Relaxed and equanimous, but with a background of perhaps mild frustration, a mild squirrely anxiety, unsettled. A feeling of being lost or uncertain. Almost a sense, meditation wise of why bother. Tension in the brow, unpleasant.

February 27, 2013 at 1:04 pm #1345

Yesterday, some of the clearest cycling I’ve experienced, two very clear movements one after the other, from joy and light and bliss to > blah and mild suck > to okay with everything. During one of the blah phases, disgust was very prominent in a similar way as infinite space is prominent in 5th jhana. Did not notice fruitions. Not saying it didn’t happen. The movements seemed more nana based than jhana based, if that makes any sense. I wasn’t noticing certain jhanic aspects as much, i.e. the forward focus of 2nd jhana or the panoramic awareness of 4th, for example. Not that they weren’t there, I just seemed to be focused a little differently than usual.

joy > suck > okay

plus > minus > neutral.

Not sure I’ve ever seen it so clearly, in such a short period of time.

At some level, it all seemed unsatisfactory, even during some of the joy, if I paid attention to the horrible tension in my brow. The equanimity part was okay, but I could recall the joy and draw a comparison.

February 28, 2013 at 1:16 pm #1373

45 min.

Motivation has been low recently. After a few days that sucked, today feels moderately wonderful, as if a weight had been lifted, albeit a moderate weight. Got into some good relaxed, spacious areas, but at the same time touches of angst, sadness here and there, and of course the ever present brow tension. Not sure if I’m headed towards equanimity or I’m in infinite review. Or none of the above.

March 1, 2013 at 12:57 pm #1378

It recently felt like a little one week mini-cycle in there, but at any rate I was having fruitions last night, so … I guess longer term the flavor still seems to be review. I think last time around review lasted 2-3 months, this time I’m up to around 2 months so far.

Right when my head hits the pillow continues to be prime time for fruitions.

[Eric_G]

Almost 3 months of spotty practice following 2nd path.

Back into it, over a week of daily practice 35-55 minutes

First few days just seemed to be getting back into it, more of a struggle. Now it seems easy again. I do a little one line per day journal to keep track, the last three entries were:
3-16 wanting to quit
3-17 okay > EQ?
3-18 EQ, light formless

Today, some brief notes of sadness and angst, noticed a tightness around my solar plexus that I hadn't really identified before. Surprise at the appearance of a bright visual field along with pleasant feelings and mood. I feel like I am cycling as I notice the visual field goes thru periods that are distinctly dark and then distinctly light. Not feeling super absorbed in jhana, some sense of darkness and spaciousness, a feeling that formless jhanas will become clearer if I keep practice up. Generally feel lost map wise. Everything feels pretty okay all the time, attention is steady, relaxed.

[Eric_G]

55 minutes

When I sit, the intention I have running is to be aware (and stay aware), and to let go of everything.

Brief notes of sadness and desire to quit. Stuck with it and became very spacious and calm, reminding me of last fall when I was practicing more. Getting a little formless-y. Much pleasantness and relaxation, yet an underlying mild unsatisfactory quality remains. Tension in the forehead, around the eyes and the base of the nose continues to be unpleasant. By the time I got to a solid equanimity, noting was dropped and I was just sitting. Some desires manifesting as little dreams. Thought - if I have made it thru a dark night or thereabouts, this one was easy.

[MuMuWu]

55 minutes

When I sit, the intention I have running is to be aware (and stay aware), and to let go of everything.

Have you ever noticed that whatever it is that is intending to be aware and trying to be aware is simply another thing that arises in awareness (whatever that is) and that you have absolutely no power, beyond going to sleep or something like that, to turn awareness off?

You can't really let go of everything if you are trying to be aware, let the fact that you always are / were aware do the work, simply notice that when you are distracted and come back that you were aware that whole time anyways.

[Eric_G]

Have you ever noticed that whatever it is that is intending to be aware and trying to be aware is simply another thing that arises in awareness (whatever that is) and that you have absolutely no power, beyond going to sleep or something like that, to turn awareness off?

You can't really let go of everything if you are trying to be aware, let the fact that you always are / were aware do the work, simply notice that when you are distracted and come back that you were aware that whole time anyways.

Thanks. Good stuff. Can one "come back" then?
It's still a bit of a conundrum for me. It does seems to be pretty okay if the mind wanders, i.e. not so much in the way of embeddedness-type problems. I'm not sure I would say that pre SE.

---

Yesterday a bit of interaction with my father notched up the psychological angst into uncomfortable territory for a few hours. Felt a bit like reobservation. Sat for 20 minutes and everything seemed okay again.

35 minutes today
Equanimous but the mind was chatty, going off on the above quote. Kind of seems like an infinitely recursive philosophical wormhole at times.

[MuMuWu]

Eric,

When I'm distracted I can't remember what happened, for example, 5 minutes ago - but during that 5 minutes part of me was fully aware.

Noticing that I was aware during that gap and still am seemed to do something. It comes to a point where there are no gaps (as the gaps in awareness are simply in hindsight and memory).

For example, you are driving down the road. A thought pops in your head and you are off running through some imaginary scenario. You notice you are distracted and come back to the driving. You can't remember the last few minutes of the drive, yet you weren't in an accident. You were aware of the road the whole time, but your memory is of what you were thinking about.

Does that make sense?

[Eric_G]

Absolutely. I feel likely I have at least somewhat come to terms with that. I think. But I'm still struggling a bit with effort vs. non-effort, which may kind of be the same thing.

After my A&P years ago, I asked a local roshi if there was anything to do, if anything could actually be done. Kind of the same area, although I was probably coming more intellectually from a free will kind of thing at the time as opposed to experiential. May not even be useful to think about it. It does seem that life seems to go a bit better if this thing meditates regularly. But maybe that is just what is happening.

[Russell]

Practice journals for I & II - (Jayson's backup copy)

Old forum here, start of III

That old forum is eventually going to go offline so if you want to copy paste it would be wise. Thanks!

[Eric_G]

That old forum is eventually going to go offline so if you want to copy paste it would be wise. Thanks!

Done.

Felt really nice yesterday, mood lifted, all is well with the world kind of thing.

Occasional discontinuities continue, mainly visual, about every other day, one last night as I was going to sleep. They seem mild and return to equanimity.

35 min

Very aware today, present thru a number of mind wanderings. It was very strange to be so present and yet realize that what I was experiencing was a dream. Maybe that recent comment primed the pump.

[Eric_G]

Still sitting a bit, but it seems hard to be as motivated as before. Comes and goes, but I try to sit a little each day, and be a little mindful here and there. Everything is pretty okay, and yet not completely.

Was grokking categories, words and language a couple of weeks ago.