Dan's Practice Journal

[Dan G]

Going to start a practice journal and see what happens.

My name is Dan. I am in my mid thirties and have a family (wife and 3 young children). Life is pretty busy. I took my first Goenka 10-day course about 10 years ago. Overall, I sat 4 courses and a weekend short course. I experienced some highs and some pretty intense lows which made me stop about six years ago. For the past six years I have been meditating off and on (in the Goenka style). Why would I keep getting drawn back? Did I cross the A&P? Why did meditating always make me feel like crap after restarting the practice? Was my cutting edge in the dark night? I don't know the answers to these questions yet and may not ever definitively know. And that is ok with me. However, for whatever the reason I keep coming back. So, started sitting regularly back in November, got exposed to the pragmatic dharma scene in December, and started working with Ron Crouch about a month ago. Practicing about an hour a day.

Anyway, although somewhat shy and reticent to bring my practice online, I am motivated to be part of a sangha. More specifically a place where I can receive feedback on my practice and hopefully, with more experience, help others with theirs. I have been journaling my practice for several months and just started to do it blog style the past couple of weeks. You are welcome to view it http://dangpracticelog.blogspot.com/. It is somewhat of a scrapbook. Let me pass along a heartfelt thanks to folks who already share their practice or have shared in the past. It has been very motivating and inspiring and I have benefited greatly. Looking forward to connecting. Dan

Edit: added text from welcome thred

[Dan G]

3.17.2013
9:10 9:50 UU Church
15 mins sitting - 10 walking - 15 sitting

Becoming de facto leader of the sunday morning group. seriously changes the experience and confuses people when I say "welcome to the Zen buddhist group, I don't really know anything about zen, but welcome anyway." Probably not a good way to build a sangha. Should probably talk to some of the leadership folks about this.

Anyway, first fifteen minutes seemed to flow. Sensations coming and going. Felt solid pain and itching and then dissolving quickly once investigated. Walking meditation was challenging and thoughts flew. Once back to sitting, pleasant tingling in the nether regions (not sexual, just pleasant). third eye pressure emerged. Tensions in the chest. Visuals catching my attention, nothing dramatic, somewhat tv static looking. No dramatic ups and downs. Things were becoming more vibratory and interesting as the session ended. Tried to sit longer (during the actual church service, but the church elders were itching to start their moneyless yard sale - did score a nice tool belt!)

Off cushion:
during the church service: up-welling of tears. did not feel sad but emotions started to move. noted and paid attention. Came and went a couple of times.

As we were leaving, and elderly gentlemen was walking up to the building and tripped and fell. I saw it happening in slow motion but could not move fast enough to help him before falling. Seems like he was ok. Moments after it happened, sadness emerged again. Wanted to cry again. Felt vulnerability of life and age. Was wondering if he was feeling embarrassed, hurt, frail, etc. As I write this now I can't quite bring up the same feelings but they were strong at the time. Anyway, noticed just last evening that fear has been noticeably absent recently.

[kennethfolk]

Good report, Dan. Welcome.

[Dan G]

thanks Kenneth.

[Dan G]

3.18.2013
6:15 - 7:15 am

Challenging sit. Started similar to most sits recently. Settling in. Minor tensions, tuning into vibrations. Started to realize I was having a hard time noting. Anxiety thoughts related to work and communications. Kept trying to come back to noting. Sit was boring for a bit but strong negative thoughts kept coming. This is out of the ordinary for most sits over the past couple of months. I have been rolling with noting and there was no rolling. Clunky and rookie-like. Vibrations were becoming harsh, felt like mild electric shock. Several times wanted to end sit and just ge up and do something else. Curiosity to see it through and examine. Third eye pressure/pulsing present most sit, sometimes foreground, sometimes in the background. One time 3rd eye sensation dominated and started to move out negativity but got pulled back in. Really could see more clearly than ever how these harsh sensations have been a backdrop of my life. Could see in a way the countless time I was acting out. I actually laughed for a moment because at a distance it was kind of funny. I guess I was laughing at the simplicity of it. Started applying Ron's teaching of having metta for these sensations. I was not actively reciting metta but just a shift in heart as I was aware of them.

[Dan G]

Off cushion yesterday:

uneasy this afternoon. anxiety. hard to concentrate on tasks. when i pay attention it seems that the sensations from this morning are still lingering. 3rd eye pressure still prevalent.

having real doubt about practice. blaming it for making me feel bad. feelings of wanting to quit. angry at vipassana.

third eye pressure present most of the day. seem to be cruising through various emotions. while lying in bed before falling asleep, pressure was building behind my eye balls. almost like sinus pressure. jaw tensions seemed to move inward as well and converge on this spot. not sure if scripting and putting too much emphasis on this area.

[Dan G]

3.19.2013
6:40 - 7:30 am

Interesting sit. Especially compared to yesterday. Totally calm and pleasant. vibrations more pleasant. Wanted to just sit and felt the desire to sit for a long time. Concentrated was poor. Did not feel desire to note but tried a few times and it puttered out. This is in stark contrast to the last several weeks where I felt I was shooting aliens for an hour at a time. This was more day-dreamy However, I was seeing some things really clearly. Mind - body connection seemed super sharp. Thought arises..boom...sensations. Noted sensations, dispassionately investigating, then another thought, repeat. What made it more profound was the clarity of seeing the process, the clarity of the investigation, and then the passing away. Third eye pressure was prevalent. Would investigate and dissipate upon investigation. It was like it was more prevalent in the periphery and when under investigation it passed away. I realized that I was giving this area special status because this is happening to most sensations these days anyway. As I was starting to build momentum in the sit, I hear my 1 year old crying in the other room, and then exhausted mom comes out and says "here! she's yours." And went back to bed. Now typing with sleeping 1 year old.

[Dan G]

3.20.2013
6:40 - 7:40 am


Some general thoughts about the sit. No solidity, no itching. No real unpleasant physical sensations. Third eye sensation present throughout. Investigated third eye area much more this sit. Became very interested in it . Simply because it was consistently the most dominant sensation. Some fear arose at the beginning of the sit especially when sound became very vibratory. Some anxiety and nervousness arose in spurts throughout sit regarding life responsibilities but would dissolve once noted and physical sensations investigated. Realized I was perceiving third eye sensations as if they were at a distance. Started to investigate and asked questions, i.e. more curious about them. How large of an area? How deep was I feeling the sensation?

did about 10 minutes of metta at the end of sit which felt nice.

note on sleeping. I have an awareness that my mind is actively thinking all night long. Not very restful. This has been going on for a week or so.

[NickP]

Is there any aversion at hitting a different cutting edge every day? Is there a desire to control it? A desire to have it progress more linearly? Any clinging to the recent stays at the higher ñanas?

Can you see a process of clinging/aversion like that, in real time, during your sits? And off the cushion?

[Dan G]

Thanks for the well timed questions Nick. I think these are important questions for me to reflect on right now.

To answer your first question, yeah, I think there is. But is much more interesting than I have ever experienced.
I do feel I am more balanced and have more equanimity towards it. I am trying to have a more inquisitive approach to my daily sits, like, "that was interesting, I wonder what it will be like tomorrow." I am trying to have a somewhat scientific approach, like I am performing this experiment, and just impersonally and dispassionately gathering data. For some reason this approach is working for me right now.

Second question. I have no idea. This is a good one and need to investigate. To your third, I think there is desire to progress more linearly. But this is where I am starting to see the value of a Sangha. If I had not read the multitude of times people reported bouncing around, and felt like they had no idea what was going on with their practice, and where they felt like they were on the maps, I probably would have more negative feelings associated with this. But being able to take a peak into another's practice, I am less inclined to spin off and create mental "woe is me" drama about this and just keep working.

What is interesting about this question: "Any clinging to the recent stays at the higher ñanas?" is that I have both clinging and aversion to it. The latest cutting edge was both exhilarating and scary.

I think I am starting to see it a little more clearly in real time on the cushion. Off the cushion? don't know?

again, thanks for asking. I have found it useful to reflect on these questions and an aid for further investigation.