Bill H practice log

[Bill H]

Still here, coming back around to just noting more and more on the cushion instead of doing 2-3 different things as 'prep'. Mixing in at random some yes notes and some ships in the harbor a few times here or there... Having very painful off-cushion sensations in the front of the face and head. Feels like parts of the nervous system coming alive after disuse? Sometimes wondering what makes progress so painful for some yet not for others? I'm not sure thats even knowable. Maps a bit more clear with straight noting - just keepin on.

[kennethfolk]

Feels like parts of the nervous system coming alive after disuse?

Cool. Keep us posted on how this shapes up. Will the newly sensitive areas stay that way or go back to sleep?

[Bill H]

- Well it seems to be a slow painful process, but yes it does feel as if areas in the head bit by bit are waking up. Seems more like a two steps forward, one back deal.

What I have been doing the last week and it really seems to accelerate this process - is to generate metta and project it around and through the head, finding areas of tension or unpleasant sensation and kneading the metta through it if possible.. I have found some small but very painful spots in my neck that have been 3/4 cleared out now from awareness - some really odd emotions and memories tied to those spots in my neck. Slowly freeing up more bandwidth to use for being alive!

[Bill H]

Still here -

I have been continuing to practice twice 40-55min a day as I have been the last 2 years.. Some days its easier although for the most part lately things have been difficult on the cushion and staying on there for 45 minutes is sometimes tough. Seems like on certain random infrequent days I might get a peek up into low EQ (maybe) and the nanas seem obvious and on others the whole thing is just wild, harsh, painful, and everything just shakes (like I was looking through a camera that was being shaken).

I have been playing a bit more with concentration to see what kind of pre-noting work helps out the noting the best and I seem to have come to an understanding of something that I hadn't really grokked before - Its not holding the mind still on a spot on the stomach or nose or anything else that helps the noting out... Its applied continuous thought, using up the bandwidth of the mind so it doesn't wander.. THAT seems to help the noting the most. I don't need to spend 15-20 minutes trying to hold the mind onto a spot at all - in fact that may work (sometimes) but it doesn't seem to help noting.

Two situations I have played with where I can come up with an example -

Mahasi style noting, to make sure I get more out of it all I need to do is make sure the riiiising and faaallling notes are continuous with the breath, with no gaps in the note if possible and that the noting becomes the only thing the discursive mind is doing while watching the breath (even if somewhat haphazardly at first)

Choiceless noting - the noting needs to be fast to 'work' (to see the 3C of anything at all), fast and continuous, again the only thing the discursive portion of the mind is doing is the noting - everything else is random chatter that comes up on its own but is always being noted when it does. If there are small gaps in the noting (it feels very slightly rushed when it seems to work) - it stops being effective for me.

Just writing this down for my own sake really - I know Kenneth has written this stuff down numerous times but I think I finally see how it works in practice..

Keeping on...

[Bill H]

Tried a session (50min) of just pure choiceless with no mahasi or at least anchored warmup and I got stuck in perhaps the most painful (what I thought was third) nana possible...

[Bill H]

repost from DHO: Hope this helps anyone who might be in a similar place


For anyone interested - I did *finally* discover how to gain some stability in samatha practice so I am doing a bit more of that right now (have been noting for the last 6 mo or more) - I appear to have some sort of PTSD type stuff going on which comes up when I get more concentrated and tends to cause(or be involved with?) intense pain and blockages/etc when/if I go up into the dukkha nanas. It also seems to create so much instability that it derails insight(and concentration of course). I was able to get beyond it temporarily somehow on retreat at the first of the year and have a fairly stable half hour in EQ but since then have only seen that place once for a minute at best.

So I am going back to work on this 'stuff' and have been using some somatic experiencing (I will go find a practitioner soon for this) and am trying out some of the Byron Katie stuff... But thats not what I am here to add today, just background.

I found that if I use the rising/falling note of Mahasi almost as a mantra that takes up 2/3 of attention it can help wipe the mind of the repeating PTSD stuff that I normally cannot see, and seems to be deepening concentration in a way I haven't been able to get until now. It is also opening up awareness of painful areas in the head that I have a hard time with so it feels important to do this right now. It seems so far that I am also able to do this type of practice without moving up the maps as long as I don't look too carefully at the details of either the breath or the note. Not sure where I am getting up to but it feels like close to access or 1st VJ as things start to stabilize and I am floating with the breath 'way down there' and a sense of being immersed in stillness and space (pretty sure I am not up to 5th, so not sure why space is so obvious).. Think I will deepen this for a bit and then see what happens when I investigate it.

So the method is a continous riiiiising and faaaaling note the ENTIRE time the breath is watched for direction and that mental activity seems to help gel the mind on the task better than just looking at the breath would. Its like giving the mind a continuous task so it can settle down (applied thought?)

Hopefully if anyone else out there has been having similar issues with concentration or 'stuff' causing instability this will help them too.

[Bill H]

FWIW I meant not moving up the maps 'on the cushion' as I still dont seem to have any control of it occuring off-cushion, but Im used to it by now.

[Bill H]

straining at all is starting to get in the way... Seems like the more relaxed I can do any practice the better. Couple of sits today and it was clear that a loosely anchored mahasi done in a relaxed way produced better results (I think I flip flopped between mahasi and choiceless a few times just because). Pretty sure I got to a lowish EQ, fine vibrations, sensations of peace, awareness complete in the head and open into everything at once, then near the end falling back down into some rough stuff, different types of unpleasantness doing their thing.

Beth had told me a few days ago that I needed to relax more - as stubborn as I seem to be I will do my best to take this to heart.

[Bill H]

Been doing near constant mahasi and some choiceless during the day but generating way too much agitation, trying to focus on anything ramps up agitation still..

Curious about the 'focus on rest' practice and whether it could be a good base for choiceless noting. I have used lots of concentration in the past and it speeds the noting along but doesn't seem to do much for stability.. I will test this out and see how it goes.

[Bill H]

As usual when I go off on one of these tangents things seem to work for a day until I get stuck in wicked harsh DN, then the only thing that helps at all is choiceless noting...