Bill H practice log

[Bill H]

Same, also doing some somatic experiencing stuff with a psych which is probably going to take some time. Finding pleasantness in the body is helpful when the mind gets stuck in fear (my brain doesn't let go of fearful energy..When I get surprised by something it can take days for it to wear off) - although interestingly I still need to breathe down the front when things get spacey/fuzzy and then stuff starts to get clear again to a degree. I have heard that some chinese medicine can help with that sort of thing although I have always been fairly skeptical. Very difficult to ground myself but learning how to do it..

[Bill H]

Had a rush of piti the other day as the breath got extremely bright for a bit, and it was an interesting experience, the warm exciting energy felt like it was filling up every spot in my body... Somehow soothed over anything else there and lasted for a while, after which even off the cushion I noticed that it was easy to find a bright clear breath-object when desired (for a bit)...

Am finding that there are two ways to concentrate on an object, and I am starting to see the beauty of the second way

1. First way is to simply place awareness on the object. Usually this requires a certain amount of 'force' and seems to be difficult.

2. Second way is to simply decide to restrict all my thinking to the object only. Can I just sit here and think about the breath in a way that causes the mind to be interested in only that thing? Yes this works and feels natural, less strained and leads much more quickly to enjoyment (so far)

I will continue to experiment with this - its very interesting stuff.

[Bill H]

OK this is interesting - apparently there is no way to avoid the maps... I prefer to use the breath with a loose focus, no words and a wide peripheral awareness that lets everything in (trying to focus in seems to add aversion anyway) and let the rest of experience do what it will, which is 'the maps' - it just seems alot easier to keep grounded that way, 3C's of the rest of experience happen on their own in their own time and so do the shifts... I was fooling myself thinking I was somehow avoiding them.

[Bill H]

Learning that the *way* I breath has a similar impact on the nervous system as smiling - its a reverse feedback mechanism. If There is lots of anxiety, I can calm the system down by simply directing the breath to move in a way that would be normal if I was very calm. The nervous system seems to be able to pick up on this cue and can follow the breath back to a less stressed place. Its going to take alot of work to see when this is useful, when it works, and when it doesn't.

[Bill H]

Came up with a method that seems to release the energy of stored emotions, initially as emotion and then as a 'shudder' of sorts -

concentrate for a while until difficult tension arises as it likes to do... Looking into the middle of the tension I see there is some sort of repeated self-image, an image of being terrified or of being worthless, or sad, or hurt in some way, whatever... I look briefly at the image and then verbally "not me" or "this image is not who I am" - and not in a 3C way, in a sortof refuting any belief in the image way.. Curious - will have to compare this to what my somatic experiencing guy tells me to do to see if it has similar effects.

[Bill H]

Seems to *really* help in resolving the tensions and allowing for more stable concentration on the cushion.. Staying with breath anchored on hara and broad to include whole body, adjusting the breath to make it pleasant... OK for a bit then wild tension arises in the head, I spot the self image behind it and 'this isn't true, this image is not who I am' - allows the tension to release - I used to note these things all the time but the tension wouldn't release. We will see if this is a one off or not.

[Bill H]

not working as well as it did yesterday, which I expect - adding to the toolbox though.

One thing very odd is that the initial instructions that I am working on with my somatic guy are similar to actualism inspired practice, that is when I am 'activated' in the body with anxiety I am to look around in the environment for something the eye is interested in and look at it in a way that is like the eye 'feeling the object' - then when I feel like it I can go back to a calmer body (still agitated somewhat) and apparently sometimes I will experience the 'anxiety' with the same kind of purer, interested awareness- its entirely a different way to experience the sensation, the mind doesn't have space to react to it.

[Bill H]

Been doing lots of metta (as samatha) - using TWIM technique. Interesting that the metta energy *wants* to clean out the head area. I can do LK from the chest but after a bit anxiety/instability will build up and the energy *must* do something up top - so I switch objects to all beings, all space, all directions and the energy will rise up through the neck into the head, where it feels different, like a happyness which is radiating outwards - allows my brain to slowly become more comfortable resting in that area which usually is very difficult. Then *sometimes* the energy will change to compassion and flow out the top - if I do this the anxiety energy which would come from doing breathing or metta from the chest only is 'used up' somehow. - In fact more than once I have had the energy get all the way up there and then on its own pull all the way back down into the chest, like it just needed to stretch its limits. Interesting stuff, and the sits are starting to get much more tranquil allowing the energy to rise and do what it wants to. It takes some shifting of the object though and there is much less 'self' when it is up in the head - I think this is the energetic equivalent of doing a Jhanic Arc.

Oh yeah - I learned the hard way that doing metta while in a dream is probably not a good idea.

[Bill H]

apparently if I practice enough days in a row I will end up in territory where the *only* practice possible is some form of noting - I guess its up to me to decide if/when I do one or the other. Slowly whittling away at the beliefs I seem to have about being able to choose which direction things go in.

[Bill H]

Been bouncinng around a bit, mostly samatha practice, not working very well on cushion, seems easiest off cushion, while doing a slower outloud noting seems to bring the most 'relief' on cushion, not sure why but its like something needs to work its way up and if I don't do some insight it just festers and builds up painfully for some reason. Nostril breath off cushion helps stabilize quickly and be more functional.

Somatic experiencing is a very interesting form of therapy. its all about allowing the trapped emotion-thoughts to surface and be experienced in a way that releases the energy somehow - its not easy for me to get a handle on so it will take some time. its difficult for certain tensions to relax.