Goal: stream entry
Result: epic win. But no stream entry
Day 0
Arrived in the early afternoon full of energy, and even when the retreat was starting formally at 6PM, I used the extra time before that for walking meditation with the intention to set up some good momentum for continuous attention throughout dinner, which wasn't to be held in silence. Noting out loud for 45 minutes with good flow, with much pressure at the right temple and vibrating visual field towards the last half of the walk.
Hard to keep attention continuous through dinner and improving slightly during the dharma talk later. Sat for 45 minutes after that, with fireworks similar to the walk towards the end.
Day 1
The general feeling of this day was that of a struggle. Started the day with some samatha and was able to get into a strong 1st and 2nd jhanas, and then didn't try to go further on the samatha side so I started noting. The energy ran out very soon, and I found myself battling sleepiness and dreaminess big time, during most of the sits. To top it all, I decided that during the rest period after lunch I'd use the time to do walking meditation. About the worst thing I could have done for my energy. The walks were relatively mindful but still much more distracted than I would have liked. No recognisable progression through the ñanas.
Day 2
Woke up with much more energy, and most meditations were spent in good mindfulness, but still was sloppy off the cushion. Good concentration up to 2nd jhana in the first sit. Then did pure vipassana and managed to climb up the ñanas throughout the morning, at the apparent pace of one vipassana jhana per period of practice (30 minutes). Also used the rest period after lunch to do walking meditation. The sit after that was very sleepy, but only for that sit. Mindfulness good, and for the rest of the day I kept feeling strong pressure at both temples, intense tension at the third eye area and also a lot of tingling at the crown that soon morphed into pressure, like someone trying to drill a hole into it. In one of the last sits I felt this sucking sensation under the crown. All this activity was met with much excitement and the heart was often beating very fast when the energetic activity at the crown unfolded. Lots of Path thoughts, progress thoughts, and trying to figure out what is missing from my investigation before I can get Path. Spending some time caught in trains of thought about that before reacting and noting them as just one more phenomenon. Beating myself up after reacting to them, but that bit was seen immediately. Towards the end of the day, concentration waned somewhat and I found myself wandering in thoughts about random stuff. But path thoughts and frustration about not getting it were big.
As an aside, since about two months ago, pretty much ALL of my sittings feature a thought about different moments of my trip to Dublin in February last year. It wasn't an important trip for me, it lasted only a weekend, and I never think about it off the cushion, it's just something random that comes up. I've done other weekend trips but they never appear during my sits. It's so random. The retreat included its fair share of them.
Day 3
I woke up full of energy after a pleasant night's rest and noted from the moment I woke up for the first time. It was really easy to do it, as the thoughts at that time were so gross and obvious. Got into the first sit while already noting, and I got the same pattern of sensations described in Day 2, but less intense and with extra warmth added on the whole left side of the face. Path thoughts were less pervasive and I felt more accepting of reality just the way it was. At 11 I had my only individual interview with the teacher, where I described my experiences and striving and asked "what's missing from my practice to get Stream Entry", to which he answered "what's missing from the present moment?" and "see if you can balance your thoughts on the future and the developmental approach with more of a sense of acceptance of what is already here", and finally recommended I do a longer retreat. I took in really deeply his advice on letting go, although my initial thought about it was "but I'm going for stream entry not rigpa!". During the rest of the day I gradually let go of my intention to "get" Path and the mind grew increasingly separate from those thoughts. Path thoughts kept arising, but I wasn't invested in them any longer. Together with this, more thoughts started to arise about the after-retreat life. By the time I fully internalised this acceptance, my mindfulness was already getting weaker. Physical sensations towards the middle and end of this day were of the same type and intensity as on Day 2. The were quite a few moments when I asked myself, both during and outside meditation, what was missing from the present moment, and I found all was perfect. A few seconds later, a nagging mind thread would kick off along the lines of "isn't that called Conformity? Why am I not enlightened yet?". That thought took progressively longer to arise as the day went on.
Day 4
Very little (around 45 minutes) formal meditation and silence broke quite early, so little to comment at this point. Integrating the effects. Mainly, craving for Path has diminished noticeably. It is still desired by the thinking mind, but the gut has definitely let go of it at some level. Unsure about the extent of this letting go, and the extent of just scripting it because I rationally know it's needed, but I guess time will tell.
End of the retreat report.
Some overly intellectual reflections on what I thought was a requirement for Path, spun on purpose when in bed after my last meditation yesterday (also lying down in bed, a nice samatha practice which helps greatly for sleep when not sleepy) :
1. Continuity of attention (source: http://www.dharmaoverground.org/web/gue ... ge_2468896 ). I initially aimed hardcore for 100% mindfulness throughout the day and all I got is burnout. I realised I needed to be gentle, even at the expense of some lapses. But then I got more lapses than I would have liked.
2. Trying to figure out what core process of the mind I hadn't noticed yet (source: http://www.dharmaoverground.org/web/gue ... ge/2472907 , search for "land a Fruition"). That led me to intellectual, conceptual enquiry, but I couldn't find any way to do a direct investigation of that question.
3. Balance concentration and investigation while powering up both of them with energy.
4. Letting go.
5. Particular experiences, like energy patterns shifting from the third eye area to the crown (got quite a bit of those, see various practice logs in DhO around Hi EQ) and seeing the mind inclining to investigate the empty parts during the vibrations, like silences while the hearing is vibrating or dark frames while the visual field is flashing (got a little of those as well during day 3 but could as well have scripted them massively. Source: http://alohadharma.wordpress.com/the-map/equanimity-2/ , see "tapping").
6. An amazing insight (source: http://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/auth ... tml#ch6.12 , and also various practice logs). But also some other logs don't feature this, so I wonder if it's universal and fixed at ~15 minutes before the Path moment.
It seems to me that 1, 2, 3 or 4 or some combination of them is required for Path, but I'm not sure what the relative importance of each is. And that 5 and 6 are just markers expected to arise en route to Path, and one can't do anything direct to experience them, they are just byproducts of this development. But I'm not sure if they are necessary, sufficient or both, for a Path moment to occur.
Reflect less and note more? Maybe. But also figuring these things out intellectually will help me better understand how to best allocate these efforts.
