NickP's practice notes

[NickP]

2013-02-25

Just sat for an hour, and this sit felt insightful. I realised that all the time while I meditate, there’s a background thread going on in the mind, monitoring the stuff that comes up, clinging to things it considers progress (like vibrations, as MCTB and many practice threads point out), while shying away from things not considered progress. It’s like an overlay for the default mode of clinging to the pleasant/feeling aversion for the unpleasant. All pleasant, neutral and unpleasant things can be/not be considered progress and this is an additional clinging/aversion factor. This thread is trying to relate every single sensation to the maps. So subtly, so hard to see it’s there at all.

A good part of this hour was spent in an unorthodox, bespoke technique. Finding threads like the one described above, and letting go. Finding craving and aversion for sensations, and letting go. And when I finally let go of the mapping thread which was working on the right temple pressure (which came back with a vengeance, BTW), I allowed myself to feel it fully. And the feeling of it felt so much truer than before. Didn’t get into any kind of concentrated state, just fed the third-eye tension for a few minutes at a time but didn’t break through it.

[NickP]

2013-02-28

Been sitting consistently lately, I think I’m just emerging from a couple days of Reobs.

I was irritated at everything, on the cushion and off, and even though I kept thinking “this is Reobs, this is Reobs” whenever something annoying appeared (rather, whenever annoyance appeared at an object), it still felt real. Also, it was easy to get carried away (in thought only, not in speech/action) if I forgot for a while that this pattern of reactions is to be expected in Reobs.

Just sat for 45 minutes, energy was high even when it wasn’t at the highest after the work day. A lot of calm at the end, and the energy ran out and I started getting more intermittent in my out-loud noting. During those last 15 minutes, whenever I wasn’t noting aloud, the mind stepped into dreaminess. Didn’t like that.

Also, I’ve struggled with the question “so what else needs to be objectified?”. And the answers given in http://www.dharmaoverground.org/web/guest/discussion/-/message_boards/message/4029727 and http://www.dharmaoverground.org/web/guest/discussion/-/message_boards/message/2472907, “the vipassana-izing mind”, “the sensations that make up attention itself” still don’t make sense intuitively. Although I can grasp the concepts, I can’t see how I could perceive them directly or note them.

[NickP]

2013-03-05

I’ve kept consistency, as in, I’ve meditated every day for at least 45 minutes. I got a little bit less strict on what I count as meditation though. For instance, on Saturday I guided a meditation for someone else for 45 minutes, and I counted that. It felt like meditation, but nowhere near as concentrated as when I’m doing my own thing. If I do 3×15 minutes, that still counts, but I know that 1×45 is/feels usually much more productive.

With this somewhat flaky discipline, concentration levels have gone down. Haven’t been getting into any clear jhana for the past few days. Have used out-loud noting for a little less than half of the time spent practicing. I’ve seen a lot of off-cushion cycling, identifying the stages clearly: have seen A&P, have seen DN, have seen EQ. On the cushion though, it’s much harder to map, and not much seems to happen.

The mind is way more distracted/distractable these days, and every meditation seems to be an endless and boring repetition of the same notes: the same 5 or 6 physical things, the 3 vedanas, then mind states that don’t seem to be associated with or influenced meditation, and thoughts which are much more mundane, about my daily life. It feels like you could ask a random Joe who doesn’t meditate, ask him to note for a few minutes, and he’ll come with the same notes. Well, except for some physical stuff (pressure in the right temple, the pleasant adrenaline node between the eyes, the vibrations in random places in the body, and the itches that turn vibratory when focused on).

An intuitive insight today from my walking meditation: I’ve seen how much effort I’m putting all the time, to master this whole meditation thing. I need to relax more, and allow stuff to happen. That’s what I did in the next sit 10 minutes later, and I completely spaced out/fell into dreaminess. That begs the question, how to allow more and do less, while keeping alive the effort that prevents sleepiness from setting in. My tentative answer is, catch up on sleep. I’ll do exactly that.

[NickP]

2013-03-06

Today practiced 15 minutes at lunchtime in the office, then 45 minutes after work, also in the office. Logistics to sit undisturbed at home are going to be a concern for the next couple of weeks, so I think I’ll do it in the office when I can.

In the second sit, felt a significant shift compared to the recent ones. I felt a lot easier to allow things to happen, and when the mind tried to control, to master, to attain, I just noted it and kept in “allowing mode”. It’s been at least a week since the last one where I felt this. Energy was just high enough to allow that mode to get sustained, the out-loud noting to be continuous (1 note every ~3 seconds, with a few 30-second bursts of >1 note per second). I still noted lots of physical sensations and few mind states, but it felt right, there was no forcing. In the last 15 minutes, energy started to run out and I spaced out, felt dreamy and might have even nodded off. After the sit felt very much “nothing to do, nowhere to go”-like and there was no anxiety in the way of “I’m not perceiving the right stuff, I’m not investigating reality the right way, or as hard as I could”.

Subtly clinging to this state.

[NickP]

2013-03-10

Discipline still good, managed never to get below 45 minutes a day, even on hectic days.

Today I practiced for 3 hours, with this schedule:

60 minutes jhana practice, sitting
30 minutes noting, walking
30 minutes noting, sitting
45 minutes noting, walking
20 minutes choiceless noticing, sitting

It feels it’s been so long since I had done formal jhana practice, and I realised how much I’m shying away from it at it seems a waste of time compared to pure insight. I’ve seen so many people saying they landed Path without good concentration, that it feels that the dry approach has its merits.

The jhana practice was very productive though slightly harder to map than usual. Jhanas progressing 1J–>2J?–>???–>4J, as in, no doubts regarding 1J and 4J, but the middle ones were hard to identify by their factors.

During the vipassana practice, I noticed vibrations varying in intensity throughout. Specific spots in the body were vibrating almost all the time, while others had vibrating spots appearing and disappearing. The sense of sight seemed to vibrate also, noticeable during the walking, and the hearing sometimes vibrated but to a lesser extent. Distractability is still relatively high, I think some more jhana practice is in order to stabilise that on a more productive level. Ability to note mind state is still a weak point.

[NickP]

2013-03-11

Today I had a sit that blew my mind, one with the heart racing and the mind anticipating a path moment (jumping the gun). It’s been a while since I had a sit like that. It’s funny, but it happened after I understood that noting is not THE way to go (as I induced from here), it’s just one practice with its merits but one that needs to be used when it’s appropriate, rather than always. In the last month I tried to use noting almost exclusively, with poor results: feeling farther than before from SE, getting fewer sits where progression through ñanas is clear, getting poorer concentration, etc.

I’m confused about the merits of noting when it doesn’t feel right. And I’m confused about which is a better marker of progress: an hour where I’m able to note (or follow the breath, or whatever) nonstop, or an hour during which I see a clear progressions through the ñanas and finish the sit seeing everything vibrate, lapses notwithstanding. I’ve heard arguments for both of them, and my intuition says that the latter is more reliable. But it might be scripting.

After giving up noting as “the” technique, and only using it when it feels right, I think I can progress faster. Maybe spending some more time noting on average than before post #1214, but not nearly as much as after it.

[NickP]

2013-03-11 reply from JLaurelC

Okay, NickP, I am going to answer you. The first thing I’m going to say is that your diligence and perseverance with the practice is absolutely amazing. I remember myself from my own SE days and the seeker was on all the time, in high gear. You are doing exactly what one does. The ups and downs are all there. You are working your little heart out with the noting. I would suggest that you could, at the point where phenomena are just arising and passing with amazing rapidity, or the vibrations are happening, just sit back and watch. SE may come if you’re a little “lazier”–meaning, pushing yourself not so hard. If noting doesn’t feel right, for example, then try not doing it. What’s the worst thing that can happen? You’ll have just sat there for an hour. It’s not the end of the world. Or else maybe the practice will just take over and you can let it do itself.

A more advanced yogi than I once told me not to be too concerned about sleepiness. When you’re first starting out, trying to get a practice going, it’s just plain torpor, and you need to find ways of combating it to get into the game. But once you’ve been doing the kind of quality work you’re doing, going under here and there and then re-emerging is fine. I do it all the time. Sometimes I push myself a bit to get out, but it’s better if I just let go. Sooner or later I resurface. If I’m really tired, then I need the sleep. If my energy is too low for the level of concentration I’m getting, then what I need to do is some energetic practice, like qi gong, to get it revved up. I had my acupuncturist work on me after I got back from a brief retreat in which I was sleepy a lot of the time. Low energy responds to diet and exercise and all that good stuff.

I hope this helps. SE has a way of sneaking up on you, so give yourself over to the process and let it happen. As for memories of the past: that happened to me too; I’d get flashbacks to weird times in my life that I hadn’t thought of in years. It’s interesting to see what the mind comes up with. All the best to you.

[NickP]

2013-03-11 reply from JLaurelC

I skimmed your last post too quickly about the noting–it seems you’ve arrived at that conclusion yourself. I second that emotion.

[NickP]

2013-03-13

Thanks for the encouragement. Much appreciated.

Just sat for 15minutes, lunchtime at work. Clear progression through the ñanas up to dissolution, might have gotten all the way up but unclear. Insight of the sit: around the last couple minutes I realised that I have a subtle fear of SE. Time to let go of it.

[NickP]

2013-03-13, later

Since I gave up noting as the foremost technique, I’m finding it easier to stay mindful off the cushion. I also have less need for sleep, higher energy overall, and no aversion to sitting, whereas before it felt more like a chore (not too much, but noticeably so). Consequently, sits have been longer, now I set the timer for 60 minutes instead of 45 if life affords. Sits are less dominated by physical sensations and progress through the ñanas is a bit clear, though it used to be clearer at some point in the past.

Just sat for an hour. Very little impatience, or desire to check the timer, until the last few minutes. Progress through the ñanas clear up to reobs, reached around 20 minutes into the sit, and I think that ñana was the cutting edge of the sit. The last half an hour was dominated by anticipation, with the heart thumping badly all the while. Not particularly fast, but very strongly. This got annoying and scary soon enough, and I started to feel strong aversion to it. I tried to accept, let go, see it clearly and make friends with this sensation but to no avail. The aversion was there all the time. Time to accept that I can’t just decide to let go, and expect the mind to comply with my will. To give this process more time to unfold, until EQ arrives without any special fanfare or expectations. Things got very vibratory early in the sit and never stopped, particularly my whole right hand and forearm, and my right foot. Those were vibrating all the time, while other spots vibrated on and off. No noticeable vibrations in other sense doors. During the last half an hour, I got distracted with increasingly longer trains of thought during which I wasn’t mindful.

I still consider it a good sit, and I like the current momentum better than anything I had last week.