NickP's practice notes

[NickP]

Relaxing the grip on looking for results, and channeling that effort onto my investigation.

Basically the flaw I had in Low EQ which got me stuck for a few months was that at that point my meditation was heavy on mapping thoughts, on thinking that the technique was wrong or that I wasn't doing it right at that stage. Also, I had found it so easy to space out and just float about in that cloud of OK-ness that the investigation often lost fuel fast in the face of added effort. The energy I needed to maintain the acuity in my investigation through Low EQ only became available when I consciously stopped worrying about technique and results.

[NickP]

Being tired so often isn't a good recipe for progress in meditation. One of the five controlling faculties is sorely missing and I need to figure out my sleep schedule for real.

Feeling pretty unenlightened and often feeling down for no reason, and on the cushion it feels like I can only muster enough energy to keep mindfulness for the first 10 minutes before I start daydreaming and even nodding off.

Just sat for 45 minutes. This time I was well rested so keeping mindfulness was less of a struggle, having one fewer problem to battle with. Nice warmth around the brow after the first few minutes. Good periods of like five minutes of trance-like "pleasure", once having no thoughts arising, once feeling like perfectly mindful and seeing every single thought arising in an obvious way, once feeling disconnected from my senses and body. Noting still loses its fuel fast but I didn't find aversion to it this time, it just drops. Towards the end, I felt peaceful, more "integrating" and with subtle vibrations at the brow superimposed with the pleasant tension that was there from the beginning of the sit. And feeling aconstant, inconspicuous tension at the crown that went away as soon as I ended the sit. Big tendency throughout, to pay attention to the visual field.

[NickP]

These days sits fall into one of two categories. In some cases I start with shit energy and spend the first 10 minutes in some pre-jhanic bliss and the rest of the sit going back and forth between being embedded in daydreaming and paying some attention to the process of daydreaming. In some other cases I start with good energy, spend the first 10 minutes in some pre-jhanic bliss and the rest of the sit going back and forth between paying attention to the breath and paying attention to the sensate field, going up the arc up to some form of equanimity without actively mapping the climb in real time. Feeling that there is progress but at the same time feeling stuck or trapped by having a very unclear cutting edge.

[NickP]

It's been a while. These days my sits are pretty uneventful, and I've even had problems keeping to a daily practice. Last week I even skipped 3 days in a row. Overall, until this last week, I was meditating around 80% of the days.
This last Monday I had a session with Ron, a bit overdue since my practice felt like losing momentum fast. He advised me, unsurprisingly, to get back to a daily practice of at least half an hour a day. He also told me to get back to the noting technique rather than just dwelling in awareness or going back and forth between dwelling peacefully and being lost in thought. Mapping-wise, he told me I've probably been going through a late phase of Review B in the last couple of months, and now things are just calming down and becoming uneventful as I settle into the early ñanas of the 2nd path.
This week I kept a daily practice of half an hour a day, except yesterday, which I "made up" with a 1-hour sit just now. Not many things going on, phenomena are muffled, or mild. Some fine mild vibrations at the fingers and some flashing in the visual field. These days, briefly seeing full, detailed random images of things (objects, faces, memories) is becoming common, something that only started happening a couple weeks ago. Towards the end of the sit I had something I'd call an "unusual rapture" in which the area surrounding my eyes felt quite warm and I visually and "energetically" felt like the top of my head was very wide. Part of it reminded me of a fruition entrance, but not quite so. Strange stuff, not paying much heed to it.

[NickP]

Still struggling to "take off". So far I've managed to sit almost every day for at least half an hour but sits are boring and I feel like I'm getting nowhere. They come in three kinds: low energy, high energy concentration and high energy insight.
Low energy means I tend to get nowhere, just very distracted with occasional episodes of good attention.
High energy concentration means I get somewhere jhanic and stay there. It's nice, but I haven't gotten anywhere near the breathtaking, world-paralyzing laser-pointed jhanas I used to get into.
High energy insight means I can note steadily for the duration of the sit at one note every 2 or 3 seconds (any faster and I end up exhausted and stopping the noting early), but what I note is often boring. When I get into a groove while noting it becomes self-sustaining for a short while but usually it is an exercise that consumes quite a bit of energy. Things don't feel vibratory or expansive or painful, just dull.
The motivation to practice is quite low, my mood feels very normal, more stable than I've been in a while, and I feel stuck. My need for sleep and the quality of it have both stabilised as well at quite normal levels. It is as if I lost my track and am not sure how to get to the next stage (A&P if I got my map right), or if it will appear out of the blue just by keeping to this sloppy practice. The amount of energy seems to dictate the overall mood of the day, and that is usually determined by how much I slept the night before.

[Russell]

More details other than dull can help. What phenomenon are you noting when you are noting?

[NickP]

I usually note physical sensations, they seem to be the only obvious things. Some flashing in the visual field, fine vibrations in the tips of the fingers, some mild throbbing here and there, some pressure at the right temple, some pleasant tension at the brow, nothing very intense. Thoughts often slip past me these days, but when I catch them it's more of the usual stuff, planning, remembering, daydreaming, etc. Vedanas and feelings are far from the foregroud of attention.
From what I saw in the last couple of weeks, I do get "somewhere" when I sit continuously for half an hour. During the week that's all I can afford to sit, maybe on some weekends I'll have a whole hour to spare. So far I have been doing mostly 15+15 minutes per day and even sometimes skipping whole days but I realised that's not going to get me anywhere. I need to try and sit for 30 straight minutes every day. When I do that, after 20 minutes or so my attention will go to a visual feature and when I get a glimpse of that I'll land in a sudden almost-too-pleasant one-pointed rapture with the attention centered in the visual field and the pleasure centered in the brow that lasts 2 or 3 minutes and vanishes gradually. At the same time I kind of become a detached observer of that rapture. That seems like "somewhere", so let's see what it becomes when I get to a better daily discipline.
At some level, I'm kind of disappointed that I seem to have lost my ability to get into jhana.

[NickP]

These days I'm not settling for 15-minute sessions anymore, they are a waste of time at this stage. It's either 30+-minute sessions or skip the day. The technique is counting breaths 5x10 times and then noting. If energy is low, then I still try to note as best as I can, though I'll lose track or start to nod off at some point. Not doing jhana practice either.
And things are starting to change. I'm getting earlier and more intense raptures, apparent both in the mind and the body. In the mind, because it's a bit easier to stay focused on them. In the body, because now I feel strong pressure on both temples while I'm in that state. And the overall mood during the day, comparing at equal levels of energy, is noticeably better than a few weeks ago. Noting is getting a bit easier, I have a bit less aversion to sitting, feel less of an urgency to check the timer, and I'm again starting to prioritise meditation compared to other stuff (a bit).
Today I meditated for half an hour and then went to the gym. While I was lifting some weights in an exercise that usually makes me suffer a great deal, it dawned on me: I so happen to not suffer as much if I concentrate in the present moment while I do it, on the present repetition. That, rather than worrying about how many reps I've got left. And then it was effortless for a while, and I kind of understood what some people over here meant when they said they were trapped in the present moment. It's a nice place to be in. Then that eventually vanished and I went back to the usual dukkha mode.

[NickP]

I took a break from meditation for around a month, and have restarted about a week ago. I've had some visits at my place and have gone on vacations too, all the while enjoying little privacy and having a tighter schedule than usual.
Motivation to practice is low, but then all is fine when I sit, given enough energy. So far I haven't figured how to make a productive when I'm sleepy, but at least it helps me get to sleep faster and more relaxed. Unlike my pre-path (or pre-break?) experience, meditation appears to have no influence on my attitude or worldview, and probably that doesn't do a lot for motivation.
Today I sat for half an hour and it felt like progressing through the ñanas up to Fear. Their phenomenology is similar to before the break, but without the pressure at the temples, with some more pleasant tension at the brow, and less vibratory.

[NickP]

I wonder how to get the old motivation back if there's so much that is good about life. There's this nagging feeling that what needs to be done isn't done by any measure, yet, its intensity stays below the level I'd feel as "suffering".
The remaining dukkha I see is in the form of my automated behaviours. I carry on doing things that don't bring peace, and the flow of thoughts or actions isn't interrupted by a moment of mindfulness and clarity to cut the toxic chain. But still, it doesn't feel bad enough as to do something.

That must be why I've been meditating so little lately. Around half an hour once a week. And no matter how little I meditate, once I start doing it piti & sukha come fairly fast. And then the lack of practice shows, and the focus on the present moment diminishes, replaced by distractions more and more as the session goes on.