Rod's Practice Journal
Re: Rod's Practice Journal
by Rod1 » Sat Jun 15, 2013 3:09 am
Decided to stop logging for a while. I think I am just picking up the new path now and things are pretty slow and uneventful. Continuing with same practice regime as before stream entry except now with formless jhanas as well. So when I reach a notable change or become confused, will start logging again.
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Rod1 - Posts: 89
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Re: Rod's Practice Journal
by Rod1 » Thu Jul 18, 2013 3:01 am
General Notes 26/06/2013
Over the past few weeks, I have continued to meditate twice daily for about an hour each session with additional meditation over night if/when I have woken up. Noting practice has been patchy through the day. I continue to utilise jhanas and although have explored the formless jhana territory, continue to frequent 4th jhana.
Most notable phenomena was a couple of weeks ago I was hovering in formless jhanas (5th I think) and during this, awareness or energy started darting around my experience of sensations - it was as if I was aware of all sensations as they were happening. This was very high speed and persisted for about 24 hrs. Whilst awake and not meditating I was aware of it happening just below the surface of awareness, and when meditating it was the main event and I watched it and it was like the tail end of every sensation was being tagged by my awareness and accompanying this was a very fine vibratory energy moving around the body. Not sure what this was - I have not experienced it before.
The other notable experience was last weekend, having a dull headache (as if hungover) in the morning after meditating. Doesn't happen usually.
Practice is of poorer quality than what I was doing prior to SE shift (concentration lower) and not utilising daily activities as opportunity to practice/dis-embed as much.
I do have alot more energy and don't get as tired at the end of each day however I think I have been taking advantage of that just to do more work which in turn has knocked my practice a bit. Shyness has dropped off quite a bit.
General attitude is basically happy, great sense of well being with significantly reduced stress levels most notable in situations that I know have caused lots of stress previously. There are periods where I feel very happy on the verge of breaking into laughter lasting for several hours, always have been a pretty happy sort of person but now this seems to have been accentuated and laughter is just that, rather than being motivated by cynicism (or based on typically Australian sarcastic humour). I sometimes also can sometimes see situations where there normally would be frustration or sadness but it doesn't stick or resonate so I move on. Who knows if this will last or what changes will occur but this is has been the state of my experience over the past few weeks.
This territory is still unfolding and forming in many subtle ways - lots of different perspectives on every day situations. This feels wholesome and is interesting.
Over the past few weeks, I have continued to meditate twice daily for about an hour each session with additional meditation over night if/when I have woken up. Noting practice has been patchy through the day. I continue to utilise jhanas and although have explored the formless jhana territory, continue to frequent 4th jhana.
Most notable phenomena was a couple of weeks ago I was hovering in formless jhanas (5th I think) and during this, awareness or energy started darting around my experience of sensations - it was as if I was aware of all sensations as they were happening. This was very high speed and persisted for about 24 hrs. Whilst awake and not meditating I was aware of it happening just below the surface of awareness, and when meditating it was the main event and I watched it and it was like the tail end of every sensation was being tagged by my awareness and accompanying this was a very fine vibratory energy moving around the body. Not sure what this was - I have not experienced it before.
The other notable experience was last weekend, having a dull headache (as if hungover) in the morning after meditating. Doesn't happen usually.
Practice is of poorer quality than what I was doing prior to SE shift (concentration lower) and not utilising daily activities as opportunity to practice/dis-embed as much.
I do have alot more energy and don't get as tired at the end of each day however I think I have been taking advantage of that just to do more work which in turn has knocked my practice a bit. Shyness has dropped off quite a bit.
General attitude is basically happy, great sense of well being with significantly reduced stress levels most notable in situations that I know have caused lots of stress previously. There are periods where I feel very happy on the verge of breaking into laughter lasting for several hours, always have been a pretty happy sort of person but now this seems to have been accentuated and laughter is just that, rather than being motivated by cynicism (or based on typically Australian sarcastic humour). I sometimes also can sometimes see situations where there normally would be frustration or sadness but it doesn't stick or resonate so I move on. Who knows if this will last or what changes will occur but this is has been the state of my experience over the past few weeks.
This territory is still unfolding and forming in many subtle ways - lots of different perspectives on every day situations. This feels wholesome and is interesting.
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Rod1 - Posts: 89
- Joined: Thu Mar 14, 2013 6:24 am
Re: Rod's Practice Journal
by Rod1 » Thu Jul 18, 2013 3:02 am
Practice Update 29/06/2013
Interesting - every time I want to write something, the urge and reason seems to dissolve and I am left with nothing but the words ‘it doesn’t matter’. So unless documenting actual facts (which also see little point to now) insights seem to evaporate and I just laugh at it. Feel so unqualified and unknowledgeable to be able to say much about anything at all which makes me feel more like an idiot which I think is pretty funny and I am not sure why
Nevertheless, trying to write something now as a record of information that may be useful to others who may find themselves at a similar stage in their path sometime.
Phenomena-wise, experiencing A&P/2nd Jhana-type shimmering vibratory energy a lot – whilst meditating I can sit in it for the whole session (60 mins) without going to a jhana state. During the day it’s just ‘below the surface’ and pretty easy to experience at will. So I watch it. Still feeling a lot of joy and once again its pretty easy to get into a state of wonder at just being alive. The need to know where I am (progress-wise) has greatly diminished now too. Just seem happy to watch and experience. Noting where I can but more noticing of mindstates, thoughts etc. Thoughts seem to be the frontier of effort at the moment – recognizing them as lots of bubbles descending though me and noticing how I seem to poke my attention into the bubbles and get lost in the ‘bubble world’ of the thought until I recognize it and pull up out of it again – its really like getting mesmerized.
I had to fire someone at work yesterday and had little warning about it. Of course it was not pleasant and I watched my reaction to the usual contextual triggers of such a situation. I could see the expectation of how I should feel but there was not the stomach churning and stress and dread etc. There was a lot of empathy that I had to control since I felt like giving the person a hug and convincing them that it wasn’t the end of the world etc. even though I was the one sacking them and they had been pretty dishonest leading to being sacked. Once it was finished, I noticed no great residual affect just a sense of empathy and well wishing for the person.
And so it is..
Interesting - every time I want to write something, the urge and reason seems to dissolve and I am left with nothing but the words ‘it doesn’t matter’. So unless documenting actual facts (which also see little point to now) insights seem to evaporate and I just laugh at it. Feel so unqualified and unknowledgeable to be able to say much about anything at all which makes me feel more like an idiot which I think is pretty funny and I am not sure why
Nevertheless, trying to write something now as a record of information that may be useful to others who may find themselves at a similar stage in their path sometime.
Phenomena-wise, experiencing A&P/2nd Jhana-type shimmering vibratory energy a lot – whilst meditating I can sit in it for the whole session (60 mins) without going to a jhana state. During the day it’s just ‘below the surface’ and pretty easy to experience at will. So I watch it. Still feeling a lot of joy and once again its pretty easy to get into a state of wonder at just being alive. The need to know where I am (progress-wise) has greatly diminished now too. Just seem happy to watch and experience. Noting where I can but more noticing of mindstates, thoughts etc. Thoughts seem to be the frontier of effort at the moment – recognizing them as lots of bubbles descending though me and noticing how I seem to poke my attention into the bubbles and get lost in the ‘bubble world’ of the thought until I recognize it and pull up out of it again – its really like getting mesmerized.
I had to fire someone at work yesterday and had little warning about it. Of course it was not pleasant and I watched my reaction to the usual contextual triggers of such a situation. I could see the expectation of how I should feel but there was not the stomach churning and stress and dread etc. There was a lot of empathy that I had to control since I felt like giving the person a hug and convincing them that it wasn’t the end of the world etc. even though I was the one sacking them and they had been pretty dishonest leading to being sacked. Once it was finished, I noticed no great residual affect just a sense of empathy and well wishing for the person.
And so it is..
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Rod1 - Posts: 89
- Joined: Thu Mar 14, 2013 6:24 am
Re: Rod's Practice Journal
by Rod1 » Thu Jul 18, 2013 3:02 am
Practice Update 03/07/2013
The fine vibrational energy continues but not as strong during meditation as it was a few days ago, however is still there whenever I choose to feel it in daily life. Meditation is becoming easier and usually half way through each session emerges a very still and quiet state. Not using jhanas consciously so much at the moment as it is hard to tell the difference between those states and those without consciously developing them. Joy and the tendency to laugh at most things still prevails.
I am noticing that at this point mind states such as joy and sadness very closely resemble each other - its as if they come from the same base and I am starting to see them closer to the source where their energy characteristics are almost the same. I was reading about a guru called Radha Ma and saw some YouTube videos of her talking. Although she is now revered in India as a Saint, what I saw of her seemed a bit weird - always flanked with wiry Western Guys just hanging out with her all the time. I watched a couple of clips then looked into her background on Wikipedia and found recently she had set herself on fire and died in apparent suicide. It was very disturbing and I felt sadness, watched it and then saw joy come in right after it (not actually joyful at this tragedy) which 'looked' almost the same energy wise. Curious, these various mind states seem to be coming and going irrespective of the context that would normally 'select' or trigger one over another. Both these and other mind states all feel just deeply very similar and so also could result in tears or laughter equally as a physical manifestation but in all cases are seen at a distance now so are not consuming but experienced none the less. Still easy to develop a blissful wonderment at just being alive with the awareness of pent up joy that makes me want to laugh and cry at once. Watching this, I can only see the object of this as just being alive or just being. Its not dependent on a situation as far as I can see but certainly can be catalysed by certain situations such as listening to some music. Not sure this all makes sense or if I have 'kangaroos in my top paddock' ...as a saying here goes but its my experience.
Another point that is becoming evident is that my whole body is really just vibrations - I have felt it for months in varying frequencies (especially with Jhanas) and now it seems to be clear that 'I' am just vibrations, or at least it feels that way - insubstantial, with 'my' boundaries becoming unclear in their distinction from 'other'. There is the feeling that it all might as well just merge and the distinction seems pointless - there is almost an impatience there. There is also a softness of heart that just wants to 'give up', surrender - and the awareness of whatever extent that is not happening is also clearer. Its as if I could just say, 'ok I give up lets just get real now' and that it could just happen...whatever 'happen' means in this case.
And another thing, I noticed particularly at work going through behaviour patterns that actually feel like nothing and the realisation that these are shadows, patterns that have no substance and given that, I appear to be going through the motions because that is what I know to do in certain situations. Its almost as if it would be better to do nothing and say nothing until I 'learn' or understand the 'new real' way to act in those situations rather than just following empty patterns. Very strange
Once again, words are not working too well in explaining experiences etc and so feel pretty inept with the descriptions and the realisation that as soon as I put this down, its inaccurate and really doesn't matter. Laughing again at this weird assed territory these days...
The fine vibrational energy continues but not as strong during meditation as it was a few days ago, however is still there whenever I choose to feel it in daily life. Meditation is becoming easier and usually half way through each session emerges a very still and quiet state. Not using jhanas consciously so much at the moment as it is hard to tell the difference between those states and those without consciously developing them. Joy and the tendency to laugh at most things still prevails.
I am noticing that at this point mind states such as joy and sadness very closely resemble each other - its as if they come from the same base and I am starting to see them closer to the source where their energy characteristics are almost the same. I was reading about a guru called Radha Ma and saw some YouTube videos of her talking. Although she is now revered in India as a Saint, what I saw of her seemed a bit weird - always flanked with wiry Western Guys just hanging out with her all the time. I watched a couple of clips then looked into her background on Wikipedia and found recently she had set herself on fire and died in apparent suicide. It was very disturbing and I felt sadness, watched it and then saw joy come in right after it (not actually joyful at this tragedy) which 'looked' almost the same energy wise. Curious, these various mind states seem to be coming and going irrespective of the context that would normally 'select' or trigger one over another. Both these and other mind states all feel just deeply very similar and so also could result in tears or laughter equally as a physical manifestation but in all cases are seen at a distance now so are not consuming but experienced none the less. Still easy to develop a blissful wonderment at just being alive with the awareness of pent up joy that makes me want to laugh and cry at once. Watching this, I can only see the object of this as just being alive or just being. Its not dependent on a situation as far as I can see but certainly can be catalysed by certain situations such as listening to some music. Not sure this all makes sense or if I have 'kangaroos in my top paddock' ...as a saying here goes but its my experience.
Another point that is becoming evident is that my whole body is really just vibrations - I have felt it for months in varying frequencies (especially with Jhanas) and now it seems to be clear that 'I' am just vibrations, or at least it feels that way - insubstantial, with 'my' boundaries becoming unclear in their distinction from 'other'. There is the feeling that it all might as well just merge and the distinction seems pointless - there is almost an impatience there. There is also a softness of heart that just wants to 'give up', surrender - and the awareness of whatever extent that is not happening is also clearer. Its as if I could just say, 'ok I give up lets just get real now' and that it could just happen...whatever 'happen' means in this case.
And another thing, I noticed particularly at work going through behaviour patterns that actually feel like nothing and the realisation that these are shadows, patterns that have no substance and given that, I appear to be going through the motions because that is what I know to do in certain situations. Its almost as if it would be better to do nothing and say nothing until I 'learn' or understand the 'new real' way to act in those situations rather than just following empty patterns. Very strange
Once again, words are not working too well in explaining experiences etc and so feel pretty inept with the descriptions and the realisation that as soon as I put this down, its inaccurate and really doesn't matter. Laughing again at this weird assed territory these days...
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Rod1 - Posts: 89
- Joined: Thu Mar 14, 2013 6:24 am
Re: Rod's Practice Journal
by Rod1 » Thu Jul 18, 2013 3:03 am
Practice Update 13/07/2013
So...aaanyway...since last entry, have continued practice but contracted a heavy dose of flu which made things more difficult with fever and associated crazy thinking/delirium, so presented a different dimension to practice. I noticed that previously when sick there arises a fair measure of self pity, this time that was not present, rather just the literal suffering associated with the the symptoms. Getting this flu for the 3rd time is a result of working too much - since the last shift I realised I have more energy and have used that to do more work. Reflecting on this has led me to realise how attached I am to my work/career in terms of identity, sense of achievement and self worth etc. There it is hiding in plain sight. Whilst attachment to work has dropped since SE, it is still there in no small way - it ticks all the conditioning boxes - sense of achievement, identity, the feeling of fixing things, doing something, literally working for something etc. So enquiring into that, watching it, prodding it, finding the hotspots and getting to know them, seeing through them etc.
Started noting alot more now through daily activities to keep the disembedding going. During a couple of meditations I seemed to experience 'near-miss fruitions' or broader fruitions. Haven't naturally had a fruition since about a month after SE (when I thought review finished according to the MCTB model). Currently can induce fruitions if trying to but haven't done that as I prefer to let things unfold more naturally and I am not sure what value fruitions have anyway. After one of these 'fruition' type sensations, vibratory state markedly changed from a very deep state of equanimity to really buzzy erratic energy that persisted for about 12 hours. Thought it might be dark night stage but unless its even shorter than last time, probably something else. Using Jhanas about 50% of the time - mostly 3rd, 4th and beyond but the distinction between them and not jhanas is blurry. Joy is still there but not as effervescent as it was at the time of the last entry.
So...aaanyway...since last entry, have continued practice but contracted a heavy dose of flu which made things more difficult with fever and associated crazy thinking/delirium, so presented a different dimension to practice. I noticed that previously when sick there arises a fair measure of self pity, this time that was not present, rather just the literal suffering associated with the the symptoms. Getting this flu for the 3rd time is a result of working too much - since the last shift I realised I have more energy and have used that to do more work. Reflecting on this has led me to realise how attached I am to my work/career in terms of identity, sense of achievement and self worth etc. There it is hiding in plain sight. Whilst attachment to work has dropped since SE, it is still there in no small way - it ticks all the conditioning boxes - sense of achievement, identity, the feeling of fixing things, doing something, literally working for something etc. So enquiring into that, watching it, prodding it, finding the hotspots and getting to know them, seeing through them etc.
Started noting alot more now through daily activities to keep the disembedding going. During a couple of meditations I seemed to experience 'near-miss fruitions' or broader fruitions. Haven't naturally had a fruition since about a month after SE (when I thought review finished according to the MCTB model). Currently can induce fruitions if trying to but haven't done that as I prefer to let things unfold more naturally and I am not sure what value fruitions have anyway. After one of these 'fruition' type sensations, vibratory state markedly changed from a very deep state of equanimity to really buzzy erratic energy that persisted for about 12 hours. Thought it might be dark night stage but unless its even shorter than last time, probably something else. Using Jhanas about 50% of the time - mostly 3rd, 4th and beyond but the distinction between them and not jhanas is blurry. Joy is still there but not as effervescent as it was at the time of the last entry.
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Rod1 - Posts: 89
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Re: Rod's Practice Journal
by Rod1 » Thu Jul 18, 2013 3:03 am
Practice Update 18/07/13
Over the past week experience has moved from fairly turbulent energy with alot of distraction from thought activity to very calm and deep concentration over the past couple of days. I guess its like EQ but I have no idea where I am on this path so not sure what it is but since work has been particularly stressful as well as being sick last week, I am certainly glad to have such peaceful meditations and calm mind states through the day. Insights are subtle but this morning whilst on the way to work I realised the attention that is given to the thought world over the physical world and that they were all the same and therefore my perspective on them was the same, no difference. It seemed to diminish the importance of thoughts in terms of holding my attention. I also became aware of the whole space around me and that it looked as if people driving and walking were existing in the world almost only on the horizontal plane relative to their height and size. I felt more connected/aware of the whole world experience around me and them. Hard to explain. During meditation I have felt the urge to open and dissolve, strange feeling but it seems to be based on the awareness of no self. Also drawn to very expansive perspectives in meditation - whilst not actively going into jhanic states, it seems that I quickly move to a 4th-5th type state - very expansive and the urge to dissolve into it is there...although I can't quite do it. Instead I tend to become more and more absorbed into the state. Reading back over this, it comes across as pretty spacey and vague but that seems to be the way things are.
Over the past week experience has moved from fairly turbulent energy with alot of distraction from thought activity to very calm and deep concentration over the past couple of days. I guess its like EQ but I have no idea where I am on this path so not sure what it is but since work has been particularly stressful as well as being sick last week, I am certainly glad to have such peaceful meditations and calm mind states through the day. Insights are subtle but this morning whilst on the way to work I realised the attention that is given to the thought world over the physical world and that they were all the same and therefore my perspective on them was the same, no difference. It seemed to diminish the importance of thoughts in terms of holding my attention. I also became aware of the whole space around me and that it looked as if people driving and walking were existing in the world almost only on the horizontal plane relative to their height and size. I felt more connected/aware of the whole world experience around me and them. Hard to explain. During meditation I have felt the urge to open and dissolve, strange feeling but it seems to be based on the awareness of no self. Also drawn to very expansive perspectives in meditation - whilst not actively going into jhanic states, it seems that I quickly move to a 4th-5th type state - very expansive and the urge to dissolve into it is there...although I can't quite do it. Instead I tend to become more and more absorbed into the state. Reading back over this, it comes across as pretty spacey and vague but that seems to be the way things are.
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Rod1 - Posts: 89
- Joined: Thu Mar 14, 2013 6:24 am
Re: Rod's Practice Journal
by Rod1 » Thu Jul 25, 2013 2:48 am
Funny territory these days - lots of little off cushion insights. Its as if there is alot of interesting stuff that I just haven't got around to unwrapping yet. Other insights include all sensory data being perceived as one thing and in one place rather than locationally. There is still alot of joy just below the surface. I have also noticed alot less mental chatter and thoughts through daily life. Alot more just doing and the slight inkling again that there is noone doing it - just an action. Biggest challenge on cushion however has been falling into thoughts a lot but at the same time also seeing them as not so vivid as they used to be - so something going on there. Meditating, I have just got an inkling of no self to a point where I am feeling like all things - very slight inkling that I can't yet hold or develop or go deep enough to grasp. I guess it will develop in time. Its branching off a combination of new meditation territory in the expansive jhana area and also the reducing sense of self that is becoming more familiar. The new territory presents like many layers that if I direct my attention to one and hold it for a while, a 'room' opens up with its own characteristic vibrations and feel and perspective. I guess I am a little curious as to where this all sits in relation to 2nd path or wherever?
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Rod1 - Posts: 89
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Re: Rod's Practice Journal
by Rod1 » Thu Jul 25, 2013 2:49 am
Practice Log Update 25/07/13
Just to update - still meditating for average 60 mins twice a day with longer on weekends, and extra on flights or when I wake up overnight. Not noting much but lots of wide contemplation. Very 'big' awareness over the past few days - meditation sessions are long and big with that urge to just dissolve my form and become all that is around me. The absorption into thoughts is diminishing possibly due to my concentration improving or that thoughts are fading in intensity and ability to draw me in. It feels as if I am seeing the edge of me, an abyss of nothing which brings wonder and delightful panic at once. Joy is always there. I see sadness, loneliness, happiness, excitement but its passing and isn't me, doesn't pull me in. All these insights I have documented over the past few entries vary in intensity over time - they are not permanent and fluctuate but always there if I look. This is all different territory (unrecognisable from before SE path) or maybe I am experiencing the same on another level or from a different perspective as the 4 path model suggests. I would be keen to know if SE was the last definitive milestone I will experience as everything since then has been very unstructured and more like an unfurling rather than stage-based (which is fine - just interested). Just starting 5 weeks holiday which will be a great opportunity to practice more on and off the cushion and get used to this new territory. Lots of singular experiences that could be lots of different things - e.g. I was meditating last night and was somewhere in EQ or formless Jhana - very big awareness that starts almost as soon as I start to meditate and with every strata change in mind induces a momentary dizziness. Things were calm and peaceful then suddenly a whack like a mega fruition hit me like I folded inward and back out in a millisecond. I returned to where I was in meditation and nothing else followed. Strange and unknown phenomena. Based on an experience this week and (as I reflect) possible other experiences previously I am starting to wonder if some extra sensory abilities are developing or if I am becoming more sensitive to subtle things. Certainly noticing alot more coincidences and situations just 'working out' more often in ways I couldn't have picked. I think this is connected with the reduced sense of self - the less 'I' am in the picture, the more these things seem to happen..
Just to update - still meditating for average 60 mins twice a day with longer on weekends, and extra on flights or when I wake up overnight. Not noting much but lots of wide contemplation. Very 'big' awareness over the past few days - meditation sessions are long and big with that urge to just dissolve my form and become all that is around me. The absorption into thoughts is diminishing possibly due to my concentration improving or that thoughts are fading in intensity and ability to draw me in. It feels as if I am seeing the edge of me, an abyss of nothing which brings wonder and delightful panic at once. Joy is always there. I see sadness, loneliness, happiness, excitement but its passing and isn't me, doesn't pull me in. All these insights I have documented over the past few entries vary in intensity over time - they are not permanent and fluctuate but always there if I look. This is all different territory (unrecognisable from before SE path) or maybe I am experiencing the same on another level or from a different perspective as the 4 path model suggests. I would be keen to know if SE was the last definitive milestone I will experience as everything since then has been very unstructured and more like an unfurling rather than stage-based (which is fine - just interested). Just starting 5 weeks holiday which will be a great opportunity to practice more on and off the cushion and get used to this new territory. Lots of singular experiences that could be lots of different things - e.g. I was meditating last night and was somewhere in EQ or formless Jhana - very big awareness that starts almost as soon as I start to meditate and with every strata change in mind induces a momentary dizziness. Things were calm and peaceful then suddenly a whack like a mega fruition hit me like I folded inward and back out in a millisecond. I returned to where I was in meditation and nothing else followed. Strange and unknown phenomena. Based on an experience this week and (as I reflect) possible other experiences previously I am starting to wonder if some extra sensory abilities are developing or if I am becoming more sensitive to subtle things. Certainly noticing alot more coincidences and situations just 'working out' more often in ways I couldn't have picked. I think this is connected with the reduced sense of self - the less 'I' am in the picture, the more these things seem to happen..
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Rod1 - Posts: 89
- Joined: Thu Mar 14, 2013 6:24 am
Re: Rod's Practice Journal
by Rod1 » Sat Aug 03, 2013 3:42 am
Log Update 30/07/2013
4 days into holidays and more practice. More sitting but also greater contemplation and noticing whilst out and about. Concentration is strong as expected with more sitting but not really sure what to do in meditation except explore more expansive states. So pretty much doing nothing except watching. Still thoughts coming and going then a deeper or stronger state when attention pulls out of the thoughts - as if 'snapping out of it'. When meditating or aware of it, sensory stimuli seem to be less locationally based and more able to be just bundled together as sensations on the attention plane. I also was aware when watching people, realising that what I was seeing was the outward manifestation of separateness and I also realised that the same 'energy' (for want of a better word) was underneath everyone and everything. Then I started to wonder if this is how 'saints' or 'enlightened folk' could 'love' everyone - that they were connecting with people on the level of that underlying energy and communicated/activated/stimulated people on that level (which might be why people reported deep loving feelings for such folk...or it could be a placebo of course). That the outer looks, behaviours etc was just 'noise' so to speak.
Seem to be quite fascinated with nature/forms - trees and the complexity of leaves blowing in the wind for example. I have a desktop picture of ocean waves on the shore and the picture has in the foreground the 'boil' of water as the wave has crashed and starts to recede - for some reason I find the visual of the complexity of water and foam fascinating and am drawn to look at it for a long time. Not sure why really. Joy prevails.
Also interested in how to integrate all this into my current life - I was so goal focussed and driven but it seems pointless (not in a negative way - more in a funny way) and lacks meaning. So I am interested in if those who are more awakened have run into these ideas and how they coped with it - however I am not about to run off into the forest.
More 'coincidences' seem to be happening and I also have noticed I am more accepting and trusting that situations will turn out ok - again, less of 'me' in there probably has alot to do with it.
4 days into holidays and more practice. More sitting but also greater contemplation and noticing whilst out and about. Concentration is strong as expected with more sitting but not really sure what to do in meditation except explore more expansive states. So pretty much doing nothing except watching. Still thoughts coming and going then a deeper or stronger state when attention pulls out of the thoughts - as if 'snapping out of it'. When meditating or aware of it, sensory stimuli seem to be less locationally based and more able to be just bundled together as sensations on the attention plane. I also was aware when watching people, realising that what I was seeing was the outward manifestation of separateness and I also realised that the same 'energy' (for want of a better word) was underneath everyone and everything. Then I started to wonder if this is how 'saints' or 'enlightened folk' could 'love' everyone - that they were connecting with people on the level of that underlying energy and communicated/activated/stimulated people on that level (which might be why people reported deep loving feelings for such folk...or it could be a placebo of course). That the outer looks, behaviours etc was just 'noise' so to speak.
Seem to be quite fascinated with nature/forms - trees and the complexity of leaves blowing in the wind for example. I have a desktop picture of ocean waves on the shore and the picture has in the foreground the 'boil' of water as the wave has crashed and starts to recede - for some reason I find the visual of the complexity of water and foam fascinating and am drawn to look at it for a long time. Not sure why really. Joy prevails.
Also interested in how to integrate all this into my current life - I was so goal focussed and driven but it seems pointless (not in a negative way - more in a funny way) and lacks meaning. So I am interested in if those who are more awakened have run into these ideas and how they coped with it - however I am not about to run off into the forest.
More 'coincidences' seem to be happening and I also have noticed I am more accepting and trusting that situations will turn out ok - again, less of 'me' in there probably has alot to do with it.
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Rod1 - Posts: 89
- Joined: Thu Mar 14, 2013 6:24 am
Re: Rod's Practice Journal
by Rod1 » Sat Aug 03, 2013 3:42 am
Log Update 03/08/2013
Meditation practice seems pretty unstructured at the moment - lots of concentration but not much else 'happening'. Concerned I am spacing out as it defaults to very expansive states. I have become more aware of internal chatter and mid wandering, which I pull up from each time. However, it seems to be less of a prevailing force than it was. Its as if I have enough objectivity now to watch it and disregard more easily. I am also watching the silent and still spaces more too. Is this awareness? I watch and learn. Last night was in a very equanimous state and experienced a single strong fruition. Presume this is the same fruition as the SE fruition - have no idea what a 2nd path fruition would be like - same or different. Not even sure I have started on that path yet - definitely in new territory.
Going for walks every day and insights seem to be more obvious during this activity. Doing more serious noting again to keep in the present moment more as its very effective at this and it seems that more structure to practice would be helpful at the moment. Today whilst noting I noticed that everything I saw, heard, smelt, felt had an impression, perception or memory attached to it. I was able to identify each and see this process. A car of a certain type and colour, a painted post, a type of light on the road, a grassy bank....they all had opinions, memories, attitudes attached to them that I could see come up immediately as I experienced the sensory stimulii. This was all noted. I guess this is part of the mind maintaining the cohesive story of identity - linking disparate data with itself (the self) as the central unifying experiencer - the centre point. It was like the game where you say something and someone has to tell you the first thing that comes into their head. I kind of played that today. Still alot of wonderment and joy.
Contemplating the concept of everything being perfect just as it is and using that standpoint (hypothetical in my case) to identify the nature of my dissatisfaction with any particular 'situation' being just as it is. What if I didn't care or mind? Why do I mind? and of course who am I anyway? This is also resonated with my interested in surrender/letting go .
Meditation practice seems pretty unstructured at the moment - lots of concentration but not much else 'happening'. Concerned I am spacing out as it defaults to very expansive states. I have become more aware of internal chatter and mid wandering, which I pull up from each time. However, it seems to be less of a prevailing force than it was. Its as if I have enough objectivity now to watch it and disregard more easily. I am also watching the silent and still spaces more too. Is this awareness? I watch and learn. Last night was in a very equanimous state and experienced a single strong fruition. Presume this is the same fruition as the SE fruition - have no idea what a 2nd path fruition would be like - same or different. Not even sure I have started on that path yet - definitely in new territory.
Going for walks every day and insights seem to be more obvious during this activity. Doing more serious noting again to keep in the present moment more as its very effective at this and it seems that more structure to practice would be helpful at the moment. Today whilst noting I noticed that everything I saw, heard, smelt, felt had an impression, perception or memory attached to it. I was able to identify each and see this process. A car of a certain type and colour, a painted post, a type of light on the road, a grassy bank....they all had opinions, memories, attitudes attached to them that I could see come up immediately as I experienced the sensory stimulii. This was all noted. I guess this is part of the mind maintaining the cohesive story of identity - linking disparate data with itself (the self) as the central unifying experiencer - the centre point. It was like the game where you say something and someone has to tell you the first thing that comes into their head. I kind of played that today. Still alot of wonderment and joy.
Contemplating the concept of everything being perfect just as it is and using that standpoint (hypothetical in my case) to identify the nature of my dissatisfaction with any particular 'situation' being just as it is. What if I didn't care or mind? Why do I mind? and of course who am I anyway? This is also resonated with my interested in surrender/letting go .
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Rod1 - Posts: 89
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