Dan's Practice Journal

[Dan G]

Thank you Ona. Raw and vulnerable seem to describe things well. Somewhat related and something I keep reflecting upon, is that I got to see my extended family at this wedding. When I would look at certain faces, faces I have seen my whole life, it was as if I was seeing them for the first time. In fact, the more I would look at someone's face the more unfamiliar it got. It was kind of bizarre and interesting.

But is interesting that time on the mat is fairly peaceful with this off the mat undercurrent.

Thanks

[Dan G]

7.15.2013

Have increased sit time to about 1:30 the past week. This has happened naturally. Sits seemed to be moving towards more subtlety. I suppose it could be described as more vibratory but not entirely sure. I note it as tingling. A tingling sensation throughout the body. For the first hour, there does not appear to be any pain, itching, etc. Nothing gross. I am continuing to note but it seems hard at this point. I find myself flailing a little. Continue to follow instruction from Ron to continue to note while keeping 3rd sensation in awareness. I am able to do this more. Definitely feel like I am trying to hard at points and noting it. Not daydreaming or getting lost in thought but things seem to be getting dreamy but I am not losing awareness. Hmmm, not sure if I am explaining this well. A certain pressure seems to be present in my skull, behind the eyes. Some tingling on the crown comes and goes during the sit. Sometimes really pleasant and sometimes a sensation of being "open". Will grab my attention but seems to be a hindrance as I immediately start giving it some "spiritual importance." Towards the end of the sit 3rd eye was almost sizzling with sensation and I really wanted to investigate it.

[Dan G]

hour sit

Started with counting of breaths, as usual. By far the most concentrated I feel I have ever been. Really grooving on the breath. Felt so at ease. Not sure what is up but seemed like a significant jump.

Starting insight practice, I feel as though I pick up where I leave off. Don't notice much of a journey through the nanas during the sit. A growing pressure in my head seems to be building or something. It comes and goes in the sits with greater frequency these days. I noticed it a week or two ago and now it seems to build and dissipate several times a sit. Sits do seem to go to a weird place these days and can't quite find the words. Had a few rushes of fear and adrenaline. Continue to note but at times I seem to investigate in a way and forget. Not sure if this is a good thing or not. I do not feel like I am losing awareness during these moments, more like noting is getting in the way of investigating. Continue to work on holding 3rd eye sensation in awareness while continuing to note other phenomena. Noticed some mental tension associated with this that was really familiar.

[Dan G]

Sat for an hour this morning. Immediately started getting flickering in the visual field and my eye seemed like they were moving rapidly. Just noted the experience. Eventually went away after a few minutes. At times felt a contraction in the center of my head. Felt stronger than ever before. At one point it frightened me a little like something was going to happen, like my head imploding or something. Noted the fear and the sensation. This happened several times. After the hour, which went by rather quickly, I opened my eyes and my initial thought was that I had been dreaming. Not sure how to describe it but like I was waking up from a nap. Have felt kind of anxious and "on-edge" since the sit with uncomfortable sensations in the chest and solar plexus area.

[Russell]

When you say "this happened several times" are you talking about the cycle from flickering up up through the fear and head imploding sensation or just the head imploding thing over and over?

[Dan G]

Mainly the head imploding feeling. Sometimes it was strong and sometimes it was not. The fear (almost exhilaration) seems to arise when the imploding/contracting feeling suddenly gets really strong.

[Dan G]

Just sat for an hour. Seemed like just a few minutes. Practice seems to be shifting/building rather quickly recently.

Flickering of visual field and eyes started right away then after a minute or so stopped. Did concentration practice for a while (ten mins or so). Breath seemed to disappear. Very pleasant and relaxing. Shifted to insight practice. So much seems to happen that it is hard to remember. Generally, pressure tension seems to build in head. There seems to be this building when I hold this tension in awareness while also being aware of my entire body. Vibrations seemed to build over the course of the sit. Although generally I seems to feel a tingling type vibration throughout entire body there were at times intense vibrations in certain places. Lips,teeth, tongue, jaw, for moments seemed like they were rattling back and forth. There were some aches and itches but these seemed to sizzle. At one point energy really seemed to build, heart started racing, fear arose in a very intense way. Continued to note. Then sensations seemed to chill a little and then rose in inconsistent again. This was accompanied by more intense flickering. I seemed if I concentrated on the flickering the fear subsided. Not sure. Was too intense to really get my bearings.

Tension seems to have shifted from 3rd eye to inside my head. I can now feel this tension off the cushion. Also seem to be a little more irritable off the cushion the past few days. Have lost my temper with the kids several times over the past few days.

[Dan G]

update:

earlier in the week I was reading a book. Popped into mindfulness, vision took a wide-angle, book seemed to be vibrating and my hand holding the book did not seem to belong to me. Like I was looking at a mannequin hand. Was just a moment or two but notable.

The other night I was meditating before going to sleep and I experienced something that I am not sure about. It was as if I was able to observe my mind shutting down to go to sleep. It is really difficult to explain and was really weird. It was as if I was observing the conditional habit of "shutting things down for the night". The part of this that I found interesting was that the mind seemed to rest at a "point". Could be totally making this up just notable and unique.

Still feeling lots of vibratory sensation throughout body during sits. Pressure in center of head still pressure with some 3rd eye sensation coming and going. No flashing lights as reported previously. Feel really open to just experiencing what is happening even with some difficult stuff. For example, have sat after some family chaos or mental disturbance and was just able to sit with it and get curious about it. Sits have been going by really quickly. An hour feeling like 10 minutes.

[Dan G]

Had a deep fear arise last night before bed. Really in my face, almost a panic. Started to sweat, breath heavy. This seems to be more of this underlying raw fear that bubbled to the surface. A sensitivity and awareness that life is fragile and fleeting. There can be peace one moment, fear or panic the next. Slept well and deeply but woke with this same fear present. This is in contrast to yesterdays sit that felt very peaceful. Did some metta at the end of the sit and got into it way more than normal. Really started to feel what I was saying.

So sat with the fear during this mornings sit. Noted out loud for a while just to keep with the practice and not get overwhelmed. The body was peaceful. Pressure in my head seems to continue to build. 3rd eye pressure as strong as ever (was very noticeable off cushion yesterday). Not sure what is going on and have noted some feelings of confusion lately.

[Dan G]

Will be bringing my dog of 13 years to the vet today to say goodbye. This is the result of some aggressive behavior towards my son that luckily did not cause much harm (but was very scary). This has been weighing heavily on my mind that past several days. Lots of mixed feelings, intense emotion. I am really bothered by this and feel a pit in my stomach every time I think about it.

Sat today with this pit in my stomach. It was so strong I did not do any concentration practice and just jumped right into noting. I stayed with and noted this pit in my stomach and watched it change and dissolve. Things came to a point of peace and acceptance that I did not anticipate. Thoughts would flash towards my impending trip to the vet, and there was just peace. I am really surprised by this. Soon after the sit was over the pit returned. This is going to be a difficult day.