Rod's Practice Journal

[Rod1]

Log Update 29/05/2013

Last couple of days have been meditating average of 60 minutes morning and a little more in the evening. During sessions, watching cycling and then jhanas to explore expansive territory. Since last log entry, the cycling of review continues but has changed in characteristics. Last week through to the weekend, the nanas were clearly perceived and distinct from each other with a distinct fruition that was quite concentrated. It was easy to be aware of them even in daily activities. Now whilst the cycling is continuing, there is less distinction between nanas, its harder to identify which nana I am in and the fruitions are spread broader, seem stronger but not as consistent. Also there is alot of tingling vibrations moving through me all day without alot of pattern to them so it feels like I am about to have a fruition most of the time. Actually the vibrational frequency and randomness feels as if my body is out of phase with solidity (if that makes sense), not unpleasant. Today at work there were quite distinct feelings of being separate from the body, that it was all automatic. The sense of self being disconnected is still there and becoming normalised. I also have found that when I wake up in the middle of the night which happens almost every night, instead of emotional churning, now there are really mostly thoughts without so much emotion linked. Easier to manage, to watch and not as stressful. I presume I am fading out of review and would be interested to know what might happen next - quite fascinating. Still not really back up with the noting - hard to know how to adjust practice to best accommodate whats happening - should I sit back and relax, get highly concentrated, not a lot, or what? Not deeply worried, bit perplexing. Don't think I would be very helpful to anyone with this kind of vague understanding

[Rod1]

Log Update 30/05/2013

Last night meditated sitting for 50 minutes and watched 3 cycles of nanas from A&P to 11 nana and fruition etc then back to A&P. I am not sure if i was making it happen or if I was watching it happen - hard to tell. Went to bed and continued with jhana work but fell asleep. Woke up at 3.00am and watched breath and thoughts and tingling waves just moving throughout body for about 60 mins. Woke up at 6.00 and tried to go through jhanas to 4th and then expansive territory exploration till 7.00am. All the while there is interplay with tingling and other mixed sensations.
So despite a pretty swirly, floaty tingly time over the past few days, still trying to have a structured practice. Fruitions pop up almost randomly, really big waves of fine tingling move throughout my body and whenever I try to follow some semblance of a sequence of meditation, it all just falls in like trying to dig a hole in wet sand at the beach. Quite amusing. So it feels like I am being lazy and losing discipline as my practice is getting less structured and clear but there is not much else I can do except watch, note and accept. Through the day there has been a recurring sensation of things such as my body and other things running themselves, not in my control.

[Rod1]

Log Update 01/06/2013
Busy with work so logging is a little behind. So night before last did walking meditation for 65 mins getting quite concentrated noting stepping sensations. Meditated sitting for 60 mins just watching 3 cycles of review that are fading and slipping -starting at A&P and ending in fruitions. Meditated lying down falling asleep. Woke up at 6.00 meditating in jhanas in expansive territory till 7.00. Lots of really tingly vibrations through the day throughout body
Last night meditated for 60 mins sitting watching cycling of review again but its very much fading back to a 'pea soup'. Meditated lying down for about 40 mins till asleep trying out sustained 2nd jhana then 3rd then 4th. This morning woke up at 6.00 and meditated jumping to 4th jhana for a bout 30 minutes then moving to expanded jhana territory just poking around to familiarise. During this there was a distinct rush of vibrations (a bit like a fruition) and wasn't sure if it was the end of another cycle with fruition or something else. After it, the territory seemed easier but may have just been increased concentration. Not sure if doing jhanas during this time is helpful, useless or what. Review has definitely waned and now just hanging around to see what happens next. Would be easy to stop practicing but won't do that. Noting seems easy but not particularly driven to do it so will just hang loose for the moment.

Reflective Note: Went to a gig today of an acquaintance guitarist and his band. Been a while since I played much due to work etc so was good to get some inspiration again. The crowd were friendly but crazy and normally, I would be pretty shy and self-conscious and keep out of the way. Today was different - I felt at ease and just happy to be there and part of the whole thing unfolding. No shyness, although I could see the propensity for it, but didn't pick it up. That is something that has dogged me all my life. It seems greatly diminished now which is such a relief.

Another insight from that gig was whilst I was absolutely into the guitarist and the great riffs and solos he was cranking out, the thing I was drawn to and remember the most is watching a mentally and physically disabled girl enjoying the music from her wheelchair and particularly the dedication and love her father was showing to her ensuring she was comfortable and happy and enjoying it all, dancing with her in the chair etc. I am sure its just another day for them but I felt really floored by the love that I could see there and it occupied alot of my contemplation during the gig - not something I would normally be occupied with at a gig. Seemed that it cut through alot deeper or more sustainably than it might have a few months ago.

[viktorvnh]

Nice reflection about being able to choose to pick up the shyness or not.

Just curious, when you "hang loose" and skip the noting - do you still get caught in thoughts?

[Rod1]

Thanks V, yes the thoughts are there and I find myself following them so not noting will allow that to encroach and probably is a good reason to get back to doing it again. Not sure if that is the basis for your question but thanks, its given me a simple reason to continue with noting.

[viktorvnh]

Why I asked is just because I myself have this will to stop noting... and just go notice and experience. Not sure why I'm driven in this direction. Anyway, it's the same thing for me, I also get caught in thoughts over and over again when I stop noting. Sometimes the thoughts can be kind of transparant and yet another thing to notice together with the bodily sensations and different phenomenon arising though... which is nice... when that happens. But yes, sticking to noting is probably a good idea for me as well. Dropping the noting from time to time and see what it does to you can be interesting though... I've noticed confusion, insecurity and a bit of shame when I do that, which is interesting... when I leave the "frames" I've given myself.

[Rod1]

Yes its interesting - just walking back from shops and previously I would be strongly noting foot step sensations interspersed with noting seeing, thinking, feeling etc as the experience played out. However today, I realised just focussing on foot steps was actually limiting my ability to take in the whole of 'now' so I switched to whole of field awareness, taking in the entire sensory data I was walking in. So I think at this point, I might have answered a broader question I have had since stream entry and review - what do I do now? Will it run itself as it seems to be doing? How long will that continue and how best to accommodate this with practice. It seems that practice is very much now about creating the right conditions for waking up to continue as a process. So probably the objective is to do whatever works to stay in the 'Now' and the process carries on. I think this is relevant to any stage on the path.
Pre SE there is a feeling that one is needing to drive something forward (I certainly had that feeling) but really it seems more like setting up the conditions for awakening to continue. Its called momentum which implies driving forward but its more about continuity of keeping in the 'now' to enable insights to be understood/known at a deep level. So noting, awareness, bare sensate awareness, choiceless awareness and so on could all be pragmatically applied to achieving and maintaining that end. Therefore I think the answer to both our question is to keep that going Sorry for the ramble.

[Rod1]

Log Update 03/06/2013
Saturday night sat for 60 mins and then about an hour lying down before falling asleep. In first sit just watched cycling continue slower and more recessed again with fruitions. Watched this for 4 cycles then started to lean towards different nanas and short cut to fruitions just to practice moving around the territory. Then lying down, decided to get into jhanas and moved up to expansive territory again.
Woke up at 6.00 and meditated till 8.00. I went straight to 2nd jhana and stayed there absorbed for most of the sit. Just practicing.
All day was feeling alot of compassion and love in general just like yesterday. Last night I sat for 50 mins watching cycling through nanas and then absorbed in 4th jhana. Meditated lying down for about 30 minutes trying to do metta meditation but fell asleep. Last night read through the Metta Sutta - pretty detailed and it would take a while to remember all the categories and groups to extend loving kindness towards. Woke up at 4.15 and tried metta meditation systematically extending loving kindness to all those around me, family, friends, acquaintances, colleagues, neighbours etc ( oops forgot the cats) and to my surprise got very absorbed and found myself in 2nd jhana. So I didn't get to the world or universe and all its beings so maybe tomorrow morning. I always struggle with morning meditation as the mind seems to roam but awareness seems pretty groggy and loses out usually. This seemed to utilise the mind in a better way. I have not done alot of metta meditation before in fact after the last time I tried, the whole day I seemed to run into hostile people which was pretty weird. At the moment, metta seems to really resonate with me and the way I have been feeling over the past few says. I also was advised that it was an important thing to have traversing the middle paths (in the theravadan tradition) when asking for general opinions on DHO what would be good to do in or after review. So will incorporate into practice as well. Noting, Jhanas, Metta.

[Rod1]

Log Update 05/06/13

Meditating average of 60 minutes sitting and 60 minutes lying down with interspersed noting and now metta practice through the night as I wake up. In the morning meditating for average 80 minutes. Had a good session with Kenneth yesterday morning (haven't talked since before I hit dukkha nanas) mainly discussing cycling, review and how to make good use of it. So seem to be in what Kenneth calls review B now where cycling occurs but also able to stay in equanimity after fruition (rather than getting booted back to A&P) and either have more fruitions and/or go on to 4th jhana and formless jhanas - new territory and still exploring it to understand the different stable 'platforms' and what their characteristics are. Metta is the new addition to practice and although I am still getting used to it, it feels good to do as an 'altruistic' way to build concentration. Over the last week or so, I have found that falling asleep in the formless jhana territory results in me waking up about 3 hours later feeling like I have slept many more hours and I basically lay in bed dozing for the rest of the night. So, I watch and note thoughts come and go, note those that I get caught up in and also have tried to practice metta as well. Not tired through the day either so all good. So whenever the new path starts, I will be ready with concentration and practice intact as at the moment it is tempting to relax and forget about practice completely as all feels happy joy happy. However, I feel as if I need to keep going and although not pushing (in no hurry), certainly happy to get onto the next path. Noting a desire to get this all done (not loathing, more excitement). Also during meditation over the past couple of days I have been watching for the self and generally feel its not there/real and 'enjoy' exploring that - the formless jhana territory is an interesting expansive point from which to look at this.

[Rod1]

Log Update 07/06/13

Last couple of days meditated average 60 mins sitting and 60 mins lying down at night and about 70-80 mins in the morning with interspersed meditation and noting through the night when awake. Morning meditation seems to be good for Metta which leads to Jhanas at which point I am moving to 4th and above and continuing metta from there. Night meditation is watching for about half the time then going to jhanas after that. Through the day, not much is happening - I am still lazy with noting with work being very busy and not much chance to be aware beyond the task at hand. It seems from last night's sit that review has stopped as I didn't kick off from A&P and the nanas are not really distinct. Its possible to have fruitions still if I choose but the 'auto pilot' aspect of review has stopped it seems. Most of the pleasant vibratory stuff has settled down now. The post SE 'super powers' seem to be fading now . So its back to practice as it was I guess until something else comes up.