Dan's Practice Journal

[Dan G]

thank you Pablo. I am going to give your suggestions a try.

[Dan G]

Been meditating mostly 1 hour per day, except yesterday. Weekends have been my weak spot of late. Really busy Fri and Sat, and then exhaustion on Sun. Goal was to maintain momentum during these 3 days and prioritize sits. Did ok. Sat 1 hour Fri and Today and 20 mins Sat. Pleased with this. Will try to add some more time today.

Some other notes from week. Lots of off-cushion sensations grabbing my attention. A few days this week pleasant tingling on crown during work day. Very noticeable and pleasant. Third eye pressure and pulsing off and on. Upper lip intensely vibrating at times.


5.26.2013

1 hour

30 minutes concentration
30 minutes insight

Mind was foggy. concentration was decent at the beginning but mind began to wander the last 15 minutes.

Insight: Sharp pain in the back. Tension in jaw. 3rd eye pressure and pulsing. Mind was wandering frequently. Overall feel tired and groggy which is common for a Sunday morning these days.


Dream last night: Became lucid and started being mindful immediately upon recognizing it as a dream. In the past, once I would become mindful in a dream, the dream would immediately dissolve. This time I was able to play with it a little bit. I would be mindful, begin to feel dream dissolve, back off mindfulness and maintain dream state. Did this back and forth for a while. Real interesting. Had a fun playful quality to it. Sometimes other mindfulness dreams, where the dream state dissolves into tiny particles can have a fear state associated with them.

[Dan G]

5.28.2013

Started and ended meditation with a bow and expressed gratitude for the opportunity to practice. I aim to incorporate this mini-ritual into my sits as I feel gratitude as a way of helping me feel at ease and open

50 min sit
Time went by really quickly. 15-20 minutes of concentration practice. Counting breaths. Switched to insight practice. Quickly got to a deep, relaxed, calm space. Played with awareness a little. At times tried to be aware of whole body as there seemed to be a vibration/tingling that was apparent throughout. By shifting to whole body, got more and more relaxed. As I got more relaxed and able to be aware of entire body, 3rd eye pulsing began. Not sure if this is a good approach. Still noting during this time but not as intensely. A slower rhythm.

[Dan G]

6.3.2013

1:30+ yesterday
1 hour this morning

In general, been maintaining practice pretty well. 1 hour per day with some exceptions, mainly friday and saturday (my goal on these days is to just do what I can).

Seem to be getting to a calm and relaxed place each sit with very active 3rd eye area predominating along with jaw tension. Having greater awareness of this overall pattern of a back and forth, periods of calm lasting several weeks and then dips into intense frustration, irritation and negativity. Seem to be able to note things like sleepy, irritated, happy, calm, i.e. mind states. Feelings of boredom and daydreaming seem to predominate.

[Dan G]

Been steadily practicing. Mostly 1 hour in the am and working to increase mindfulness throughout the day.

I feel my perspective is starting to shift a little bit. I feel more open to experience. More interested in investigation rather than reflection. Things seem to be noticeably less sticky. There continually seems to be this experience of thinking that I have been including all phenomena and then realizing/noticing I haven't been. Like my mind is trying to hide stuff and my persistence will eventually expose it.

Regarding practice. 3rd eye area still really active and becomes predominant sensation. Used to be perceived as pressure now it is more of a vibration. Sometimes corresponds to some visual, sensation and visual at same "beat" or Hz. That comes and goes. Jaw still really tight but seems to become vibratory as well towards end of sits. Some aches and pains but nothing consistent. Some itches have arose recently but even they get broken down to various sensations that include vibrations, tension, heat, etc. I did have one itch the other day that came on so fast and so strong that I got jolted and let out some gasp or something. Made me laugh but was also like, holy shit, what the hell was that? thought is was an insect at first but definitely was not.

Been wondering lately whether journaling is a hindrance. Not sure if anyone else has felt or feels this way. I have not been seeing how it helps only seeing how it hinders which is probably why I have backed off some.

Any comments, encouragement, critiques welcome.

[Dan G]

6.16.2013

Been hanging in there. Consistent practice in the a.m. No real apparent back sliding for about a month now. Mood seems pretty stable.

a couple 50 min sessions this morning. both fairly similar. 3rd area shifts from pressure to vibrations. Both sits seemed to get lost and daydreamy. Definitely seems dreamlike though. Awake dreaming seems more accurate. Like the transition into and out of sleep. Try to anchor attention to breath after daydreams. Sensations on face become vibratory, then daydream, repeat. This has been pretty much the standard for a while now.

Playing with noting speed. When I speed up up noting it feels like investigation does not go as deep. When I slow down it seems I can open up space for daydream or distraction.

[Dan G]

6.18.2013

Interesting sit. A building and falling back, a building and falling back. What was building? What did that feel like? Not sure. Some anticipation some fear. Some moments where there were little nagging aches and pains and then moments when they all disappeared and the body felt calm and peaceful. Played with a narrow and expanding focus. Not sure how to explain what was going on. Again, seems to be 3rd eye centered. That always seems to be the constant these days. One thing to note here. Normally 3rd eye sensation arise naturally. This time I chose to investigate this area and then vibrations started to arise upon investigation.

It is interesting to note that this sit started off with some really nervous and anxious thoughts about deadlines and projects, etc.

Seem to really notice a stage of boredom and some restlessness really clearly now. I think for a while this seemed to set in at about the time I normally end my sits. Now it is coming a little sooner and so I have a little more time to investigate. My sits end when children wake up. So it is often not my choice to end but I feel this building desire to keep sitting. There is a strong interest in investigating. My attitude seems part "what might happen next" (like engagement in a good book or movie) and part "I need to finish this project" (related to the absorption I feel when I am working on a project and can't stop until it is done).

Enough rambling. Thanks for reading.

[Dan G]

Immediately upon sitting third eye pressure and vibration was present and strong. some light strobing and eye fluttering that was interesting and engaging. Then for the most part the sit was boring. Lots of noting of bored, desire for progress, fear, anxiety, thoughts (planning, remembering, imagining, etc). This seemed to be mostly the territory I was hanging out for most of the sit. 3rd eye pressure seemed to migrate towards the center of my head. Some sensation on the crown, a tingling of sorts. Something I find interesting as of late, I fear progress as much as I desire it.

[Dan G]

7/7/2013

Quick update since haven't journaled in a while. Two weeks ago, family left town for a few days before me. Got to sit a little more than usual Got to talk to Ron which helped focus my sits in a new way (couple things here I would like to journal about but do not have the time as of yet). I left town as well to join my family for a family wedding. I was invited to officiate my brothers wedding. Needless to say I was doing a lot of noting as I was really nervous and unsure of myself in this role. Little sitting happened while away. Upon returning home, I soon got ill for a few days. So just doing the best I can and trying to get back on track now feeling recovered from trip and illness.

Looking to see if there is some backsliding due to lack of sitting. Perhaps there is already. Really feeling fear and vulnerability especially about parenting. This is common and almost always present but sometimes it gets so amplified it can be difficult. Kids seem to be getting either hurt or sick coupled with some tragic news in our local community has left me shaken. In these moments I feel myself wanting to grasp for something. The grasping is becoming more apparent and I can see how it manifested itself in the past. Also, as I continue to sit I can feel more clearly and consistently a certain level of "dis-ease". Perhaps this is what people call insight disease or suffering or whatever. But it feels like the more I sit and the more I dis-embed from my thoughts and feelings the close I get to this raw persistent feeling. Not sure if this makes any sense. It is becoming a source for motivation with regards to my sitting. Even though it feels crappy (this feeling), it is nice to notice and feel the separation between it and the thoughts and feelings that seem to manifest from it.In the past it would manifest as spiritual seeking, dieting, excercise, alcohol consumption, etc, etc. Not sure if anyone can relate to this and would love to here from anybody that can.

Anway, recent sits have become increasingly vibratory. The most recent sit started with some fear and a pit in my stomach from reading the depressing local news (why do I keep doing this!!). Quickly went to sublte vibrations throughout body that felt really nice. Third eye vibrating, some bouts of tingling on the crown that felt really nice. Very little tension anywhere in the body. Continuing to get a feel for Ron's instructions to keep 3rd eye area in field of awareness while continuing to note other sensations that arise. Did some metta and it actually made me smile. This rarely happens. It felt good.

[Ona]

I think journaling helps with being honest. One might notice not wanting to journal when things don't seem like they'll impress anyone or sound like "progress." That's good to notice. Same with your more recent comments about fear, vulnerability, fear for your children's safety, fear about how people will think of you at your brother's wedding, etc. The deeper we go, the more we really see stuff - we see more and more clearly. So our reactions, habits, beliefs, fears, joys, etc become more and more vivid. That's a good thing (even if it can be overwhelming at times). One can't step into and note what's arising if one is unaware of it. In the beginning we notice mostly crude surface level things. The deeper we go, the more we start seeing the details of more subtle and more intimate things - things that are closely held as part of our constructed identity: who we should be, who people should think we are, who we are afraid of being, etc etc. Then things get raw. We feel vulnerable. We feel exposed. The layers are getting peeled back, and stuff we didn't really want to recognize about who we think we are starts revealing itself. We really start to see grasping and aversion on a deeper level, too. So having difficult stuff come up and just applying ones practice technique is "deep work." Simply sticking gently with ones practice is all that's needed.