Russell's Old Journal

[Russell]

Jan 11 2012, 9:42 PM EST

I had what seemed like 10 short sits today, just couldn't find any more time to sneak away. However, I just had another 30 minute sit and it was very intense, in a good way. Started with concentration but my mind inclined to note on its own almost. I was very buzzy when I first sat down. Then I had lots of tingly itches mostly around my face and I would get massive bright lights and pressure, tingling vibrations in my crown. At one point it was almost overwhelming. Like a total assault on my forehead.

I also don't know if I am forecasting or projecting (but thats how I note these feelings) but I keep feeling like something is about to happen. I will get thoughts of posting about getting stream entry or talking to Ron about the "What was that?" moment but I am not grasping for it. This thoughts just happen. I note 'projecting thought' and similar when my mind thinks that way. I was just sitting in total awareness of everything in a way, still had some slippery thoughts and it seemed like i could only note some 'things' but i was really aware of many more. Really pleasant experience. I need to keep the momentum going. Definitely, doing some more concentration practice before bed and sitting multiple times tomorrow.

[Russell]

Jan 12 2012, 5:08 PM EST

Note: Felt very chilled out and buzzy/vibrating, for lack of better words, for like 2 hours after my sit last night. Feel a little spacey today, have only had time to sit for 30 mins total today so far in short sits. Will have a longer sit tonight and a chat with Ron.

[Russell]

Jan 12 2012, 10:01 PM EST

Similar sit from last night, however, I was pretty overwhelmed by some of the sensations as vibrations got very strong at some points. At one point i felt like I was contorting to my right almost folding in half. Very odd. Lots of tingling at the top of my head. Very chilled out afterwards but a little on edge. Dunno if I have slipped back to a little or things are just intensifying. The more I think about it I feel like I was shifting quite a bit. Would go from overwhelming to really calm and back and forth.

[Russell]

Jan 13 2012, 11:27 AM EST

Spoke with Ron last night. I have to say, it is so helpful to have a teacher. Thank you so much Ron. He confirmed lower equanimity and told me how I need to handle things when the vibrations ramp up. Sounds like a tricky stage and I am hoping to not fall back again, but I am ok with whatever happens next. The trickiest part for me is the off-cushion cycling. It is very prominent and I can have full days where I sit in DN stages and some days where I am unaffected. Trying to just notice what is going on and not blaming health problems or anything else, just trying to note my way through it.

[Russell]

Jan 13 2012, 3:22 PM EST

Terrible off the cushion day (anxious, dizzy, ears full). So I snuck away and sat for 30-40 minutes. Felt better initially but its creeping back up on me now.

[Russell]

Jan 13 2012, 9:42 PM EST

I sat for over an hour today because I had a rough day (at least until about 6pm) off the cushion. Anxiety, dizziness, nausea…general fun stuff like i said above. Anyways, my 2nd sit just now, I got into a very calm state and inclined to slow the noting down and I just sort of automatically focused on the 3rd eye area cause it was buzzing and my noting somewhat dropped, then I felt like I got absorbed in a very wide state. I guess almost jhana like. Sort of like my head felt like it got absorbed starting from the crown and my field of vision got wider and it was a little intense but i remained calm and continued to sit through it and just notice things. My timer went off about 2 minutes after this, and I tried to keep sitting but I knew my wife was waiting for me in the other room so I slowly opened my eyes. Still Buzzing and vibrating as I type this. Not sure if I accidentally dropped the noting too soon and got absorbed into a concentration jhana or if I am doing it right and moving into higher equanimity stages. Any thoughts?

[Russell]

Jan 15 2012, 4:24 PM EST

Only got to sit for 30 minutes last night. I am having a terrible time off-cushion today. Even had slight fever today. Last nights sit was pleasant overall, but Not as buzzy/vibratory as other sits. I was very distracted by a dog next door and a (really loud) party going on at another neighbors house. Hope to have a nice sit tonight, but I feel awful right now. It's a wild ride going from earlier this week all spaced out and uncomfortable, then ok with things, then dizzy and nauseous and miserable. Yeah, off-cushion, is rough to me right now.

[Russell]

Jan 15 2012, 8:59 PM EST

Another sit tonight. Started with a little difficulty getting concentrated then started noting as usual. Didn't notice much DN stuff, although during the day its been terrible. Actually didn't notice many stages really. Just went into a pretty calm, easy to focus mode pretty quickly and remained their for most of the sit. I did get some quick bright lights and some occasional tingles/vibrations that kind of went around the back of my head. Finally settled even more and the noting kind of dropped on its own and i felt like I was just doing concentration practice again somewhat automatically. Very nice feeling and I wish I could have sat there for hours. However, life called as I have 2 sick kinds and I'm coming down with something myself. Will try to get more sits in tomorrow.

[Russell]

Jan 16 2012, 11:02 AM EST

Quick sit this morning. Feel a little bit better today. However, my sits are really confusing. I don't feel much cycling through nanas, it feels as though once i get concentrated, the equanimity chill out just builds until it becomes equanimity buzzing/vibrations. At least this is how I interpret it. I can note, but the noting becomes slower and then I sometimes stop on my own and just kind of bask in it, but something feels like it isn't right. Hard to explain. Almost like EQ is much more work that DN as far as letting go is concerned. I feel like DN is about finally accepting, but EQ is about not straining and letting go and that equally as hard. Does that make sense? And anyone know why it feel like I don't see things early in my sits as clearly?

Replies:

Rob_Mtl
Jan 16 2012, 1:38 PM EST

I don't know if others will see it this way, but I will venture a guess: if your "baseline" is in Equanimity, it's not the same experience as when you are reaching Equanimity through the baseline of a lower nana.

Kenneth once used the analogy of an army marching. When your "baseline" is in the dukkha nanas, your army might be camping out in the dukkha nanas, but your vanguard occasionally reaches Equanimity, during a sit.

It's a different matter when your army is now camping out in Equanimity. Only a few slow-marching, undisciplined stragglers bother passing through the other nanas any more

I imagine that the reason they distinguish between high and low equanimity is that there is still a subtle resistance.

However, once you are high equanimity, there is no resistance. You don't get stream entry because you "strove" to reach that finish-line. High EQ *is* the finish line, as far as what "you" can do is concerned. Stream entry happens when, for one infinitessimal moment, your attention adverts to emptiness instead of another object.

So, after all this effort, it's counter-intuitive to stop making an effort, and yet, that's what you have to do, since if you make effort, that just becomes the object you advert to instead of emptiness. But I don't think we even know what "not making an effort" means, until we are in high EQ. So yeah, that letting go is very subtle.

Russell
Jan 16 2012, 3:24 PM EST

Makes sense. I just wish (although I am not striving) I was camping out in Equanimity all day. Except, I feel like I camp out in DN all day then when I sit and reach EQ pretty fast. The best I have felt off-cushion is after a sit when I think I accidentally started to focus on one object in EQ and then instead slipped into a concentration Jhana. I am not sure that is what happened, but I describe it in post #72.

[Russell]

Jan 17 2012, 8:20 AM EST

The not making an effort is the hardest part of EQ for me so far. In my sit last night. I did concentration practice for 5 min or so then started noting, I get to a calm peaceful state pretty quickly and begin to get caught up in thoughts a bit (which wasnt much a problem for me in the past) and I am tending to drop noting probably too soon because when I do I seem to automatically go back to it after a short time. I think I need to continue noting until it almost drops itself.