Russell's Old Journal

[Russell]

Jan 7 2012, 10:38 AM EST

Last night's sit was somewhat frustrating. Really because it was cut short. I was really starting to feel kind of vibrations throughout my whole body. More like tingles that I normally get in my hands and lower body, but I could recognize it everywhere almost. Got interrupted though. Kids again. I was trying to really expand my awareness and it was really making things pop out everywhere. like I could feel every single vibration. Still had a rough day with anxiety yesterday though. Its been on and off quite a bit

[Russell]

Jan 8 2012, 10:16 AM EST

Last nights sit was very, umm, uneventful I should say. I was like I had itches like crazy for a few moments during the sit but other than that it was like I was just sitting. I some point I could sense myself almost trying to make something happen, then realized it, and noted it and kept sitting. I felt like if I put any effort into focus on one particular sensation as a whole (like the ringing in my ears) I could get absorbed easily into a jhana like state. Other than that, I didn't get a sense of going through the nanas hardly at all other than the major itching that just kept popping up all over the place and disappearing. I'm not sure what's going on. I feel like I need to sit longer today, or for multiple times.

Reply:

JLaurelC
Jan 8 2012, 1:47 PM EST

"Another note: I have asked Ron this question before but I thought I would see what you guys thought. Do any of you pre-path, or post-path people in retrospect feel like they are making all of this up in their head and that there is no way they can be progressing in this map almost exactly how it is spelled out? "

I have not been as clear about moving up the map as some people, plus my DN stuff tends to get all mixed together. But I really don't think I'm making any of this up. Right now the alternation between equanimity and DN is quite pronounced. I have the same confusion and uncertainty about the maps, though.

[Russell]

Jan 8 2012, 4:01 PM EST

I guess that is what I mean, Things aren't nearly as pronounced as people's descriptions of the distinct stages, hence the confusion. On another note, something has changed in the last 2 sits for sure. I just sat again for 30 mins. It's almost if things got really boring suddenly. Like all I am doing is sitting. Starting to wonder, get lost in some thoughts, but my awareness seems clear. I'll sit again tonight to see if it is more of the same. Off the cushion, its like I am bi-polar. Literally within hours I can go from happy and accepting, to horribly miserable with anxiety and nausea, etc.. I finally get to speak to Ron again next week and boy do i need it. More confusion.

[Russell]

Jan 8 2012, 8:40 PM EST

Confirmed. Another 30 minute sit tonight. 1 hour total today. Very odd. It almost feel like I can't see the nanas at all anymore, and I note kinda slowly lazily like Dissolution. Not a lot of bodily sensations to catch other than slight vibrating at the crown area and hands tingling. Dunno. Anyone have any ideas what I could be going through?

[Russell]

Jan 9 2012, 10:24 AM EST

I sat this morning. This almost feels like I have shifted back to doing concentration practices. It's almost like I try to note but something makes me just go back to my breath and relax. Noted wanting to get up and stop right as the chime on my timer went off.

Reply:

Rob_Mtl
Jan 9 2012, 1:31 PM EST

If feel like concentration is the right thing to do now, I'd say, go with it. I don't like to guess "nanas" but my experience of equanimity was also this sense of "hey, where did everything go??". I was actually disturbed by the disappearance of all the drama, especially of DN.

If gross sensations present themselves, note them, but otherwise, take this as a chance to start learning to just surrender. Sounds like everything is going according to plan!

But, of course, take Ron's evaluation over anything I say...!

[Russell]

Jan 9 2012, 1:52 PM EST

Thank you Rob! That helps a ton. Tonight I will just go with concentration practice i think. What you describe is exactly what I have said to myself. "Hey, itches, where are you?" They still pop up ocassionaly but its so minor and rare that it just seems like "nothing" is going on. Really weird.

I tell you what. Off the cushion, I am shifting from, everything is fine to aww holy hell, here we go again (feel like crap, dark thoughts, dizziness, nausea) Could be my balance disorder talking but, hey at least some of the time things feel ok.

[Russell]

Jan 9 2012, 8:58 PM EST

2nd sit of the day. 50 minutes today. This one was better. Took Rob's advice and built up some more concentration before starting to try to note. Began noting (Ron's advice was to still keep trying to note), hardly any itches anymore, some, but the immediately go away when i note them. Had some tingling around the forehead/crown and back of head. Could notice subtle vibrations of the sensations a bit more clearly. Had lots of lights (not rapturous) but seemed like big light it front of me that stayed there. When my timer went off I was very startled and when I opened my eyes the room was darker than with my eyes closed. However, still had trouble with drifting into some thoughts, but because of the built up concentration, i was able to catch them sooner I think. I feel a little dazed now.

[Russell]

Jan 10 2012, 12:10 PM EST

Short sit this morning so far. Man, I am stupifyingly sleepy now. That never happens.

Replies:

Rob_Mtl
Jan 10 2012, 2:33 PM EST

Everything you're undergoing now is the result of good, solid, practice, even the sleepyness and the "holy hell" times. Keep up the good work!

By the way, these bouts of sleepiness are a periodic, recurring, by-product of very good concentration, alongside slightly lagging enegry. A couple of times, at times like this, I had some good results by just noting, second after second, *how* sleepy I was. "I'm 70% sleepy". "OK, a little less sleepy". "Oooh- REALLY sleepy now!". Sometimes, the energy would eventually kick back in, and the sheer silliness of the game stopped me from feeling like it was this heavy, awful, thing dragging me down. Just an idea, in case it helps!

Russell
Jan 10 2012, 2:49 PM EST

You are awesome Rob. Really, really helpful!

[Russell]

Jan 10 2012, 9:16 PM EST

Total of over an hour today spread out between a few sits. The last sit tonight brought back some of the more familiar sensations but my awareness seems to catch them easier now, especially thoughts. My hardest thing to note before was if and when I had a thought. Now I can note and label them with ease. However, emotions are harder to note cause its all kinda just "chill" and even. Had some uncomfortable itches come up early in the sit but then things calmed down to more like tingles everywhere. Even had a bit of strobing like sensations in the eyes. Nothing going on in the crown area this time. I will play Rob's sleepiness game tomorrow if that reoccurs.

Also another note. I couldn't sleep well last night so I laid there and did concentration practices until I felt like I was about to go into a hypnogogic type state. My awareness of it would pull me right out and I would continue my concentration. This went on for a while until I remembered I had to get up at 5am so I flipped over and fell asleep but slept terribly.

[Russell]

Jan 11 2012, 3:09 PM EST

Hey, it's opposite day again. Feeling good, alert and aware. Low anxiety, less drowsy. Still a little spacy and finding it hard to work or sneak away to meditate, but overall pretty good. It's so odd how things can fluctuate this much during this time on the path. Let's see what tomorrow brings.