Russell's Old Journal

[Russell]

Nov 14 2012, 4:02 PM EST

Last few sits have been interesting to say the least.

Been trying to 'do nothing' but in that realized that that is still doing something. And for the first time, that was very frustrating. There is nothing I can actively do to surrender. This will unfold on its own. I just need to keep asking the good questions and looking at how all everything, even the looking happens without trying.

Also, had some very fearful moments where I would ask 'Let me see the joy in this day' and I would get an answer of a very strong 'NO!' Scared the crap out of me.

[Russell]

Getting close to the end of my old log. About a month left before the forum went down. Will post the rest later.

[Russell]

Nov 16 2012, 9:47 AM EST

A real deep seated fear is coming up now. Real existential fear of death. It kept me up last night quite a bit. And today I feel like I am just tired of all this. Not in a frustrated way like I posted a little while ago, but just a very 'Alright, I give up' kind of way.

I thought of something funny to try to do today to 'give up.' I will spend the whole day trying not to be mindful! HAHA! Starting...now....

Replies:

betawave
Nov 16 2012, 11:26 AM EST

Could be a good day to eat a bag of cheetos.

Russell
Nov 16 2012, 11:28 AM EST

Mmmmm. Cheetos

Russell
Nov 17 2012, 11:43 PM EST

I know I said I was really tired of this yesterday. But now I'm really REALLY tired of this.

RonCrouch
Nov 18 2012, 12:27 PM EST

...and twinkies too. Don't forget the twinkies. Get them while you can.

Russell
Nov 19 2012, 8:05 AM EST

You are right Ron. Maybe twinkies are the answer. I haven't had one in about 20 years. Now if I can only get my hands on one...

Russell
Nov 20 2012, 4:42 PM EST

Well, all of this is very yucky. Phasing in an out or embeddedness. Mostly in. Feels like none of this path stuff ever happened and there is no way I could ever wake up or get this done. At the same time it feels like there is nothing to do. Sorry for the complaining lately. This part of the path is downright unpleasant.

JLaurelC
Nov 20 2012, 5:54 PM EST

"You are right Ron. Maybe twinkies are the answer. I haven't had one in about 20 years. Now if I can only get my hands on one..."

Uh, Russell: craving and clinging. Just saying.

[Russell]

I somehow lost maybe a couple days worth of posts here, not sure how, but it was probably me bitching and complaining about something

Nov 24 2012

I do remember a post where I was sulking and complaining about stuff and my wife took me by the arm, walked me outside, and said, see this, all of this, this is all there is. Wise one, she is.

Replies:

giragirasol
Nov 24 2012, 5:27 PM EST

when my husband spouts stuff like that i call him bodhisattva spouse

cmarti
Nov 24 2012, 6:46 PM EST

Your wife is obviously awake

[Russell]

Nov 25 2012, 2:30 PM EST

Trying to feel better = biggest obstacle.

Replies:

cmarti
Nov 25 2012, 4:36 PM EST

Better than? Better about?

Russell
Nov 25 2012, 6:26 PM EST

Exactly.

[Russell]

Nov 27 2012, 9:54 AM EST

Loud "Pop, flash" fruition that freaked me out during my sit last night. Like a loud bang and visual field was like a lightbulb bursting. I don't remember what happened before that. But afterwards, strong emotional reaction, so I got up and read. Wild stuff.

[Russell]

Nov 29 2012, 1:02 PM EST

Still cruising along. Lot's of crown pressure in my sit last night. It feels difficult to do witness practice (kind of has for a while, it's not stable) so I am just sitting or trying to take awareness as an object. Inclination keeps growing to do self-inquiry off cushion. Was driving through fog yesterday morning and today and it seemed like a perfect metaphor for all of this. No way to know what is ahead, etc...

Just sitting here embracing the unknown, or trying to.

[Russell]

Dec 1 2012, 8:07 PM EST

Still seem to be cycling rather quickly. Can be quite a roller coaster as the day goes on. Had another long period of very calm again even though nothing felt like it changed. Was rather fun to just watch anxiety arise and ground it.

[Russell]

Dec 2 2012, 2:11 PM EST

So, earlier today I was climbing around on top of my roof putting Christmas lights up and the neighbors were very worried about me. Then it started to rain and the roof got a bit slippery. Yet somehow I have no fear of being up there at all. But if I am on solid ground and I feel a bit dizzy, I nearly have a panic attack. How does that make sense?

So there I was up there on the wet roof laughing to myself about this.

Replies:

giragirasol
Dec 2 2012, 2:39 PM EST

I think sometimes when we're in situations where we have to pay attention to stuff other than our own internal chit chat (like helping someone else, keeping our balance in difficult terrain, assembling something, etc), we forget our mental habits more easily. The difference seems to me particularly noticeable as ones insight deepens. When one can just be in the moment doing whatever one is doing it's much more pleasant and gets done more productively than when one is chattering nervously away inside, imagining all sorts of catastrophic scenarios.

Russell
Dec 2 2012, 2:43 PM EST

Spot on.

JLaurelC
Dec 2 2012, 3:20 PM EST

"Still seem to be cycling rather quickly. Can be quite a roller coaster as the day goes on. Had another long period of very calm again even though nothing felt like it changed. Was rather fun to just watch anxiety arise and ground it. "

Having fun with anxiety--good stuff!

[Russell]

Dec 6 2012, 2:30 PM EST

Well I don't have much to say other than I am really noticing more and more detail about thoughts and physical anxiety symptoms and how they manifest and what from. Of course I have seen this process unfold many many times, but as the path unfolds it seems you keep getting deeper and deeper into the details of what is going on in the mind. I have been out of town for the last 3 days on business so I have not gotten much practice in, mainly right before bed. My whole body was vibrating last night while trying to sleep, and it kept me up for over an hour even though I was exhausted after a 15 hour work day.

Replies:

JLaurelC
Dec 6 2012, 2:53 PM EST

That's the trouble with meditating before bed. It depends on what practice you use, of course. But I've had the same thing happen to me. Now if I do any sitting before bed, it's a really basic practice of watching the breath in and out of the body.

Russell
Dec 6 2012, 4:24 PM EST

That's a good point Laurel. I will be on the plane tonight. I find turbulence on the plane an awesome time for practice in letting go. I can watch myself tense up when the bumps start like I can actually do something to control the plane. It is silly and really shows resistance and self inflicted suffering. I look forward to the bumpy ride.