Russell's Old Journal

[Russell]

Nov 2 2012, 3:58 PM EDT

Sitting notes: Have not been sitting much. Maybe 20-30 mins a day. Had all kinds of energy stuff any time I closed my eyes yesterday. Almost like review cycling. I could just sit and close my eyes and I would get strobing and rapid eye movement and expansion right away. My sit last night started like that and cycled to expansion/quiet and then flashes of light again. Over and over. Then just for fun I tried Kenneth's ships in the harbor technique and immediately upon listening for it, I got expansion and joy arising.

[Russell]

Nov 2 2012, 4:22 PM EDT

Meant to post off-cushion notes too: Not nearly as much activity in the 3rd eye anymore but its seems shifted to the solar plexus all day yesterday. Taking Kenneth's post to heart today and it has really made a difference off-cushion. Thanks again Kenneth.

[Russell]

Nov 4 2012, 12:19 PM EST

Had some great practice using Kenneth's tips off cushion yesterday. Some really beautiful moments shone through. In particular I was sitting with my wife watching my kids play and she looked up and said "Do you like the color of the sky better with your sunglasses on or off?" I was just blown away with how relevant that question was in the moment. So perfect, and she didn't even know it. We look at everything through a lens, but is the sky's color actually changed?

Anyways, later that evening I was finally in a very desire for deliverance mode where I was literally saying " F!&@ this path, I am done". Just wanted to go to sleep.

[Russell]

Nov 6 2012, 2:33 PM EST

I don't have much to say lately so for journaling sake:

blah blah blah suffering...blah blah sitting...blah blah ohh calm....blah blah blah

[Russell]

Nov 7 2012, 12:25 PM EST

Sorry about that last update. Seems I am cycling through some bad stuff again. Very fearful, and unnerving. My sitting practice last night consisted of an automatic self-inquiry type practice where I only noted 'Not Mine', I have never done this, but it just started on it's own somehow.

Off cushion. A constant stream of questioning about my experience is happening. "Who is this happening to?", "Who is aware?", "There is only this moment", "there is no way to tell what the next moment will bring" and many more...

I realize now that I was originally using this to try to change my experience, or at least expecting it to change my experience. Now I just note that when I am seeing that thought arise too.

Replies:

kennethfolk
Nov 7 2012, 2:46 PM EST

This is great, Russell. I like the way you are letting the questions arise spontaneously to guide your practice, and the fact that you seem to be questioning everything. Here is another one I find helpful:

Is it even possible to meditate? Is it possible to direct the attention in any way?

Keep us posted.

JYET
Nov 7 2012, 2:47 PM EST

Don't apologize. It's only refreshing with unpolished posts that don't try to keep any "perfect yogi" or any other self image in place.

Thank you for being honest of where you where at that point in time

Russell
Nov 7 2012, 2:59 PM EST

"Is it even possible to meditate? Is it possible to direct the attention in any way?"

I like that Kenneth, thanks!

Russell
Nov 7 2012, 3:01 PM EST

"Don't apologize. It's only refreshing with unpolished posts that don't try to keep any "perfect yogi" or any other self image in place.

Thank you for being honest of where you where at that point in time"

I appreciate it Erik. I have been so diligent at journaling, but sometimes lately I am a complete loss of words on how to describe what I am going through. Confusion doesn't cut it anymore. It's not that. Frustrated, maybe, but that doesn't do it either. Maybe its because I see through all those labels and blah blah blah just comes out! Hah!

Maybe just "this, this, this!" is more appropriate.

[Russell]

Nov 7 2012, 10:05 PM EST

Just had this vision while I was sitting of me stepping through a hole in the ground and falling, then I finally landed....inside my own head. I felt kind of a thump. So weird.

[Russell]

Nov 8 2012, 8:05 AM EST

"there is no way to tell what the next moment will bring" has turned into simply just "what's next?" I like that better.

[Russell]

Nov 9 2012, 9:26 AM EST

So this "What's next?" question has been great for pointing to the realization that I cannot see what will happen next, but I realized (well, someone gave me a nudge - thanks Nadav) that I am still comparing my current experience with the past. I still talk about now in a "I feel better than yesterday" type way. So more good pointers to look at experience as it is right now.

[Russell]

Nov 9 2012, 10:32 PM EST

This, this, this, this, and this too.

Reply:

giragirasol
Nov 10 2012, 5:10 AM EST

Let us know when you find something in the present moment that's not included in the present moment.

[Russell]

Nov 12 2012, 8:35 PM EST

Still cycling over here not much new to report. Not sitting a whole lot, but I couldn't sleep the other night so I did some inquiry in bed for what ended up being quite a while. Was getting some strange involuntary movements and random bliss waves throughout.

These bliss waves come up during the day too when talking to other practitioners or experiencing gratitude.