Russell's Old Journal

[Russell]

Oct 3 2012, 12:07 PM EDT

More of the same experiences as last night where I can watch my mind hunt around for images to put to sounds and emotions to put to thought. Very liberating.

Clarity is returning off cushion, but was it ever really gone? When the bad stuf is going on it feels like there is no clarity, but it's still there, just pointed in a different direction.

[Russell]

Oct 4 2012, 10:40 AM EDT

Was finishing a Cormac McCarthy book last night. Anyone here read fiction? He writes the most amazing things sometimes. Here is one I highlighted last night:

"...what is your life? Can you see it? It vanishes at its own appearance. Moment by moment. Until it vanshes to appear no more. When you look at the world is there a point in time when the seen becomes the remembered? How are they separate? It is that which we have no way to show. It is that which is missing from our map and from the picture that it makes. And yet it is all we have."

Replies:

james-ing
Oct 4 2012, 11:21 AM EDT

" I was sitting and suddenly noticed that my mind was hunting of objects to pay attention to"

Now that you mention it, I've noticed that myself! What nana would you say you're operating in when that's going on?

Russell
Oct 4 2012, 12:05 PM EDT

It's great that you have noticed this. This is something I started noticing early in my practice as well, but there is something different about it now, where before I felt like I was making it happen (almost forcing myself to see the mental image), now it feels like I am watching it happen and am able to release it. See a sound as a sound and not what my mind things the sound may be. Make sense. I wouldn't attribute it to a specific nana, but more as one of those insights that you pick up along the way.

[Russell]

Oct 5 2012, 3:03 PM EDT

Noticing the interconnectedness of all things more than ever lately, even when I feel like crap. I don't know if its forced or not because I notice that I am just looking at things with a little bit of awe, but then since I notice I am doing it, continuing to do it feels a bit forced in a way.

[Russell]

Oct 8 2012, 9:29 AM EDT

Finally at a point here where I am not sure what to write on my journal anymore. When I think of things to write they surely don't feel like they have anything to do with meditation or practice in general anymore. Honesty, I am swinging back and forth so much that's it's becoming a bit frustrating again.

Replies:

cmarti
Oct 8 2012, 5:10 PM EDT

Can you describe the swinging back and forth? What's on each end?

Russell
Oct 8 2012, 5:18 PM EDT

So this can change within hours or days. Anyways, I go from feeling very calm, open, and connected. I just want to watch the beauty in things. Wind blowing the leaves, clouds going by, etc. I can also see peoples hang-ups and I want to help (I resist this urge now, I have learned my lesson).

Then I go to anxiety ridden, caught up in my own thoughts. Energy channels like 3rd eye and crown have massive pressure and I get headaches (not sure if the headaches are path related). Some crankiness in there and feel very closed off.

This is all off-cushion. Practice-wise I feel like the rug has kind of been pulled out from under me. Like I have been working so hard for something and now I have lost motivation or the caring if the end result comes.

cmarti
Oct 8 2012, 5:30 PM EDT

This may sound odd to you but maybe that's progress. I recall getting to the point where "it" didn't matter anymore. What I found out later is that that very point is the right place to be -- mainly because looking for "it" so hard was what was causing me not to see "it."

The seeking eventually gets in the way, you see. You gotta drop everything and the frustration may help you to see that, and maybe even do that.

Russell
Oct 8 2012, 5:41 PM EDT

Makes sense Chris. Thanks!

giragirasol
Oct 8 2012, 7:02 PM EDT

Ditto what Chris said.

JLaurelC
Oct 8 2012, 7:31 PM EDT

Just wanted to offer hugs to you; seems like you're having a hard time these days. Can't really offer much by way of help but I have been cycling a bit off-cushion too. It gets old after awhile.

kennethfolk
Oct 8 2012, 7:48 PM EDT

This does seem like progress, Russell. Be sure to spend time talking one-on-one with other people who have been where you are now. There are a lot of them here, so take advantage of that.

Russell
Oct 8 2012, 9:41 PM EDT

So when shall we talk Kenneth? . Just kidding. Ron has been an amazing help and it is always great to talk to him. But if anyone is up for Skype sometime i am always game once the kids go to bed. Shoot me a message.

Russell
Oct 9 2012, 1:17 PM EDT

Thanks to those of you that sent me messages. I appreciate it. I hope we can chat later.

Still more of the same cycling: headaches, feelings like I never even got stream entry, mud in the brain, then clarity, and back to mud. I did somehow make NS happen in my sit last night without really trying. Focused on behind the 3rd eye, and i got a little wobbling, then rush of cool tingles that stay on the skin and darkness, sinking, hearing seems to go away and I am left with just the sound of ringing in my ears. I can never tell if I blink out completely, but it left me with some calm energy and I couldn't sleep, visual field was flashing and strobing like crazy. Then I had a dream where I was seriously lashing out at someone who is, umm, not so pleasant. Trying to not let this bleed through, but I did have quite a tantrum last on Sunday and really wanted to shut people out.

[Russell]

Oct 10 2012, 9:05 PM EDT

Strange sit last night. I just sat in bed after reading and only a few minutes in had a jolt like "what was that?" type moment. Kind of stunned, i just continued on and then started to get mental imagery of myself smiling and I could physically feel joy and bliss. Then I realized that my physical body was not smiling, and then further realized that "I" was my mental image of myself and not my physical body. I was completely associated with my mental fabrication and my body was a vessel. It was just sitting there. Kind of hard to describe in a way.

At least for today, off-cushion has been calm and accepting of whatever comes up. I am sure I will cycle around again in a matter of days/hours/minutes. Just trying to be accepting of all phenomenon, good or bad.

[Russell]

Oct 11 2012, 1:39 PM EDT

Wow, I was just sitting here and got so incredibly terrified and nauseous, that I thought I was going to pass out. I can even taste the bile. (Sorry for the graphic description) Yuck! WTF!


Replies:

giragirasol
Oct 11 2012, 1:55 PM EDT

You'll be okay. I used to have shrieking terrors at times, where I'd just clamp my hands over my eyes and shake like a leaf. Of course, maybe you just had bad shrimp for lunch?

Russell
Oct 11 2012, 2:05 PM EDT

Nahh, i wish. I didn't eat yet. Trying to do that now

giragirasol
Oct 11 2012, 2:12 PM EDT

I had one of these terrors on a short retreat once, managing to suppress the shrieking but not the panting and trembling. I asked the abbot later "can you talk about fear?". He said "fear of what?" and I said "I don't know, there's not anything, it's an abstract fear." He said "that's usually a good sign, existential terror."

Russell
Oct 11 2012, 2:33 PM EDT

Damn, Ona, you always nail it. Seriously. That's it. Fear was just straight fear, no reason that I could find. It was almost like I was about to barf up my self!

[Russell]

Oct 11 2012, 7:41 PM EDT

Today has been a bit of a roller coaster. This evening when driving home I felt a lot of energy buildup. Feels like it wants to get out, like now. I was looking at the sunset and felt like I was a star that was about to explode in to tiny stardust and touch everything in the universe. This does not feel like i am using a metaphor either. It truly feels like that. Very odd and frustrating, because i can tell it would feel extremely liberating to just explode.

Replies

giragirasol
Oct 11 2012, 9:35 PM EDT

barf, explode... "just one little wafer thin mint".... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HJZPzQESq_0


Russell
Oct 11 2012, 10:27 PM EDT

Best post ever!

someguy77
Oct 11 2012, 11:03 PM EDT

Wow.

RonCrouch
Oct 12 2012, 12:11 AM EDT

You'll feel so much better afterwards - I promise!

Russell
Oct 12 2012, 11:24 AM EDT

Thanks Ron. Still chugging along, subconsciously fighting my ego. Nothing I can do about that, but just watch the battle unfold.

Funny, my above comment about stardust. Woke up with 'Ziggy Stardust' in my head. How funny is that? Monty Python and David Bowie all in a day. The brits are invading my head.

[Russell]

Oct 14 2012, 6:21 PM EDT

Very emotional the last few days. Even cried when Felix Baumgartner did his space jump today. How awesome was that?

Reply:

giragirasol
Oct 14 2012, 6:33 PM EDT

That was amazing. I was on the edge of my seat, cheering when he showed signs of life in the freefall and when he landed.

[Russell]

Oct 15 2012, 9:05 AM EDT

Practice update: I am only sitting between 20-40 minutes a day. It doesn't seem as necessary. Sits are very hard to really remember too. They have been those no-effort, just sitting, kind of sits. Yesterday evening I did try to use the witness again just to see what would happen and it was like an ebb and flow of tension then release back and forth. I would try to find where the "I" was and I would tense up, but then it would get very thin and i would get a nice expansive release.

[Russell]

Oct 15 2012, 4:50 PM EDT

Lots of no-agency stuff with conversations still. I just speak, feels like there is no thought behind it. Words flow, I can almost hear them like they are foreign. However, people seem to be very receptive (almost more so that usual) to my input or feedback although sometimes when I go back to my desk I am like. "where did that come from?" or "what did just I say?"