Russell's Old Journal

[Russell]

Sep 18 2012, 10:20 PM EDT

For the sake of my journal - It looks like that was 3rd path back in early August. This feels weird posting it because it doesn't feel like it matters to me but for the sake of future readers of this journal, there you go.

Replies:

cmarti
Sep 19 2012, 8:13 AM EDT

How'd you figure it out?

AndyW45
Sep 19 2012, 8:17 AM EDT

Congrats Russell!

Russell
Sep 19 2012, 8:31 AM EDT

It doesn't really have to do with what happened then, but more about what is happening now. In retrospect, there was a shift back then that hasn't changed back and things are evolving from there. Also, Whereas Ron was about 50/50 before, he is certain now. Regardless, the label doesn't change anything. Just stating for my journals sake.

cmarti
Sep 19 2012, 4:52 PM EDT

Very cool - congrats!!

Russell
Sep 19 2012, 5:04 PM EDT

Thanks, Chris, you have been a big help. Pressing on..as usual.

AndyW45
Sep 19 2012, 5:12 PM EDT

It's cool to think that there's a new "generation" of people who will hit technical 4th path in the next year or two, seems like a whole second round of KFD yogis heading this way, after the first round of Nadav, Ron, Chris, Nik and many others.

Russell
Sep 19 2012, 5:37 PM EDT

Even cooler is that, all those previous guys have a big part in helping the 'next gen' guys like us.

[Russell]

Sep 21 2012, 9:17 AM EDT

Last night, I was very sleepy before I sat, but right when I hit the cushion I got concentrated very easily. It seems I ask myself a lot of questions lately in my sits. I was trying, in a way, to see what was past/ouside the boundaries of my current experience. I had this moment in the sit where I could hear the neighbors dog get let out into their backyard and she was growling and runnning around (very nervous dog), and I has this feeling like I was taking on the dogs feelings, like there was not a difference between what I was feeling and the dog. Strange huh?

Anyways, with no intention, my focus shifted to behind my 3rd eye and I sunk into NS. This time I could hear my cat purring in the background and as I sunk the sounds went away and then came back and my breath was shuddering a bit. Very chilled out after that.

Replies:

nadavspi
Sep 22 2012, 11:30 AM EDT

Congrats on 3rd path. It's awesome watching your practice unfold. You're gonna end up with a lot of practice threads...

Russell
Sep 22 2012, 12:33 PM EDT

Hah. Thanks Nadav. At least 1 more practice thread i hope I set out on this thing trying to journal as best I could, even if it is confusing or doesn't make sense. I may not be very good at phenomenologically explaining everything, but I hope my journal(s) have/will help people as much as yours has helped me.

[Russell]

Sep 23 2012, 8:27 PM EDT

Probably cycling through something because for this weekend, even if when I feel crummy or really tired, it doesn't bother me. Nothing is bothering me. I'm sure I will cycle through the crud again soon but it is really interesting in this state. Where something would have affected me with anxiety before, I can't even attempt to bring up anxious feelings. I went through something similar to this several weeks ago, then went through a terrible DN.

Anyways, I am rather calm right now and it's a big relief from the last few weeks. The only thing that hurts is that I can't help people when they are stressed. Especially my wife. It's like I want to tell her that its just her mind making the situation worse but she wouldn't understand.

Replies:

giragirsol
Sep 23 2012, 8:56 PM EDT

Something a Buddhist teacher told me once has been useful. That being that rather than think of trying to "do things for people" we think of it as "doing things with people" - so that if someone is unhappy, sometimes the best thing is just to be with them. In practical terms that can be just a hug and a "I'm sorry" or "I know that sucks" or other expression of sympathy, even if somewhere inside we wish there were some kind of clever answer that would fix the problem. Personally I've found that true, as often when I've been unhappy what I really want is just the comfort of a hug or touch rather than a bunch of advice. Your mileage may vary, obviously.

Russell
Sep 23 2012, 9:35 PM EDT

That's just what I needed to hear. Thanks Ona.

nadavspi
Sep 23 2012, 11:35 PM EDT

I love that. Thanks for sharing.

Rob_Mtl
Sep 24 2012, 5:18 PM EDT

Oh man... this is where so much of my Adyashanti-style "heart-awakening" work is being done, right at that place where I want to advise, coach, and just generally try to shove my wife past all her stresses and difficulties that cause *me* pain because of *my* sense of helplessness. It's been the theme of the last few months for me. What's worse is that, in retrospect, I feel that any time I spoke from some idea of "dharma-wisdom", I probably actually ramped up the pressure and suffering on her, and this only became clear after the fact.

So observe that compulsion to palliate and fix things... it's an excellent object of meditation at this stage, I think.


giragirasol
Sep 24 2012, 7:13 PM EDT

There are some undercurrents to consider in the urge to give lectures/advice to people, from my point of view, one being that it can easily come across as very preachy or patronizing (even if that's not the intention). Basically the message you intend can be "this can help you, because it helped me" but the message heard can easily be "you're doing it wrong" or "I know better than you" which tend to push the defense buttons or add to the sense of failure a struggling person already feels.

We each have to find our own slow wandering way through life. Being simply loving and sympathetic offers instead: "it's safe for you to be unhappy around me" or "you are not alone with your pain, I'm here by your side." That gives the suffering person space to become more comfortable with their struggle and find their own way through it in time.

It's wise to notice what Rob_Mtl said, that being around someone else's stress sometimes causes *you* pain because you feel helpless. It's okay to feel helpless, too.

Really nice to have this conversation.

Russell
Sep 24 2012, 8:55 PM EDT

Thank you to the both of you. I have actually been able to put this to use since I first posted this and the reaction is so much better. I appreciate the help.

kennethfolk
Sep 25 2012, 12:58 AM EDT

Congratulations, Russel, on getting 3rd Path. Nice work. Thanks for documenting your practice here. It's a gift to all the yogis who come after you.


Marc_R
Sep 25 2012, 5:50 AM EDT

Thanks for sharing this, Russell. Ona and Rob, your responses were also very helpful for me, thank you!

Russell
Sep 25 2012, 10:13 AM EDT

Thanks Kenneth. This is an odd phase. I keep going back and forth between deep calm and anxiety. It almost felt like I was done with it all the last few days but it seems to be creeping back up again. However, one thing that remains that is weird for me is that I don't really have a desire to sit anymore. It always felt like I NEEDED to sit every day no matter what. Now it feel like I am doing it just to do it. Very weird feeling for me since I have been so consistently motivated, but I guess I am doing more unintentional practice off cushion anyways.

[Russell]

Sep 26 2012, 9:29 AM EDT

Last nights sit was weird. I had, what seemed like a random fruition that was nearly exactly like my 1st path fruition. Currently, the way I seem to experience fruitions are a couple ways: either they happen randomly and I only notice them by the flash of light a slight chill afterwards, or there is another kind where everything gets buzzy and then slight afterglow too. I can also make them happen is I resolve to have them. For example, I say "May I have a fruition in 30 seconds" and then forget about it and concentrate on my breath. 9 out of 10 times the fruition will just happen.

However, last night I was just sitting in a pitch black room and everything suddenly got darker, just like my first path fruition. I didn't notice much, if any, afterglow, but it was interesting nonetheless. Sitting was still somewhat of a chore, as it doesn't seem necessary, but I am still doing it.

Replies:

apperception
Sep 26 2012, 9:48 AM EDT

Is this an ability you acquired at 3rd path, or have you been able to do this for awhile?

Russell
Sep 26 2012, 10:11 AM EDT

I don't really know. It's something that I have tried previously without much success and maybe had it happen when in Review, but now I can try it just laying in bed and make it happen.

[Russell]

Sep 27 2012, 2:41 PM EDT

I can't tell what is happening as far a cycles are concerned in my sits, but off cushion I cycle wildly and rapidly. I can go from, calm, nothing could bother me mode to anxiety creeping in in a matter of minutes and back. Trying to ground the feelings of anxiety and having some success. So that is good.

Replies:

Russell
Sep 27 2012, 9:18 PM EDT

It's odd (well maybe not) but all those questions I had last week abut what is left, etc are gone...my sits consist of lots of wandering thoughts like I am a beginner again. Very weird. I have a lot of build up and anxiety about situations during the day but then the anxiety ends up not arising when the situations come up. Just another phase I guess.

giragirasol
Sep 27 2012, 10:32 PM EDT

Those swings back and forth are rather interesting, no? Like waves breaking on the shore or something. And simultaneously the "not needing to sit" - sitting doesn't really make anything change does it. It just makes a little quiet time to rest in the strange churnings of the process.

Russell
Sep 28 2012, 12:04 AM EDT

Well said. That's about how it feels now. Sitting is sitting. I'm not looking or expecting it to DO anything.

[Russell]

Sep 28 2012, 9:27 PM EDT

Well, what can I say other than I feel like a beginner all over again. Once again concentration feels lacking. Constant thoughts creeping in. No higher jhanas or NS. I am not looking for them or trying to make them happen though, that usually just leads to nowhere. Not frustrated, but confused. It seems all the seeking I have been doing for so long is gone. It's an odd feeling.

Anxiety is returning off-cushion though I can do some grounding if I catch it early enough.

[Russell]

Sep 28 2012, 9:28 PM EDT

Just realized my last 3 post are almost identical. Hah.

[Russell]

Sep 30 2012, 9:40 AM EDT

Similar sits. Time flies, no sleepiness, but lots of mental distractions. Jhanas seem to be gone so I am trying some noting again. Cycling around again I guess.

[Russell]

Sep 30 2012, 8:09 PM EDT

And...it's fading. This is insane. Cycles are speeding up. I am going through alternating periods of deep seeking, calm (like I found it and I am done) and then horrid Dark Night. Seems like the main cycle is happening in about a week or so now. Over and over...round she goes again.

[Russell]

Oct 2 2012, 9:55 AM EDT

Still in the funk, but got some good advice yesterday. It at least make me think a bit. Still been sitting at least ~30 mins a day. Last nights sit I finally has some interesting realizations that had occured to me before but not in such an experiential way. I was sitting and suddenly noticed that my mind was hunting of objects to pay attention to, when I saw through this and realized "I" wasn't involved, everything got very still. Then I started looking for elements of "me" and realized even the looking for "me" is selfing, so I let it go too. Subsequently, things kept arising and I kept letting them go and soon enough I felt like I had stepped back from all of it and was watching the dance from much futher away.