Russell's Old Journal

[Russell]

Sep 9 2012, 9:32 AM EDT

Must have been pretty tired last night because I sat (reclining on the couch) and the next thing I remember was my wife sitting down next to me. I must have been in some jhanic type sleep though because she said it took a while to get me to wake up. Ahh well, all I remember before that was getting fairly concentrated quickly. That's it.

[Russell]

Sep 10 2012, 8:42 AM EDT

Some more anticipating and striving coming up. Noticing it and backing down. Weekend of sits was full of tingly vibrations and squeezing at the temples/crown area. Not much more to report other than I am getting a little relief off cushion. Dunno why, trying not to point fingers at anything anymore. Good or bad.

[Russell]

Sep 11 2012, 9:45 AM EDT

Not even sure how long I sat last night. Felt like I could have just sat there forever. It was probably 50 minutes or so. Very relaxing after some initial fearful thoughts. I have been having this pressure at the crown all day but late last night it started at the 3rd eye and it was almost as if I was compelled to sit. Focus went immediately to the 3rd eye and locked on. I never reached the PL jhanas or NS but I also didn't try to do anything really. Just kind of letting my mind lead the way.

Off cushion. Things have finally let up a bit. Dunno why but maybe my insights in to my constant blame of one thing or another for my off cushion problems allowed things to open a bit. But there I go looking for a reason again. Hah.

[Russell]

Sep 11 2012, 10:28 PM EDT

Haven't sat yet today but I had to take note. General positive mood all day until about 4 when it just felt like a wicked dark night came on and I was irritated with everything. It made me see the difference between feeling like crap (sick or dizzy with my balance problems) and dark night. I don't feel bad when I cycle through the dark night but I just have a mood swing. Cranky, cranky. Then about 8 it just left me. No reason. Couldn't control it and I didn't try, just watched and tried not to let it bleed through. I wasn't very good at that.

[Russell]

Sep 12 2012, 11:49 AM EDT

As I wait for the iPhone 5 to be released I was reminded by Ken McLeod's quote about how technology is making us lose our Awe. He said: "Follow your Awe." It reminded me of seeing the Redwoods for the first time and how connected I felt to everything. Need to follow my awe more!

[Russell]

Sep 13 2012, 10:29 AM EDT

Sits the past few days have been similar. I notice lots of mind chatter at first. It calms down. 3rd eye and sometimes crown, just screaming with pressure. I don't notice jhana's by which one they are, but I notice state shifts. I seem to be cycling really fast these days.

[Russell]

Sep 13 2012, 5:24 PM EDT

Been meaning to note about something coming up in the last few days. I have had this feeling for such a long time that I care about progress - that is fading rather quickly. This is very strange for me being normally very goal oriented in a 'let's just get this done' way. I also feel like sitting is not going to get me to stop cycling. I can get all kinds of nice states going when I sit but I kind of don't feel like it will make me progress in a way. Very weird, because I have sat very single day since my first chat with Ron in December - I have refused to miss a day, even if it's for a short time. I still haven't missed, but the desire for anything other than just sitting without intention is all I do now. No more resolving to attain x or reach y Jhana. Intention to try to do anything leads to dissatisfaction. Really, all things lead to dissatisfaction it seems.

Anyways, I just needed to make note, because it will probably all change in 5 minutes.

Replies:

betawave
Sep 13 2012, 7:53 PM EDT

One thing that seems to be free of downsides, is to intend/resolve "may I awaken as quickly as possible, for the benefit of all beings." Remember, all beings include you, so this isn't a martyr's resolution.

Then just let practice happen!

giragirasol
Sep 13 2012, 9:42 PM EDT

Nice.

Russell
Sep 14 2012, 12:20 PM EDT

Thank beta! I looked back at my post and it sounded negative. I didn't mean for it to, it is just interesting and feels weird to come to a place where I feel quite differently about practice.

Last nights sit was more of the same but I remember having a sharp fruition, a real "What was that?" kind after I laid down to go to sleep.

[Russell]

Sep 16 2012, 7:14 PM EDT

Lots of short sits this weekend. Gearing up for a longer one in a sec. Not much to report. Very tired. Off cushion, seems to be the place to get the most practice in. I'm interesting in learning more about 3rd gear, but can't seem to grasp it.

[Russell]

Sep 17 2012, 10:51 AM EDT

I have this lingering feeling that is hard to describe. There is a desire to look for 3rd gear. Almost like I know what it means now in a true way, but I cannot surrender fully and see it yet. It's not really a desire, but a feeling that it is right there but the veil hasnt been lifted yet. Earlier, I always thought I had to stop resisting sensations. But all that is, is resistance of resistance. There has to be this mode where none of this is going on.

Anyways, practice update: Just sat last night. Thats all I can say about it other than i intend to nothing. Didn't notice any states or jhanas, then suddently my focus shifted up and out into PL1. Thats when I started 'un-letting go' (I was startled and tried to control the situation) and i shifted back down out of the jhana.

[Russell]

Sep 18 2012, 9:00 PM EDT

More of the same with practice. Every sit is different, so it is really hard to describe. Practice on-cushion feels somewhat the same as practice off-cushion. There is no effort in noticing, I just do. There is just an overall feeling that I have the key, but I don't know how to put it in the lock and turn just yet. Ron suggested I work trying to look deeper and find what I have not investigated fully. Look deeper into the unsatisfactoriness, etc...

This is a very paradoxical part of the path. Confused but not sure what I am confused about. I feel like I can see that this is all right in front of me but I can't truly see it yet. And on and on and on...