Russell's Old Journal

[Russell]

Dec 30 2011, 9:04 PM EST

30 Minutes vipassana tonight. Started noting right away, noticed 1st 5 nanas very clearly and very quickly, almost felt like I stayed in Dissolution the rest of the sit though. Was hard to note. Ringing in ears again and pulsing in right back of head/ear, hard to tell, did remember noting lots of itches and tried to really notice the end of sensations clearly.

[Russell]

Jan 1 2012, 10:40 AM EST

Last night, 1st nanas were much less clear but 5th was very clear, heard a firecracker go off, noted "hearing" then got visions of the dried christmas tree in my backyard getting a spark from the firecracker and setting the yard and fence ablaze. Noted "imaging thought", "unpleasant", "anxious", "scared", more "imaging thoughts." Brought up some major anxiety as earlier this year with all the wildfires in the area, we had to evacuate our neighborhood and 25 houses burned down just a 1/4 mile from my house. After that, I felt like I slipped back to Dissolution, because it just felt hard to note, but then got the itching and back pain, nausea etc. Nothing that I couldn't handle and note, but maybe this is Re-observation? Dunno, doesn't matter I guess. It's just increasingly getting harder to really do some good noting, getting a bit frustrated. I also have a bit of a cold again. (having 2 young kids seems to bring that on all the time this time of year) but I don't think thats why i feel so foggy headed.

[Russell]

Jan 1 2012, 8:53 PM EST

30 minutes tonight. Tried to start with concentration practice first and move to noting. Took longer to get going because of my cold, but got to A&P like stuff, then definitely went straight into dissolution, started to get hard to note, then got itches, no major grimacing, but something newish came up towards the end of my sit. I was getting like a static, almost prickling sensation all over my face and realized it was kind of all over my body. I was quite sleepy during this sit so it was much more difficult to note properly it seemed.

[Russell]

Jan 2 2012, 10:21 AM EST

Another note to self: Seems as though the DN stuff affects me way more off the cushion than on. I think already having large amounts of anxiety allows me to almost have to hunt for the symptoms when I am sitting. Well not hunt, just be very mindful, because amy natural state is already on pretty high alert. I feel more relaxed and calm when sitting even when I am itching, or having fear like visions etc, because for some reason I feel safe. On the contrary, off the cushion, anxiety and fears have multiplied and has not been a fun ride. New years resolution #1, try to note during the day especially during high anxiety moments, trying to find where the anxiety is in my body.

Anyone else experience this as well?

Replies:

Yadid
Jan 2 2012, 10:28 AM EST

I also find that I am much more reactive off-the-cushion if im currently in the DN, than on.

Noting during the day has been an amazing practice for me during the day, it allows me to have some of the sense of freedom which I get from sitting, while doing anything.

JLaurelC
Jan 2 2012, 1:52 PM EST

Same here. I have had overwhelming anxiety off the cushion during the DN, but meditating itself hasn't been that bad, although my concentration has been difficult and vibrations have been harsh. But the major part of my symptoms have been off cushion. I've also had some pretty bad nightmares. Noting helps a lot. Sometimes I've been too far advanced into the mindstate to get the wherewithal to note, but it's the ticket to more freedom nonetheless.

[Russell]

Jan 2 2012, 9:34 PM EST

Thanks. I figured I wasn't the only one. I am trying to hold it together. I have a cold right now so its even worse. And the cold is making my concentration turn to **** for some reason (I am really used to being able to breathe out of my nose and I can't at all right now). Well its either that or typical DN stuff. Did about 50 minutes today. I am ready to get back to normal life after all the holiday madness. Seems right when I sit and close my eyes i get flickering (strobing) immediately and then it settles down to lackluster concentration. Typical itches and lots of loss in concentration the last few days (monkey mind) which is odd cause my concentration has been fairly good in that regards lately. It has been hard to note but I never chase thoughts until the last few sits.

[Russell]

Jan 3 2012, 10:00 AM EST

Just making notes to myself again. I usually never remember my dreams but I had some anxiety inducing ones that kept me up last night. I also feel like the close people in my life are more distant but I don't know if it is me pushing them away or them backing off.

[Russell]

Jan 4 2012, 1:23 PM EST

30 Minute sit last night. Finally almost able to breathe out of my nose again, that helped. Still finding it frustratingly hard to note. Feels like backsliding, hard to even notice A&P like stuff but I'm trying. Off the cushion was a very mixed day yesterday. As my cold started feeling better I started having a much better outlook on life in general, but before that I was have a really rough time. Really feeling my "self" slip away yesterday during the bad anxious parts. I just felt obliterated like I was not the same person I was years ago, and what does that even mean? Who am "i"? What am "i"? How can "I" enjoy anything? Especially if i feel so crappy.

Feeling a bit better about things today, whatever that means. Of the 3C's, the "no-self" is the hardest for me to fully realize, and I am sure that is what all my DN stuff is about. I feel like I have solid insight into impermanence and suffering, but learning that it's not happening to "me" is proving tricky beyond a cognitive understanding.

[Russell]

Jan 4 2012, 9:02 PM EST

What a difference a day makes! Overall, I still didn't feel that great today, but went for a short walk to get lunch today and did some walking meditation (really just noting while walking) on the way there and back and felt much more chilled out. Then got home and got in 10 minutes before the family got home. In the 10 min session, got to A&P pretty quickly and stayed there just as they got home. Then after putting the kids to sleep I sat for 30 minutes more. This time, noting was still spotty but much better than before, hardly any slip-ups or distractions. I started getting very strange thoughts picturing myself out in the kitchen but it was like it wasn't me and I couldn't figure out who I was. Hard to explain. Really almost like looking at myself as a foreign being.

At one point i was getting itches so much that I couldn't note them fast enough, then I got the crazy involuntary facial muscle twitching like crazy for maybe 3-5 minutes which preceded some itches so bad I had to mindfully scratch them twice. Then when the twitches went away I got very blissed out, with what seemed like some bright lights. I was getting itches a bit but they didn't bother me, slight smile on my face, much more relaxed feeling, then I knew my timer was going to ring and it did at that moment. Also, noted a pitch change in my ear ringing, like I could hear ringing in my ears then all of a sudden it was like a pressure/pitch change to a much higher frequency.

Anyways, first time I have been back to feeling more blissed out and happy after a sit in a little while.

[Russell]

Jan 6 2012, 9:29 AM EST

Similar sit from last night. Not noticing clear nana other than the later DN stuff grimacing, itching, facial muscle spasms, then what almost seems like dissolution follows, but i see lights, no joy like raptures, but a chilled out state. Noting itches etc still, but I am less tense. After the sit I was really chilled out and happy. For example, last week, if I would have watched TV and there was a loud party type scene, and I would have placed myself in that scenario, i would have actually felt anxiety and fear. Watching something like that last night, I was happy and chilled out, even imagining myself in the situation. So, I am not sure if it is just because I feel better physically after my cold, or I am moving past some of the DN stuff. Only time will tell.

[Russell]

Jan 6 2012, 9:58 AM EST

Another note: I have asked Ron this question before but I thought I would see what you guys thought. Do any of you pre-path, or post-path people in retrospect feel like they are making all of this up in their head and that there is no way they can be progressing in this map almost exactly how it is spelled out? What I mean is sometimes I feel like there is no way I could be where I am at in the path, and that one day I am going to wake up and realize that I am pre A&P even, and that I was never even close to where I think (or was told) that I am. It's just so "unclear" pre-path it seems, sometimes things seem very clear, other times, not at all clear. It's almost as if the descriptions of the path can sometimes get in the way i guess. Am I the only one here that has these feelings?