Russell's Old Journal

[Russell]

Aug 28 2012, 8:42 PM EDT

Seeing some patterns here in my sits now that I think about it. I have a bit of a difficulty getting concentrated out of the gate but then I just start noting and eventually get to where I get very sleepy and nod a bit, but I am not falling asleep, I can sit back and watch all of this happen. Just as i am wanting to get up, concentration gets sharp again at about 30 minutes and this is when I hit a stride. Things get vibratory and I feel like I can sit forever. A couple of weeks ago I would get into this mode almost immediately. It's just taking longer now. Been using the witness to try to disembed even more and just watch everything as it is not happening to me.

[Russell]

Aug 29 2012, 9:20 PM EDT

Concentration came faster tonight. However, it is hard to find the witness state for some reason, either that or it is my default state now when I sit and I just don't realize it. Sometimes it does feel as I have taken a huge step back and I am just watching. But at certain points in my sit I can get lost in thoughts.

It's strange, I have this weird creeping feeling off the cushion that I just don't know where to go with my practice for the first time in a while. Could just be dark night talking but sitting seems a bit pointless, although I still do it every day. Every day mindfulness seems less. I think I just realized there is nothing I can do to progress, it will just happen on its own. No forcing, no wishing for paths or states. Just observing.

[Russell]

Aug 31 2012, 10:01 AM EDT

Had a good chat with Ron last night. Thanks Ron.

Dissatisfaction with everything is the flavor right now. Sitting won't help, feels pointless. Nothing will help. That is the key I think. Give in, Surrender.

One thing that I have notice. Been getting relief to my anxiety/tension when either I help someone or I hear that they are happy. This is not just compassion, this is true feelings of joy. It doesn't last long but I can literally feel tension leave my body when someone else tell me they are happy, etc...

[Russell]

Sep 1 2012, 9:25 PM EDT

Sits are strange. I am starting to get all vibratory again but I feel like mind does not want to do any "technique". I just want to sit there. Watch everything. I still get sleepy, nodding, but I never nod off, I can just watch it. Sometimes my perspective changes, but I can't figure out how to explain this, I'll work on it. Off-cushion still sucks but I am doing my best to really just look at anxiety and dizziness etc for just what they are.

[Russell]

Sep 2 2012, 2:24 PM EDT

Arghh. That sums up this part of the path. I feel like a newbie trucking through my first dark night but worse. I have had sme good moments when just watching the terrible sensations can diffuse them, so that is good.

Non-meditation seems to be my meditation the past few days. Just non manipulative sitting.

Replies:

cmarti
Sep 2 2012, 3:31 PM EDT

This sounds like classic second path confusion, which happened to me before third, so hang in there and try to relax into it. Again, fighting and pushing are going to be counterproductive. Just be.

Russell
Sep 2 2012, 6:20 PM EDT

Thanks Chris. I'm doing my best. It seems that's all I can do is just be. Still unsure if this is 2nd path confusion or 3rd path unsatisfatoriness. Neither is Ron, but the instructions are the same either way. So, only time will tell.

cmarti
Sep 2 2012, 7:09 PM EDT

Well, if I'm right then third path is coming, inevitably. If I'm wrong then congrats!

Russell
Sep 2 2012, 7:55 PM EDT

Honestly, I think 3rd is still coming. But after reading a few old logs, especially Ron's after he got 3rd, my experience is nearly identical to what he is talking about. The big high and access to the PL jhanas a few weeks ago, to now, the major unsatisfactory nature of everything. Ron and Owen talk about it a bit on his log. Either way. This too is temporary. It will all shake out.

cmarti
Sep 3 2012, 9:56 AM EDT

Yeah, we all experience things differently. Patterns exist at a high level but the details almost always seem to vary. My experience of the transition to early third path really had no element of dissatisfaction, frustration or confusion. It was truly a quiet, calm liberation from those as they were experienced during second path. If I were to be asked to use one word to describe second path it would be "confusing." My one word description of third path would be "peaceful." Of course, no one word description is very accurate

cmarti
Sep 3 2012, 10:13 AM EDT

One more thing: Expectations get in the way of real practice.

Just sayin'

Russell
Sep 3 2012, 10:42 AM EDT

Thanks. All stuff I need to hear.

[Russell]

Sep 4 2012, 9:47 AM EDT

So my sit last night was better in terms of nodding off. None of that. However, as I attempted to note/notice, every few notes my mind would slip into to some off the wall thought about something or other. I mean weird stuff. Made it very easy to see the not-self in them, however, it was distracting. Not frustrating, but I watched my mind do this over and over again, constantly realizing I was caught up in the thoughts then back to noting. Back and forth.

[Russell]

Sep 5 2012, 10:28 AM EDT

It felt like the absolute culmination of crap yesterday off cushion. Not going to get into details but I was having a hard time yesterday. Today too, but not as bad.

Last nights sit was interesting. I just let my mind do what it wanted and it locked right onto the 3rd eye right away. This was what it was like when I sat a few weeks ago. For some reason my mind just wanted to do shamatha and it locked on to its object strong. I sat for about 45 minutes and didn't notice any shifts into jhanas but noticed flickering and flashes of light, then finally (i am guessing) around 30 minutes i dipped straight into that same state I had a few weeks ago. My focus moved slightly up and back to behind the 3rd eye and everything immediately started wobbling and then sunk down into darkness. Not sure if it completely blipped out but I was buzzing with energy after this happened. I got up shortly after and got in bed, but I couldn't sleep. Mind wanted to still do concentration practice. Finally, I had to go the bed and rolled over and went to sleep.

Replies:

cmarti
Sep 5 2012, 1:54 PM EDT

My troubles off the cushion are great teachers.

Russell
Sep 5 2012, 5:57 PM EDT

Working with it. Thanks Chris.

[Russell]

Sep 6 2012, 11:32 AM EDT

Sat very late last night, super sleepy. Not a long sit. Nothing like NS or PL jhanas came up and get this - I didn't care. Now that's progress.

[Russell]

Sep 7 2012, 9:10 AM EDT

Off-cushion craptastic stuff still around. Just overall mega anxious (like pre-SE) and dissatisfaction with everything.

On-cushion: 2 sits last night. 1st sit = 35 minutes, concentration was good but thoughts still running around up there. Had some moments of what seemed to be clear cessasions and felt lots of nice vibratory stuff towards the end of the sit.

2nd sit = no idea how long, probably 30-45 minutes. Started with fluttering in the visual field, once that calmed down, had strong concentration, felt like I was getting hundreds of tiny cessations, just like strobing during parts of the sit. Then later I remembered something Antero said about NS. He said, don't just shift your attention to the spot where it happens, become the spot. I inclined to do that and felt a zooming toward the area and deep sinking into darkness, felt like my head was being squeezed in, then felt like my hearing went out, then thoughts. Not sure if I completely blipped out. I cant never catch these things, but it did feel like the reverse then happened. Kind of like I came back from it and was just left with blissful vibrations. Got up about 5 minutes later and continued practice in bed. Fell asleep pretty easily.

Replies:

RonCrouch
Sep 7 2012, 12:43 PM EDT

Russell, given where you are on the path and what is going on, there isn't much in the way of advice that will "help" in any way - the practice is doing you now.

I can only echo Chris here: don't let expectations or anything else get in the way. If you simply keep sitting, keep looking at what is going on moment to moment, this ride will come to a conclusion.

I will say though that this part of the path seems great some days and awful on others. Nothing seems to really "work" and all the prior states, stages and interesting insights seem totally unsatisfying. That is the last bit of motivation before you let go entirely.

Russell
Sep 7 2012, 1:07 PM EDT

Thanks Ron. Yes, it seems there is nothing I can do, per say. If I try to do something other than let my mind do what it wants, I end up horribly frustrated. Yet there is not much satisfaction in just sitting either. But the newest thing is that those sits where nothing seems to happen (I mean cool bliss stuff) don't bother me anymore. I don't check the clock to see how long I have sat. I dont set up up expectations for how a sit should be. Going with the flow I guess.

However, I still have a serious craving for the massive anxiety/dizziness to stop off cushion. It could be health related (inner ear problems) but either way, it's bad.

[Russell]

Sep 8 2012, 9:59 AM EDT

Realized blame is my biggest form of selfing right now. I try to blame my anxiety on health one day and when that doesn't satisfy I try to find a new blame, like "where I am in the path" etc. It's always something. I think this insight will help me watch that process a little closer.