Russell's Old Journal

[Russell]

May 5 2012, 9:32 AM EDT

So last night I sat for 55 min. Planned for an hour but got interrupted. But then right before bed (in bed actually) I sat for another 30 minutes and The last thing I remember was feeling as if my body was disappearing into the vibrations, then <can't remember>, then BAM!! Biggest bliss wave/absorption feeling I have ever had, it stayed for about a minute then faded and I couldn't sleep for at least an hour. No idea what this was but it came very fast, not like a gradual absorption. Not sure if it was path or not. I have a very busy day before I'll be able to sit to see if I am Reviewing or not. Don't necessarily feel different this morning, but I will be watching....

Replies:

giragirasol
May 5 2012, 10:39 AM EDT

My practice has not been heavy on mapping, but I have had several instances where I had a significant shift in insight/realization, and an energetic release (the kind of event you describe just now) and they were not simultaneous, happening several days apart. It always made me feel that the "path" changes are both instantaneous and at the same time more process-like, taking place over a period of hours or days, even if the instant of "click" or the "tipping point" is a (possibly unnoticed) split second. What was usually distinct to the change as a whole was a significant change in experience/understanding/perception, and often the really profound feeling that "nothing would ever be the same" even if I couldn't articulate exactly what had changed right away.

Russell
May 5 2012, 10:54 AM EDT

Thanks for that. The reason I am a bit confused is that stream entry was a pretty non-event. Had some profound insights and shortly after the lights went out, if you know what i mean. This has seemed like I have been gaining stronger and more profound insights as the path has moved along, with the latest shift about a week ago, and then this "big moment" happened last night. Like I said, still no idea what this means, if anything, but only time will tell.

[Russell]

May 5 2012, 10:59 PM EDT

Still unsure if this was path or not. It feels like when I sit I am right at A&P. Lots of energy pulses, squinting of the eyes, clenching of the jaw, but lots of joy. But it's intense. However, the rest of my sit was kind of blah, hard to tell what was going on, seems like I got into equanimity (vibrations in hands, 3rd eye, etc...), but then I got impatient and started trying to play with Jhanas so I dont think I experienced any follow up fruitions. I think time will tell on this one. I am traveling tomorrow, so we will see how meditation on the beach in the Caribbean is

Reply:

JackWick
May 6 2012, 2:32 AM EDT

your practice is sounding very positive. congrats. great timing for a trip to the caribbean...

[Russell]

May 7 2012, 3:03 PM EDT

Long day of travel with kids yesterday but I did a quick 20 min sit in bed last night and I swear I think I had like 5 fruitions. It felt like I kept going from A&P to EQ and right back over and over again. Sometimes as fast as in a few minutes. Is this even possible? I don't feel the discontinuity but I find myself right back at A&P it seems.

I was so tired I could be mistaken about all of this though. Still trying to figure out what is going on though.

Replies:

andymr
May 7 2012, 4:46 PM EDT

I don't hear you saying anything about bliss, but in several reviews now, I've gotten extremely blissful serial fruitions that would keep me awake for (sometimes) hours at a time. In most cases, they would come less than 30 seconds apart. Sometimes, I'd even get two or three in a row. I'd get up and walk around to try to get it to stop so I could get some sleep, but as soon as I'd get back in bed: BAM! it would start all over again. The bliss was pretty overwhelming.

Russell
May 7 2012, 5:07 PM EDT

It was like that with the first big one. Almost too much bliss to handle Last night was more subtle. Quick bursts of subtle bliss. I don't think anything could have kept me from sleeping last night. Almost 12 hours of travel with a 3 and a 5 year old and then time at the beach. Going to try again tonight. Maybe on the beach.

[Russell]

May 8 2012, 1:54 PM EDT

Trying not to get frustrated over the lack of ability to get good sits in here but the biggest shift for me seems to be that I almost cannot have the ridiculous, worrying thoughts I used to have. They are practically gone. I used to constantly think about what was going to happen next and how I could possibly be in an anxious situation, etc. Now the thoughts are just flat out not there. It's very nice but strange at the same time. I am used to my brain chattering away telling me danger is approaching but it seems to have either faded for the time being or I'm not listening to it.

Replies:

RonCrouch
May 9 2012, 10:42 AM EDT

you're really cooking along. Even if it is hard to sit and get into something formal, you can still make resolutions and make the most of what is happening. Right after a path there is usually a pretty sweet honeymoon phase which will fade over time. Since you are on vacation, I'd combine the relaxation and the honeymoon phase! Don't put any pressure on yourself, just relax and soak up this hard-earned reward!

AndyW45
May 9 2012, 11:43 AM EDT

Sounds like good stuff! Congrats!

Russell
May 9 2012, 4:08 PM EDT

Thanks guys! Still unsure of what happened because the lack of real formal sitting. Tomorrow night I am back in biz though and I'm going to get a good long sit in and see what's up.

Insight wise this seems more profound than SE but sensation wise it seems sort of mild but that could be lack of sitting..

[Russell]

May 9 2012, 8:47 PM EDT

Wow I am finding everyone's attitudes around me really frustrating. Especially when they big deals are being made about little stuff. Trying not to lash out, but wow is it frustrating.

[Russell]

May 11 2012, 10:45 AM EDT

Alright, back to life. It was hard not to beat myself up for not getting much practice in. Time to get some quality sits in to see what the heck is going on with my practice. I sat last night for 30 minutes and then at bed. The first sit was hard to tell what was going on as it started the loudest thunderstorm and heavy rain I have heard in a while. Sit #2, I still think I start at mild A&P, getting milder by the day it seems, cycle up to EQ rather quickly and then boom back to lights, slight rapture and joy. Quick cycles, not noticing all the nanas so much. I will resolve to see them more clearly tonight.

[Russell]

May 11 2012, 9:35 PM EDT

Just sat for 35 minutes. Immediately upon sitting I have brightness in visual field with kind of sparkles/TV Snow effect, joy and almost stuttering breath, focus tight, almost squinty eyes. Start to relax, then got lots of itches all over popping up everywhere but only lasted a minute or so until vibrations started. Seemed like I sat with the vibrations for a long time, with a few short blasts of bright lights, but then seemed to go right back to the vibrations. There was a few moments of pulling up feeling and dizziness, spaciousness, and then strong feeling of pressure or focus near the center back of head. Then back to a kind of boredom. Sit was all over the place it seems but I feel very chilled out now.

[Russell]

May 13 2012, 2:16 PM EDT

Had a couple days with some unwarranted anxiety again out of nowhere. Not sure whats up with that. My sit last night felt almost as if I went up the arc and then back down. Maybe I am starting Review Phase B. I will see how today goes to see if that is the case. I did not notice any more frutions for that sit.

[Russell]

May 13 2012, 10:12 PM EDT

More confused after tonights sit. Felt like started at mild A&P and had several state shifts, like slipping into more stable states as I got to EQ and just sat there. There were moments of blissful A&P type feelings that were quick and then I felt like I stayed in EQ but thing shifted into more a more expansive state where the body feels like it is nearly gone and then focus shifts to right behind my eyes while still feeling like the body is sort of disappearing in a way. Is this 5th and 6th jhana?

[Russell]

May 14 2012, 4:02 PM EDT

Having an strange time making decisions the last couple of days. For example, someone gives two options of what we could do one evening. Both options seem fine to me, no processing needed, so I keep telling them to make the call, because I am cool either way. Then I sit there and watch them process the decision with almost amazement at how they are trying to weigh pros and cons of each thing. So I jump in and just say "let's do option A" but they continue to have to process what option A is going to be like and are still thinking about option B, so I finally am just getting frustrated and letting others make the call.