Russell's Old Journal

[Russell]

Apr 17 2012, 5:04 PM EDT

Just realized how much metta I had to the dukka this time around. Very weird, it doesn't translate completely off cushion but I hope thats what it leads to.

Reply:

JackWick
Apr 18 2012, 5:19 AM EDT

Those not-self moments sound scary but also very encouraging

[Russell]

Apr 18 2012, 9:32 AM EDT

Vibrations are back, they start pretty quickly once I sit and get situated. Got interrupted by my sick daughter many times during my sits last night but still pressed on. Lots of flickering and tingling going on. Not bothered by anything.

[Russell]

Apr 19 2012, 9:49 AM EDT

Sat for 35 minutes last night followed by another 20-25 minute sit. The vibrations at my 3rd eye were so strong I went back for more. They stayed even after I sat. The funny thing is I had a couple moments that almost felt like a cessation and almost exactly what started happening before first path. I was sitting, and my thoughts were in a different language suddenly after realizing this i got a bliss wave/chill type feeling. Same exact thing happened during 1st path. I think I am just accessing very subtle mind states that are bringing up things I have learned from years and years ago. Don't feel much different today, likely some kind of near-miss thing again.

Anyone get a lot of headaches at this stage?

[Russell]

Apr 20 2012, 8:57 AM EDT

Sat for 2 X 30 minutes last night. Heavy vibrations, flickering, a huge jumbled mess of incomplete thoughts sometimes, broadened awareness, no urgency for the sit to be over at all thought. A little ability of more 2nd gear pulling away type practice where I can watch things from a bit more distance. It almost deels like I had a cessasion during one of the previous sits and then again in last nights sit but I don't think they were. Kind of like dreamy then bam, back into the vibration stuff quickly with a little shiver, but I don't think this was path or anything. Very hard to explain.

[Russell]

Apr 20 2012, 10:08 AM EDT

3rd eye is buzzing so hard right now, i think i need to sneak away and meditate...like now.

[Russell]

Apr 21 2012, 4:06 PM EDT

A bit over an hour sitting yesterday. At some point I felt like the practice was really doing me instead of me doing it, although the wandering mind was chattering away, I just watched all of it without care. Off-cushion, I have energetic anxiety. This happened last time in EQ as well, not sure why. Having more weird moments once again that seem to be acting on their own. The waitress came by our table at lunch (had lots of anxiety) and asked if everything was ok and I nodded but in my head my mind just said "It is OK and it is not OK"

3rd eye still buzzing away....

Replies:

JLaurelC
Apr 21 2012, 5:22 PM EDT

I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. All the best to you!

Russell
Apr 21 2012, 5:56 PM EDT

Maybe I am being dramatic. It's not necessarily bad, just destabilizing. I think you know what i mean.

[Russell]

Apr 22 2012, 12:19 PM EDT

Been bumping up the practice to over an hour a day sometimes longer. Something I have noticed is that I feel like I am not doing anything other than noticing at this point. Even if thoughts are running through my head, I am just letting them run free it seems. While I still try to focus my attention on my buzzing forehead, I am just letting things arise and pass without interfering. I wonder if that is ok at this point? I keep getting these full body trembles that are reminiscent of fruition aftershocks but I don't think I have had one…not sure. Had one last night that felt very "What was that?" Also, tried to tell myself to have a fruition in 10 seconds, then focused my mind on something else and I think I might have done it, but also, not sure again.

Baseline off cushion doesn't feel much different though. Any idea what these fruition-like bliss wave/trembles are?

[Russell]

Apr 22 2012, 8:24 PM EDT

Just tried to sit. Gave up after 25 minutes as I was nodding off and concentration felt like crap. Just thoughts coming from no where like crazy. Will sit again before bed.

[Russell]

Apr 23 2012, 9:56 AM EDT

Sat again last night. Not sleepy at all this time. I think I might have accessed something past 4th jhana but I am not sure if there was any scripting going on, so I am very doubtful. It felt like the wide focus from 4th jhana moved up and out but I could still feel my body but focus was out and above the head. Hard to explain.

Also, each time I try to call up a fruition, what happens is I tell myself to have a fruition in 10 seconds. Then I just focus on the breath very strongly, and then I shortly after, I have A&P type lights and slight rising absorption type energy.

Still very doubtful about a clear path moment or anything like that, so either I'm really close or it already happened and it was just way subtle compared to 1st path. However, I do not feel much different off-cushion, so I am very doubtful.

Replies:

AndyW45
Apr 23 2012, 4:45 PM EDT

Wouldn't it be nice if paths worked more like levels on an old videogame, eh?

Russell
Apr 23 2012, 4:52 PM EDT

Yeah I wish. Achievement Unlocked!!

[Russell]

Apr 24 2012, 8:35 AM EDT

2 sits yesterday. 1 x 35 min, noting turning into open awareness. got sleepy, bored towards the end. The 2nd sit was in bed after reading...don't remember much because the next thing I knew I woke up at 12:45am still sitting, haha. Note to self, when in EQ, don't meditate in bed. You will fall asleep.