Russell's Old Journal

[Russell]

Mar 15 2012, 10:13 AM EDT

Things continute to increase in intensity as far as the vibratory aspect is concerned. I have been getting to a place where it is almost full absorption but very wide focus and everything (sounds, thoughts, physical sensations) are vibrations.

[Russell]

Mar 16 2012, 11:03 AM EDT

Had what felt like some kind of near-miss last night. Sat 20 minutes and then another 25 minutes then got into bed, things were very vibratory and had some really absorption like quality to the sits. One time i felt like I got sucked up and to the left and was leaning that way. Once I lied down after the sits I was still very concentrated and I just focused on my breath intently, then I don't remember what happened before this but then I got a burst of light in my vision and a bliss wave. I think this repeated once more but I can't remember. Didn't feel like a fruition/cessation like I have had in the past. This morning, I feel pretty normal, I haven't had a chance to sit to see if there is any changes. I feel like it was a near-miss though.

Reply:

andymr
Mar 16 2012, 11:31 AM EDT

Curious indeed!

Russell
Mar 16 2012, 12:23 PM EDT

Hah. We shall see. I do feel increased energy which equals increased anxiety for me. Dunno what to make of that...time will tell.

[Russell]

Mar 17 2012, 10:02 AM EDT

Not sure what is going on. Have more energy but I think it was a near miss. Had a short sit after the virtual sangha last night and it seemed to take longer to get to cutting edge. I need a longer sit today to investigate.

Replies:

JLaurelC
Mar 17 2012, 12:30 PM EDT

What's your anxiety like post SE, Russell? Mine is less, but still there, and sometimes it can flare up. I can spend as much as several days in a fear state, but I identify it as such, and don't identify *with* it in the same way I used to. Still, it can be damned unpleasant.

Russell
Mar 18 2012, 11:13 AM EDT

It is still there as well here. I don't know if it is less or just a bit more manageable. It seems sometimes I have a bit more distance from it other times I can get back into the old feedback loop. It is really great when I can watch it arise and just notice it for what it is though. Never was able to do that before.

JLaurelC
Mar 18 2012, 2:52 PM EDT

it's a great thing to be able to sit back and see the old psychological habits doing their thing but losing power...

[Russell]

Mar 19 2012, 10:02 AM EDT

2 sits yesterday. First sit I was very sleepy, ended up lying down and dozing off for the last 10 minutes of a 40 minute sit. I think I am getting sick so I needed a nap or something. 2nd sit was for 40 min in bed and got into very vibratory EQ land with a few moments of what feels like absorption. Have pressure at the 3rd eye area today.

[Russell]

Mar 20 2012, 9:37 AM EDT

Trying to get more practice in. Sat for a total of maybe 1.5 hours yesterday. Getting into nice territory where I feel like most of my body is very light and almost not there. Vibratory stuff going on like crazy, strobing in the visual field, anticipation, path thoughts. Seeing thoughts bubble up and form for the first time before they become full thoughts. Good insights into how thoughts like imaging thoughts are not the actual object I am visualizing.

Replies:

mumuwu
Mar 20 2012, 2:40 PM EDT

Are you passing through the Dukkha Nanas at all?

If not, don't forget that 4th nana is often mistaken for equanimity and is characterized by "Vibratory stuff going on like crazy, strobing in the visual field, anticipation, path thoughts, etc." As well as "Seeing thoughts bubble up and form for the first time before they become full thoughts."

Good luck.

[Russell]

Mar 20 2012, 2:58 PM EDT

Thanks. I am aware of that and constantly am confused where I am this time around. That being said. This feels exactly like EQ from 1st path. I quickly pass through DN stuff, sometimes so fast, it is barely noticeable. This happened pre-SE too. So, not sure where I am, but I guess it doesn't matter

Replies:

mumuwu
Mar 20 2012, 3:02 PM EDT

I'd suggest trying your hand at the most detailed, in-depth, phenomenological journal entries ever. Its a great exercise.

Russell
Mar 20 2012, 3:06 PM EDT

Will do I am sure it will be helpful to me and others in the future. I'll try to begin posting right after my sits instead of the next day because it's hard to remember exactly what happened if I wait too long.

[Russell]

Mar 21 2012, 9:57 AM EDT

OK I'm already not going to be very detailed here. I was not feeling very well yesterday but sat last night and am not making notes until now. Tried to use/note my unpleasant sensations last night but I was very nauseous so it was tough. I do have to say, boredom and thoughts dominated the sit. I was easily getting lost/distracted with thoughts. Tried the "What will my next thought be?" trick, which worked for a bit but I kept getting sucked in. Physical sensations noticed: small amounts of itching early on which disappeared into hands tingling/disappearing, strong pressure/broken up particle like tingling at 3rd eye area. Hearing loud sounds sends shock like vibrations throughout my body. No waves of energy, just very neutral to everything.

Replies:

mumuwu
Mar 21 2012, 1:38 PM EDT

That's better... try being a bit more descriptive (understanding you didn't get the notes down until now).

An example from Nadav:

"30 minutes. went something like this:
rising, falling, rising, falling, sitting, hearing, coolness, bored, remembering thought, remembering thought, planning thought, itching-unpleasant, itching, itching, itching, reflecting, yawning, anticipation, tired, curiosity, pressure-unpleasant, itching, itching, itching, itching, itching, rising, falling, rising, falling, rising, itching, itching, unpleasant, intending to itch, itching, itching, frustrated, self-pity, frustrated, angry, tension-unpleasant,, tension, itching, itching, itching, aversion, frustrated, nervous, angry, tension, itching, itching, stretching, swaying, self-pity, angry, self-loathing, itching, itching, desire to shift, itching, intending to itch, itching, itching, rubbing, angry, curiosity, anxious... etc."

"Physical sensations noticed: small amounts of itching early on which disappeared into hands tingling/disappearing, strong pressure/broken up particle like tingling at 3rd eye area. Hearing loud sounds sends shock like vibrations throughout my body. No waves of energy, just very neutral to everything."

This sounds like 3 characteristics, but more descriptions over a period of time needed.

[Russell]

Mar 22 2012, 10:10 AM EDT

Last nights sit was interesting. I reminded myself to be diligent in trying to just see the stages of insight. I have been more inclined to drop noting early in my sits lately to more open awareness because that's what has felt natural. So i sat for the 1st 30 minutes and then lied in bed for the 2nd 30 minutes. Started with 3 X 10 breath counting and by the end of that immediately started noting, tingling in hands, itching, rising, falling, imaging thoughts, (3C's?) then moved to lights strobing, rising absorbption feeling, pleasurable (A&P?), then relaxed, difficultiy noting, remembering thoughts, planning thoughts, (Dissolution?) then heard a noise and created a strongly fearful thought around it that made me almost get up and check on my kids, there was some absorption feelings with this as well (Fear?) then I didn't notice the rest of the DN as clearly other than more itches, then came nothingness and boredom which led to more distracting thoughts, (Low EQ?) then strong vibrations especially in the crown and 3rd eye, this is when i feel like stopping noting, or slowing it down significantly and focusing on the vibrations in one area as I can get absorbed easily again (High EQ?) I sat like this for the last 10 minutes of the sit, got up, got into bed and started concentration practices just focusing on the breath again, but this lead to me just focusing on the vibrations at the 3rd eye again, more absorption like states, they feel like jhana's I cannot stay in for very long or that they start out very strong then smooth out. Finally flipped over and when to sleep. Did not feel like I went back down the arc but rather stayed in High EQ once I was there. Make sense?

Replies:

nadavspi
Mar 22 2012, 11:13 AM EDT

Russell, I would suggest that you drop the speculation about nanas in your reports (and in general if you can).
See if you can approach your sits with a curious attitude, rather than trying to recognize/fit it into a pattern.
I think noting is a good idea.

Russell
Mar 22 2012, 11:18 AM EDT

Thanks Nadav, I normally do and that is what I am comfortable with, but I just wanted to try and see if i could resolve to see them clearly for a sit and it seemed to work rather well. Normally I am not able or even 'try' to recognize them like this at all. Just an experiment really.

Clarification: I did this as an experiment after the discussion yesterday on where I may be on the path since I am a bit confused whether I am still in review or well on my way to 2nd path.

[Russell]

Mar 23 2012, 9:43 AM EDT

Late night sit after a long day yesterday. Started out very uncomfortable. Noted itching, rising, falling, tension, desire to change position, changed position a couple of times, more itches, then things calmed down a bit and started getting the tingling in hands and pressure/tingling in forehead. Noted hearing, startled, confusion, frustration, imaging thoughts, tingling, pressure, self-doubt. All in all a more unpleasant sit than the recent weeks.

Reply:

mumuwu
Mar 23 2012, 9:56 AM EDT

Sounds like 3 characteristics. Maybe it's the new path.

[Russell]

Mar 25 2012, 4:36 PM EDT

Friday nights sit notes: rising, falling, itching, wanting to change position, tension, pressure, tingling, then eventually calmer, some lights, rising energy (not huge but there) quickly followed by hard to note, coolness, lost in thoughts, desire to get up

Last night: Super tired, noted lots of tingling, pressure at 3rd eye are, nodding off, bored, difficulty noting, desire to look at timer. I looked, still 8 minutes left of a 30 min sit. Wow, I figured I was almost at 30 mins. Continued, more tingling, tried shifting to concentration practice and calling up jhana's, it worked but they are pretty subtle because i was so sleepy i think, definitely noticed eye position changes when calling up jhana's. That's all for now.