Russell's Old Journal

[Russell]

Feb 17 2012, 9:31 PM EST

Overall, had some tough times today and some really truly great times today. When it was bad, I did feel like I got caught up in the anxiety a quite a bit, but when it was good it felt the best I have felt in probably 3-4 years. Ears unclogged, not dizzy, seeing clearly.

Anyways, I am pretty sure I am in Review. My sitting experience is VERY different than the last month or so where I would shoot up to EQ very quickly without noticing the DN stuff or A&P much at all. Tonight I just sat and had pretty intense A&P for what seems like 5 minutes almost. It was so easy to note though, just rolling fast. Then I noticed dissolution because the noting got sloppy, then the DN stuff was mixed up a bit, but this is the first time in a while where I clearly saw disgust and misery. Had the grimaces and itches and all. Then things smoothed out to EQ, but then it seems to get more fuzzy, I am not sure if I went up to high EQ and that was it, or if I had an unnoticeable cessation and went back to A&P. Hard to tell, but I did get a bit rapturous and lights after being in EQ for a fairly short time. All of this happened within 25-30 minutes. I'll keep reporting.

Replies:

nadavspi
Feb 17 2012, 10:26 PM EST

Yep. Congrats.

Russell
Feb 18 2012, 9:58 AM EST

Thank you. I have made my resolutions and trekking on. Still feel the strong changes in energy this morning and it took me a while to get to sleep last night. Kind of hoping this will calm down here soon, but trying to dissembed from the sensations all the same.

[Russell]

Feb 18 2012, 12:19 PM EST

Quick question RE: jhana jumping. I have tried this a couple times and I definitely can notice shifts and changes when I try it but it is more subtle than I have experienced in the past. Is this normal? Will it grow/change/intensify with practice? Also, I was wondering if it could be useful if I am feeling anxious to step away to somewhere quiet and go into say, 4th jhana (hopefully brewing up some equanimity towards things) steep for a minute or so and then return to what I was doing.

Replies:

RonCrouch
Feb 18 2012, 12:33 PM EST

Congrats! What exciting stuff!

As for your question, others can chime in on this as well and offer their opinions, but I found that the jhanas were more subtle than I expected after SE. I could tune to them but they didn't suddenly blast into being, it was more faint than that. However, I found that if I got very concentrated first, then tuned to a jhana, it would be much stronger.

As for using jhanas to manage anxiety - go for it! That is a way better solution than what most people use. Just be clear in your mind that this is what you are doing it for and don't get your intentions about the sit mixed up. Hope that helps - congrats again!

nadavspi
Feb 18 2012, 2:57 PM EST

Hi Russell,

My experience was like Ron's - jhana jumping immediately after stream entry was vague, and honestly not very rewarding. I would use this time to just sit and let the process unfold naturally. The jhanas will probably become more clear with time, and it can be fun (and helpful for the future) to start to pay attention to the shifts you experience while you sit.

I did a write up of a very helpful session I had with Kenneth soon after I got 1st path. You might find it helpful to orient yourself to the review cycle and start to gain some mastery over the jhanas as we talk about them here. Let me dig it up... <link dead>

Regarding your question about using the jhanas in daily life, I think this is a great time to experiment with that. Dunno if it'll work for you, but Kenneth's Mahamudra pointer of listening to the ships in the harbor (knowing you can't hear them) was very useful and profound for me during review and usually revealed 4th jhana.

Remember that it will take some time for this to settle. Things will definitely calm down. Review was a very enjoyable time for me, so I was in no rush to get out of it and start the next path. Of course, stream entry was also when I realized this stuff happens on its own accord when the conditions are ripe...

Russell
Feb 18 2012, 3:06 PM EST

Thank you both. This is really helpful. I have some reading to do. Anyways, the reason I am asking is I am still having moments of major panic type anxiety. I feel like I need to just lay down for a week. I truly hope this calms down.

JLaurelC
Feb 18 2012, 11:55 PM EST

Russell, the same thing happened to me. Give the process time. Some helpful things to remember:

You may find yourself having lots of panicky thoughts. Let them come and go without attaching to any of them. The one thought that helped me, though, was that my sweet little lizard brain was just running around in a great big tizzy trying to protect me from something strange that it couldn't recognize. Send some metta to your lizard brain. Even imagine a little creature that's utterly clueless and send some love to it.

Remember that whatever you're thinking and feeling right now is temporary. It will not last. Things will sort themselves out, but they'll take time.

Another thing: I did practices that grounded me, like walking meditation. I really focused on the sensations of the soles of my feet hitting the floor. Do it barefoot. If you sit, watch and feel your breath go in and out of your belly. While you're at it, send your attention to your bottom on the cushion. If you can get outside for walks, do that.

I also let myself engage in distraction, like reading a novel or watching a video. I still do. What I found immediately after SE is that I didn't want to let myself get too concentrated. Others may differ, but that's what it was like for me. This whole process is disorienting, especially to fear types like us. We're just doing what we do best, right? But then every so often I'd drop into a lovely moment of calm. Savor those moments. They're real.

Oh, and one last thing: I kept feeling defective and guilty that I wasn't having the kind of good time that I thought I should have been having (which goes to show that a person can drag her silliness with her across this threshold). These too are thoughts to be noticed and allowed to come and go.

Lately I've been reading Adyashanti's *The End of Your World*--fabulous book.

RonCrouch
Feb 19 2012, 12:56 AM EST

These are both wonderful - Nadav - I love your description of the jhanas. Laurel, that is such helpful and practical advice. This is why the forum exists. Awesome stuff.

[Russell]

Feb 19 2012, 10:13 AM EST

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Nadav, very awesome post on the jhana's. I have it bookmarked and will use it as a guide.

I had a very rough patch yesterday but continue to get glimpses of those moments of calm you speak about, Laurel. Thanks for the book recommendation. Glad I have a Kindle, already downloaded and ready to go. Looks really good. I have to say Laurel, I do not know you personally, but I followed your journey (because a lot of it lines up with mine), and when you got path it was very inspiration to me, so thank you for posting here.

Big Thank you to Ron. The best move I ever made was to stop being scared to try vipassana and reach out to a teacher to guide me through this. Very glad I found you.

And thank you to all the people here that have posted their own journeys, just reading through the posts helps immensely. And I have to say thanks to Kenneth, Vincent, Daniel, and Lama Surya Das who all indirectly led me here somehow.

This will all be worth it.

[Russell]

Feb 19 2012, 3:14 PM EST

Things are better today. Was up very late last night though driving home from visiting family and when i finally got home I went to bed but closed my eyes and had massive strobing immediately. It calmed fairly quickly. I think I am going to do most of my sitting at night after the kids are in bed and the day is done, at least while I am settling in to this.

[Russell]

Feb 19 2012, 8:52 PM EST

Did a 35+ minute sit tonight after a good day (finally). Noticed less energetic A&P and then things became blurred after I noticed Dissolution. However, I kept having what felt like mini absorptions. Kind of like entering Jhanas but not very intense, almost like state shifts of some kind. Once again I didn't notice a cessation but at some point it seems like I was back at A&P, but I'm not sure. I was a little sleepy during the sit, but it's amazing how good my posture and concentration is, despite being a little drowsy.

Replies:

betawave
Feb 20 2012, 7:30 AM EST

A belated congratulations Russell!

Russell
Feb 20 2012, 10:46 AM EST

Thanks. Still doesn't feel real. This morning hasn't started out that great. Trying to tell lizard mind that it's ok!!

[Russell]

Feb 20 2012, 10:29 PM EST

The morning crud left me about noon and I have truly felt great the rest of the day after doing a little bit of concentration practice. It seem thats all my mind wants to do. When I sit, its like instant concentration and everything is so still. My mind wants to either just do open awareness or concentration practice and not noting for some reason. Really feel some great moments of clarity today. Seeing how silly my mind was acting before. I used to cause so much of my own suffering. It feels like the first glimpse at something so much bigger.

[Russell]

Feb 20 2012, 11:09 PM EST

Just has another quick sit. Tried noting this time. Noticed A&P right away. Almost got absorbed in what I am assuming is 2nd jhana because it correlates to A&P. Noticed sluggish noting then right to grimacing/quivering around nose just like how disgust presented itself back when I was in the dark night. Then i didn't clearly see anything else till EQ but I seemed to just stay there and. It repeat the cycle. Should I be getting fruitions at this point? Or do these things take time to settle in still.

Replies:

nadavspi
Feb 21 2012, 1:56 AM EST

You are getting fruitions, just not noticing them. Whenever you find yourself immediately in A&P from equanimity it means that one happened. I personally didn't actually notice them until after 2nd path.


PEJN
Feb 21 2012, 6:58 AM EST

[Russell]

Feb 22 2012, 9:48 AM EST

2 semi short sits yesterday. 1st sit was more concentration based practice. I noticed almost right away that I can get absorbed in 2nd jhana (corresponding to A&P) quickly if I incline towards concentration. Was very tired last night, but my second sit I tried my best to note and it was a short A&P right away, then Dissolution (noting lag, relaxed) then DN stuff itching etc, no grimacing this time, I seemed to jump to EQ quickly this sit, then found myself back at the beginning again (I think) My A&P symptoms have never been as crazy as some people mention here. More subtle, but I found my focus go from expansive and calm, to kind of an eyes squinting sharp focus with lights and rising heartbeat. It's funny, I was absolutely exhasted but my concentration is so good now, I feel like I sit like a Zen monk, unmoving, good posture...

Daily life has been getting better. Less energetic off the cushion. Sometimes I find myself giggling at the way my brain used to work. I used to think all kinds of stuff caused my suffering. I would say to myself, ohh I shouldnt have had that cup of coffee, now I feel dizzy; I bet the allergies are bad today, my ears are so clogged; if I eat this, it will make me feel bad, etc... Now all of this banter I had in my head seems silly, so I have days now where I really feel good and not beaten down by my internal dialouge of questioning why I am suffering.

Does this stick? Or will I most likely fall back into my old ways of thought when the next path starts?

Replies:

Rob_Mtl
Feb 22 2012, 1:16 PM EST

I'm always late for the party... it's great to see that your practice has borne fruit!

If your experience is like mine, then later on, there will be times (many) when you FEEL like you are back to your old ways, but with a bit of reflection, you realize that, while the pattern is the same, the *intensity* of suffering you used to feel just isn't there. It's not the end of bad days, by any means. But you are so much better-armed to handle them now!

Russell
Feb 22 2012, 2:43 PM EST

Thanks Rob. I feel better armed, however, things are still unsettling at times. Litterally feel like I am cycling all the time I guess, sometimes things are really good and sometimes it hard to get out of my head again. Tricky stuff.

[Russell]

Feb 23 2012, 9:45 AM EST

Last day and a half I have been having trouble keeping old mind habits at bay. Felt a lot like right before SE again. Kind of anticipation and anxiety about physical sensations. Now, I don't want to go guessing, and this seems way too soon, but I felt like I might be shifting to Review Phase B already. Last night when I sat, it took a tiny bit of settling to get A&P like stuff, then I went up to EQ and then the annoying whack-a-mole itches started again like I was going back to re-observation instead of jumping into A&P again. I have to try this again to see but in retrospect, thats what it felt like.

[Russell]

Feb 24 2012, 9:28 AM EST

I didnt get to sit much yesterday. Only maybe 25-30 minutes. OK, maybe it's because I don't have a lot of motivation to sit, but I am still sitting no matter what. Anyways, it felt more solid than it has in a long time. By solid, I mean that, I feel like I just sit, not as much vibrations, more gross sensations. I'm going to talk to Ron about all this tonight, so that is good. However, I had a strong distaste to all the maps and path lingo yesterday. I am not sure why, but Post-path they seem like they are less useful and I don't want to focus on them. When I sit, I just want to sit and not think about where I am.