Rod's Practice Journal

[Rod1]

Log update 22/03/2013
Last night session was a pretty uneventful session compared to recent events. Sat for 50 mins then lay down for 1 hr moving through jhanas reaching 4th then exploring this 'new territory' which might be 5th. No agitation like last night - so pretty similar sit to the morning sit. Less intense itching in the face - maybe because I seemed to move through things faster this time. Got to '5th' and stayed there and watched the flickering and tried to detect inconsistencies in rate and noted the 3 dimensional nature of the shapes by way of the flickering being stronger and sharper on the parts of the shapes that were closer to my awareness than further away, as usual alternating awareness/attention from flickering shapes to maintaining the stability of the state - I guess this is what is described as insight and concentration together.

Log update 23/03/2013
Note: had a drink with colleagues after work and gossip-style conversations ensued. I watched how I felt very little urge to be involved and found I was putting forward balancing comments to counter the negative points being raised about particular people. Right speech has really increased in my thoughts lately and the workplace is the most difficult place to practice it.

Last night got to meditate (lying down) a bit later than usual (10.20) but being Friday night, no need to get up early in the morning. So tried to 'jump' into 4th jhana straight after a short breath watching. Got there eventually but was dropping in and out and it was really interesting. Out of the state, I observed strong energy moving around and then I would get into the jhana and it was all smoothed over and muted. Very interesting effect like turning noise cancelling on and off on headphones. I got into 4th and stabilised and watched flickering and shapes, thoughts, feelings, tensions build and relax in my neck and shoulders. I presume I fell asleep a couple of times but when I 'came to' or became aware again, i found I was still in the concentrated state and the flickering would start really slow (about 1 or even less per second) then gradually speed up. I checked the clock and it was 12.30 so went to sleep.
Woke up at 4.30am and started to watch breath noticing that the thoughts that have abounded at this time in the past were reduced to one or two thought 'streams' only. Moved through jhanas 3rd and stayed a while then onto 4th but had difficulty getting beyond that so stayed there and watched. In the last half hour, I moved out of the meditation and just noted including noting breath got up 8.20am. Something interesting I found was how close to the 'surface' the meditative state is getting to wakeful state - of course what level of concentration that can be accessible is highly variable given the situation, but over time, it seems that there has developed a much thinner line between alert/awake and meditative state. I guess someone adept at wakeful noting would know this territory very well. I presume this could be useful in practice and will explore more - although getting hit by a bus would not be so useful I can imagine.

Post: After reading some articles - I realised I need to watch/consider 3 C's more during sessions.

[Rod1]

Log update 24/03/13

Last night sat for 50 mins on seiza bench then transferred to lying down for 1.5 hrs then went to sleep. Spent longer on breath before getting into Jhanas to improve concentration before starting. Spent more time in each Jhana and when getting to 4th, I stayed for a while watching sensations, formations, flashing and thought streams then spent the rest of the session exploring the 'new territory' of what I think is 5th jhana. It was not as easy to get into as it has been over the past week and I think it was technique related. I was definitely forcing things and getting focused on one particular way which probably was not helpful. Focusing on the infiniteness of space separate to me rather than including me/my perspective, in that perception/relationship. Once I started doing that, things opened up further to a more expansive awareness than 4th although the edges between the 2 are pretty blurry and I am not convinced that its a different jhana yet. Whatever the case its a peaceful and still state and good to perform insight from. From this point and whilst in 4th Jhana, I noted the lack of self in whatever I was aware of and also the impermanence of it. Not sure I am doing this effectively as it is pretty easy to do and I know this to be true already so there is probably something I a missing about this an will search info further for technique descriptions.

Woke up this morning at 5.20am and started with the breath for 30 mins approx then worked through jhanas till 8.05 The objectives for this session were to practice swapping between jhanas (not in order) and also to drop out of jhanas to evaluate the mental strata at that point and try to become aware of any distinguishing characteristics of corresponding Nanas at that level that I might have access to. After reading an article last night on Hamilton Project website http://thehamiltonproject.blogspot.com.au/2011/01/talking-in-jhanas.html I felt this was worth experimenting. It also was encouraging as it suggested that access to jhanas and using jhanas in practice did not negate development and movement through Nanas. So I spent time trying to do correlate between the two. This was not overly successful and probably needs practice. No problems getting in and out of Jhanas and moving between them (4th to 2nd was easy but 4th to first was a little tough - jarring) I also found after spending a fair time in 4 and 5th(?) it was difficult to get back to the lower jhanas - the mind would snap back up to the stable calm state of the higher Jhanas. Watching for evidence of Nanas was hard. THe only evidence I have ever tended to get is the intense itching on the face around the nose and ears usually at one point through the course of a session which I am told is either 3rd or 9th Nana. So I know I am crossing that territory. The other hint is that sometimes the thought streams that pop up might be of a particular 'flavour'. There may be something pop up or you find the mind gets caught up in thoughts that are unsavoury or distasteful which I can only surmise might be evidence of passing through the Dukkha nanas. So part of my effort here was to watch the 'flavour' of thought streams that emerge at the time of dropping out of a Jhana as possible evidence of the nana area I might be in. Sound all pretty logical etc but it seems my experience of the nanas is pretty subtle - this may have to do with the particular style of meditation I have chosen to develop as a platform (shamata). I also found as the session progressed that thoughts tend to be pretty sparse - the inner chatter is pretty low. I will keep up with this though because I am always worried that not much is happening - I feel I should be 'doing' more. There is plenty to do with daily practice, no dispute there and am increasingly looking at mundane behaviour patterns to challenge what I do and why and if it is helpful to my practice or indeed beneficial to those around me.

[Rod1]

Last night sat for 45 mins on bench then 2 hrs lying down (8.30 - 11.15). No specific phenomena to report - moved up and down Jhanas, stabilising in each and holding in 4th. Tried to sync up all sensory sensations with flashing again and consider this from the point of impermanence, no self and dissatisfaction/suffering (3 C's) I did this and it all made sense but can only assume its useful on a subconscious or very subtle level. I saw all sensate experience as a changing set of scenes synced to rate of flashing like the scenes on a movie reel. Each iteration requiring the whole sensate impression to be reconstructed at the rate of more than once a second. I marvelled at how much energy this would take the mind to do. Then I wondered about the backdrop to all this - nothing? - and how I might change perception to pickup the non-view rather than the view of the flashing. I expanded my awareness of this to take in all sensate experience at the time - people walking outside, cars going past, wind blowing trees, TV in the other room and the general 'noise' of existing. This was what I started to do when I first had experiences of blackout blips etc so maybe this gem has already been realised or further understanding is to found at levels of subtlety I have yet to reach. Generally, experiences have plateaued similar to a point I reached a few weeks ago before blips and crazy energy experiences etc.

This morning started meditating at 3.40am as I woke and continued to 6.30 when I got up. Started with first half hour of breathing and similar to last night - moved through jhanas, this time practicing jumping non-sequencially. This time noted I was tired and mind more distracted than usual (although not uncontrollable). This time, I tried looking for signs of nanas (feelings, correlating thoughts etc) and found little however overall feeling was not as calm as has been for the past couple of weeks. I have noticed fatigue/stress this morning. Once at work mid-morning I felt more calm and content and sense of equanimity from then on.
Have not been diligent with daily noting so will step that up to get things moving again (if that is what should happen).

[Rod1]

Log Update 26/03/2013

Last night sat for 45 mins with no Jhanas - just sat and watched. Various shades of difference but basically going into ever deeper concentration with occasional intrusions of piti at the beginning but disappearing as I got deeper. Watching sensations again. Transferred to lying down and continued meditating for 1.5 hours with Jhanas - easy movement through Jhanas and practiced traversing the jhanic arc at least through the first 4 as Kenneth F mentions. The 5th(?) jhana or open space state is tricky to get into and very connected to 4th so still not clear on it. Felt a bit aimless at this point and a little concerned - watched the concern and let it go. What ever is or isn't happening is as it is (alot of is's ).

Woke up at 5.00am and watched breath through to 6.55 and got up. Noted I was tired, but not struggling and watched thought strings - for the most part I was able to watch them form and fall back to nothing once I had identified them. The concern returned but at that point I tried to jump to 4th Jhana if only to put myself in a calm state of mind for the day at work.

During lunch I was surfing on DHO and found a quote from Kenneth F regarding how to recognise Nanas which really clarified some things for me - quote as follows:
Some people are able to sustain themselves in equanimity even between retreats, but it isn't that they don't fall below it; it's that the highest ñana that you are able to achieve in your daily sittings tends to color your entire day. The cutting edge of practice, in this case equanimity (11th ñana) has to be reattained in each sitting. You start out at each sitting pre-first ñana, and if your practice is very good and the momentum of daily sitting is strong, you can rise up to your cutting edge in minutes or seconds.
If you are used to thinking of ñanas as lasting for some period of time, you can miss this. But if you pay careful attention during the first few seconds of your sitting, you can see the early ñanas flash by. The easiest one to spot, as always, is the 4th (A&P); you might notice a brief bout of white light and/or a vibration in one of the extremities. This will quickly give way to a more diffuse awareness, perhaps a sense of coolness on the skin, and a feeling of chilled out bliss (all 3rd jhana/5th ñana phenomena), then a little rough patch of unpleasant sensations (dukkha ñanas 6-10) before the equanimity settles in. All of this can happen in less than a minute, so you really have to be on your game to notice it. If you stop meditating for a few weeks you can get rusty, and this process of rising up to the cutting edge of your practice will take longer.

After Path, it's always effortless and instantaneous to get up to the A&P, even if you haven't practiced for awhile; in fact this is what is pointed to in the Buddhist cosmology when they say that after 1st Path you'll never again be reborn in the lower realms.

I really didn't realise that you can zip through Nanas so quick and was thinking that I wasn't moving through them at all because I was not aware of them like many others have stated they are. So reflecting on this through the afternoon whilst working, I sat as soon as I got home to try it out. I watched closely as I started to meditate and whilst it is either really really fast and I still can't see any, or I just don't get it yet. There were changes - Meditation for me always starts with lots of piti and sukkha even if I am not trying to get into Jhana - could I take this as A&P? there is always some early disturbance which I presumed was just settling down - are the early Nanas of dissolution and Dukkha nanas being experienced here? I usually pass through some intense itching on the face in every session - sometimes a lot, sometimes a little. Is this one of the Dukkha Nanas? I always get to a deeply concentrated state (different time to get this) and then stabilise and try to see what I can see. Is this equanimity? OR is all this still at A&P or earlier and I am actually only at the beginning of this little map and have misunderstood completely? Maybe I am just not the right person for this type of mapping of practice?
Reflective Note: Interesting questions but will keep going no matter what - motivation is high and the only way through it is through it so will continue regardless. Whatever the case, I have spent the last 5-6 months developing abilities at Jhanas/concentration which is a good platform to start with and was my original strategy. I also know I am going to look back at this and feel like an idiot to have wasted time pondering such things ! So continue I will (Yoda I have become )

[Rod1]

Log Update 29/03/2013

Really busy at work and evening work commitments have made practice difficult and the only sure result has been fatigue. I have been able still get 2 sits per day in each around 1-2 hrs. Today is Good Friday and I have taken the opportunity to sleep and shed fatigue as best as possible. Then 3 days of stronger practice (Monday is public holiday here too).

Practice components included Jhana 'surfing' and watching sensations, phenomena etc in 4th and between jhanas. Fatigue has made it difficult to concentrate. Have also tried 'dry' sits with no jhana to try and watch for evidence of moving through different nanas - still hard to see any particular characteristics.

Overall, despite maintaining momentum, I am not sure what to do now except practice, watch and wait. Clearly I am in new territory but its pretty uninspiring. Prior to the 2 week period where clearly transformative phenomena occurred there was a build of intensity and motivation climaxing at that 2 week period which concluded with an A&P event (don't know what else I could have been). Noticed dissolution after that and now things have flattened right out with little energy - not feeling bad, maintaining good humour and detachment - just perplexed. I have watched that and using the observations of these feelings to question motivations etc, so not wasting the opportunity to practice. Work has been particularly demanding lately and this is impacting practice - although I notice that I am less emotionally caught up in things - still trying not to waste time dwelling on stupid stuff.

[Dan G]

Hey Rod,

Been reading your practice journal and appreciate you sharing it. I wish I had some answers for you. However, I do think that with the quality of your practice coupled with the quality of your journaling, things will shake themselves out and look clearer in the rear view mirror. You probably already know that. Keep up the good work and enjoy your long holiday!

[Rod1]

Hi Dan,

Thanks so much for your message - amazing how a few words can be so encouraging especially at the moment where things seem pretty flat for me, so thank you . Reading through your log I really admire your perseverance to practice through your busy life, integrating your practice with daily obligations such as work and 1 year olds. You have set up a great framework to support your practice with the UU group and regular instruction sessions from Ron as well. I find reading about your approach to insight helpful too as this is an area I feel I need to develop, having spent more time on concentration up to now. Thanks and best wishes for your progress too.

[Rod1]

Log Update 30/03/2013
Very tired yesterday - slept in the afternoon for about 3 hours with the last hour doing some lazy meditation - not normal for me.
Had a dull headache and feeling pretty flat - so early evening took a headache tablet. Meditated for 1.5 hours and noticed that 1st and 2nd jhanas were not comfortable but 3rd jhana helped ease things as did 4th. So took refuge there for the time and watched sensations from 4th jhana. Energy was jagged with flashing very high and big and aggressive. Can only imagine I am in Dukkha Nana territory, (I think I have been here before - it lasted a day or so just after Christmas). Went to sleep and had unpleasant dream. Interestingly, none of this is upsetting me - its not great but I feel a bit detached from it. I watched the dream and realised it was not pleasant but that was all.

Woke up this morning at 5.00 and tried to meditate. Watched the breath for a while then jumped straight into 3rd jhana since the flashing and energy was still big and unsettling - got to 4th and found peace there. Finished at 6.30 and got up. Had session with Kenneth and this helped alot. We looked at insight techniques using the feeling of pressure I have been feeling at the top of my head which correlated to a feeling of some process that was yet to finish - a feeling of energy flowing up to the top of my head and not being able to go anywhere. This causing tension. I was encouraged to search for corresponding tensions elsewhere in the body and work to ease those. I did this and found and easing of the top of head tension. I felt alot better after this and have felt back to my normal happy self since then. This has given me an angle I had not used before and I am looking forward to expanding this approach in insight meditation. I am not sure if what I went through was stream entry or not - but I do feel as if starting again - wherever that is on the path probably doesn't matter really - it is what it is. The fact is, there is still much to learn and much to let go of - much craving and aversion to understand and see through.

[JLaurelC]

Hi, Rod, I read through your journal and am wondering whether you ever got an idea of what was happening back at the beginning of the month. It sounded like a breakthrough of some kind. Also, the event about 10 days ago, with the pressure in the head and the vision. To be honest, I am not all that great at mapping. It sounds similar to my A&P experience, at least the pressure in the top of the head. I had strong pressure that climbed up my neck and to the crown, then subsided several times (this was prior to first path). When I finally reached steam entry months later, it felt like the top of my head blew off. Maybe this is the opening of the crown chakra.

Shinzen Young talks about the need for more data to get a clearer sense of how people experience these nanas. These journals of ours are a great place to start, I'd say.

[Rod1]

Hi Jane,

Thanks for your email and appreciate your comments. To be honest I am not sure what has happened over the past month - the initial experience was after a build up of energy and on the day it happened I was walking around all day experimenting with broader awareness around me as a way of mopping up mental bandwidth (similar to noting except broader noticing). I found this fairly easy to do and by the end of the day was light headed, feeling euphoric and very concentrated. Then as the log entry for that day shows, things got really crazy. Since I had 3 black blips (2 in that first evening during meditation, then 2 weeks later, another one whilst getting out of bed an not meditating) I was thinking stream entry, because they were so unique, distinct and different to anything I had experienced before but now thinking probably not.

Sorry for the summary but the key point through all of this series of experiences is that its always had some tension, tingling energy happening at the top of my head. Even now, I can feel the tension building there again and will address it with the approach Kenneth taught me.

So Jane its really good to hear your experience of this as it might provide some pointers as to what I have been experiencing. I am not someone who is 'prone' to 'supernatural' and freaky experiences so this is definitely not usual for me. At this point, it feels like if the top of my head were to 'blow off' as you experienced, it would be the best thing, a relief. There definitely feels as if something is not finished yet with that area - energy flowing up and not being able to flow further/frustrated just inside my skull at the top and back of my head. In some of my meditation sessions I was actually pushing my mind to see if I could break through whatever barrier was there but it just led to more tension or no result.

Thanks for looking in on my log. I hope I have something useful to offer you too as I gain more experience - at this stage I am pretty ignorant